My DIL is hurt and upset

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a relationship with your son and doing things for him, but by repeatedly NOT including her in some things, you are saying she's nonexistent. So, buying her a t-shirt or cap or adding a comment to her in a card are small things to do to include her. Think about it. They are an item. How would you feel if you were unacknowledged by your mother-in-law? This is a committed relationship, by the sounds of things, so I really do think you should reevaluate how you see them. They are a married couple. You wouldn't just serve HIM dinner if they came over, would you? Of course not. I can see how she would feel left out. Can't you?

I definitely see what you're saying if I am always leaving her out. The next time I pick up a T-shirt for my son I'll get my DIL something as well.

I guess my question would now be an I required to always do something for my DIL each time I do something for my son?

When is it ok to do something a little special for just my son?

Should all checks I give my son here on our also be addressed to my DIL as well?

Obviously I'm not referring to when it's my son's birthday

No. I don't think you're required to do something for your DIL every time you do something for your son. Definitely not.

But instead of buying him a t-shirt, why not buy a couple-y gift? Something for the two of them or their home? A gift certificate to a restaurant or tickets to a show.

Given that your son mentioned this, however, maybe have a chat with him or them about why this was brought up. Maybe she feels left out, or maybe HE feels she's left out.

The reason I was asking if I am required to do something for my DIL Everytime I do something for my son was because my son said that my DIL feels she should be included as they are a unit.

I explained to my son that with checks I give him I will include my DIL's name as well and I'll make more of an effort to gift her now and then as well. But that being the one who raised him I explained that sometimes I wanna give my son a little something just for him just like sometimes his wife's parents may wanna gift her something just for her and it says nothing about how I feel about her. He said he just doesn't get why she has to be left out and treated differently that they are a unit and I need to treat them both accordingly.
Does it make a difference whether my son feels she is left out or if it's my DIL that feels left out?

I am with you. I think it's just they have a different way of looking at things. Gifts are just that - gifts. The receiver doesn't get to tell you how to give. Maybe just stop giving him gifts except for b'days and Christmas. Buy all the stuff for him that you want and give them to him on those occasions.

I think their position is a bit immature. There's no reason she has to get something every time you want to give him something. He's your son; she's not. But if they find it hurtful, I've given you a solution.

Glad you are with me. Yes she is my DIL but I didn't birth her and raise her. But I think when I buy my son souvenirs it's going to be a couple gift. And when I give checks I'll give it to both of them.

I'm glad you see my POV. I thought I was losing my mind because when my friends I ran this past IRL said I was treating my son as a child by giving him souvenirs and money throughout the year while not acknowledging his wife. That they would treat their DIL equal to their son.

I started thinking I'm some bad MIL. I could see if I was buying for nieces and nephews and every family member but DIL but that isn't the case.

Sigh guess.its a huge crime to dare to maintain a personal relationship with my own child if I don't include DIl every single time. Guess I will head gifts as couple gifts or like you said save it for bday/xmas

My son has been married to a lovely woman for 8 years. When they first got together, whenever we planned to get together, it'd always be with the two of them. One day I suggested he and I meet for lunch during the week. He said, "Why don't you want to meet with Lea, too?" He had the same reaction as your son and DIL. I replied that it had nothing to do with not wanting to meet with her, but he was able to get away during the day while she wasn't and I didn't want to wait until some weekend that they were both free. He got it and since then, he and I meet up all the time because he has a job where he can and we see the two of them on weekends. Sometimes I invite my husband, and sometimes I don't. Nobody has hurt feelings about it.

The gift issue doesn't come up because years ago he and I agreed not to buy each other stuff. I also don't celebrate Mother's Day. I don't need more things. I'd rather spend time with them.

Did it bother you that it was always the 2 of them? Just curious do u ever hangout with your DIL alone? Glad I'm not the only one who experienced something similar. Just curious what your dynamics are with your DIL? Are you guys close? Or are you not s big fan of her?

Glad your son understood

I adore her and we get along really well. She has never called me to have coffee or lunch - she just isn't like that. I find that a bit strange as I loved both my MILs and we hung out a lot.

She's a teacher so when she's off in the summer, she hikes in the mountains all the time and she does photography as a side hustle so she's at a lot of weddings, b'day parties, celebrations, etc. We have different hobbies. Recently, though, she wanted to learn how to do needle felt painting, which I do, so she came over and did one.

No, it didn't bother me that they were tied at the hip - I just wanted to see more of them and her job was limiting that. They have different hobbies, too, but spend a lot of time with friends. In the winter, they spend a lot of time in the mountains, skiing, etc.

I really like my DIL a lot too. Since they live so far away we don't hangout one on one. But we do text her and there and she is super good to my son and clearly loves him more than anything which is all I can ask for. It's funny because my DIL is also a teacher. A preschool teacher so she does work summers as well since the preschool turns into a summer camp in the summer. I just thought my DIL was comfortable enough with me after being with my son for so long to come to me if I was hurting her feelings. I may reach out to her via phone call individually and just touch base and remind her that I do care very much for her.

Yeah, and you know, you could also buy something just for her once in a while

I agree that's a good idea as well.