Need some help

I am having a very hard time getting over something that happened in the past. This is going to be a long post as I am going to tell the whole story. I met this girl at a bar and we texted for a week. That weekend was my birthday so I invited her out to the same place we met because that’s where my friends and I were going. We have a great night and the following week I ask her out. The day before our date she cancels due to personal issues with her friend so we reschedule a few days later. The day of however she cancels for the same reason but reassures me she is still interested. So we plan to go to an arcade on Tuesday.

During the date we plan to hangout the next day. She comes over to my place and we talk for hours and eventually finish the night by watching a movie in my room. A day later we plan to go out with our friends to the same bar we met on Saturday. The next day we continue to text and plan a study session for Tuesday.

On Monday I get called off work so I ask if she is doing anything, she has a nap and a few hours later tells me she isn’t feeling well but that she will see me tomorrow for sure. Tuesday morning she texts saying she still doesn’t feel well and enthusiastically asks to hangout Friday. We keep texting throughout the week until Thursday night she cancels saying she still isn’t feeling well and has to be at school all day and that she will be drained after the long day. The next day after I finish my shift I call her to see how she is feeling and talk about her day at school, I also ask her if she wants to go out to the bar on Saturday with our friends again. Saturday around lunch I call her so we can plan the night a little more but no answer. I get a text a few hours later saying that she’s sorry she missed my call because she was sleeping. No problem so I ask if I can call her now.

Around 7 I get a text apologizing that she fell asleep again and that she won’t be going out tonight. I tell her that me and my friends didn’t actually go out and that I would love it if she came over instead. I don’t hear from her for a bit and I am already a little irritated so I text, or tell me you’re not interested because I am not doing this anymore. Obviously she didn’t appreciate that and I start apologizing because I realize what I did was unacceptable. She said she does see where I am coming from and that she isn’t avoiding me (I tell her I agree and apologize again) but that with everything going on in her life her availability is questionable. She says we are all good and that she accepts my apology. We continue to text for a week until she ends it. She says she’s been dealing with a lot in her life lately and is feeling very depressed, she also apologizes for all the cancels and says it isn’t fair to me and wishes we could have met at a different time. About a month of no contact later I wake up to a few texts saying how she felt she should have texted me many times before but didn’t etc. I am very excited, we catch up a bit through text and we plan a coffee date. Unfortunately that doesn’t happen, she disappears for half a week until I text her (stupid I know) that I feel there was a reason for her reaching out and she does say she definitely thinks about me sometimes but that she is still depressed like she was when we stopped talking.

We continued to text for a bit and I continued to try to see her but she ghosted me shortly after. I know that people with depression do tend to ghost so that is also adding to my confusion. To add the main reason I am blaming myself is because the week with the cancellations she was enthusiastic when I was asking to hangout and had said how she wants to spend the night at my place, also she had said that she really liked me. I know it’s over but I can’t seem to forgive myself or get over it, nothing has ever bothered me this much. But again I am also very conflicted because she cancelled 6 times within a short period, I know the reasons were very valid but it seems like a lot especially when she was still going to school sick. Anyway I am very new to dating so I just wanted to see what everyone else’s opinion was on my situation and if I did the wrong thing and if I should still be blaming myself. I constantly overthink and definitively have attachment issues (which I am working on) so it’s making it extra hard to get over it since I believe it was my fault.


some advice, opinions or others experience similar to mine would be greatly appreciated. I am just trying to get to my old self as this as taken a huge toll on my mental health and my excitement to date and get into a relationship.