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Tue 29 Aug, 2023 07:39 am
With my boyfriend almost 2 years and while he was ready to move in with me after 8 months I wasn't and still am not ready. I started to break up with him a few months ago telling him I can't take the pressure so he backed off. That was until the other day.
I had to fly out of state for a family medical emergency for several days involving my adult child. He seemed concerned for my well being and that of the ill family member but before I knew it while I was away dealing with this issue, he started visiting new home developments and sending me multiple emails asking me to look at it while I was still with my ill child...and he said that we should visit some of the sites next weekend.
Mind you we discussed moving, if at all, next Spring and it's not even September yet. I do care for him and we have lots in common and I know he cares for me but I don't think I can manage his pushiness. I'm a lot older and know there are few men that don't have some issues and I don't like being alone, but I just don't know if I can put up with this much longer.
He then emailed me last night asking about making arrangements for the holidays we celebrate in September and as I was texting back, he called.
He finally asked about the places I saw to rent for the 3 months early next year and did ask how I was doing to which I replied, "I'm exhausted". He then went on and on about seeing the new homes this weekend and confirming plans for the holidays next month and kept on asking "is that ok" over and over. I told him I couldn't think straight from exhaustion and asked that I get a good night's sleep before thinking about the plans and arrangements he suggested for this weekend and beyond.
I also reminded him that my son will be away for several days starting Thursday so I can't leave the cat alone for too long if I'm visiting my bf this weekend so i said I should bring the cat b/c he "doesn't want to be on the clock with me this weekend".
He is exhausting sometimes...when he has something on his mind to get done I feel like he overdoes it and puts a lot of pressure on me.
What factors should I consider before deciding whether to continue this relationship?
There is a saying that love isn't disrespectful. If your partner is doing anything that is making you uncomfortable then it is important that you listen to your instincts, set up clear boundaries and let them know that you will not tolerate disrespectful behavior of any kind. No one likes being alone but sometimes being alone is better than tolerating behavior that is compromising your well-being. The site for the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides a list of red flags to look for in a potentially abusive partner. Visit
https://www.thehotline.org/ or call 800-799-7233 if you have any questions or concerns, an advocate is available 24/7 to help assist you in identifying abusive traits in a partner and pointing you in the right direction.
thank you! I appreciate your help.
@Dizziness789,
Yep, it's a red flag. This guy doesn't listen to you.
@Dizziness789,
Quote:Mind you we discussed moving, if at all, next Spring and it's not even September yet.
1. Did you remind him of this
each time he brought up the subject?
2. If you didn't, maybe you should have reminded him.
3. Maybe, this would have stopped him from continuing to pressure you.
@Dizziness789,
Why don't you tell him that you have no inclination of moving in together
and leave it at that. You still can have a relationship with him but you stay in your place and he does in his. If he is not willing to accept this arrangement then you're not meant for each other. Move on!
@Dizziness789,
Dizziness789 wrote:
With my boyfriend almost 2 years and while he was ready to move in with me after 8 months I wasn't and still am not ready. I started to break up with him a few months ago telling him I can't take the pressure so he backed off. That was until the other day.
This says it all. He’s not listening. That makes it a one-way-relationship. That’s exhausting. He didn’t respond in any permanent way to changing his behavior when you threatened a breakup. No wonder you’re feeling exhausted.
If a man wants to co-habit without being married to you and is pressuring you to make a decision within a certain deadline without making the proper preparations and without having a calm respectful and honest discussion with you that respects both sides then that tends to be a red flag in my experience.
How you want to proceed from here is really up to you but you might want to consider whether this is someone you really want to live with. Purchasing a home is usually a huge decision that takes a great deal of time and planning. There are many things to consider such as home security, whether the climate of the location agrees with you both, the type of neighborhood it is, whether it is a proper place to raise children if you 2 have decide to have any, whether the place is affordable and if you both have secured lucrative enough jobs and etc.
I know being alone can suck sometimes but you don't want to set yourself up for this heavy of an investment that you might later regret do you? I know love can be very blinding but a head over heart decision might be better for you in the long run: imagine living with someone who pressures and bosses you around constantly, threatening to leave you if you don't make important life-changing decisions when they want, not when you both want. If he isn't respecting your boundaries or is hanging threats over your head then this doesn't sound like someone you want to make dedicated investments in anyway.
@Dizziness789,
If you are worried he will leave you if you don't submit to all his demands then that in itself is a red flag.
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