Tue 30 May, 2023 09:18 am
I am on a wildly confusing journey with my sexuality. I identify as, and am a straight man. I am very masculine in personality and physical appearance. I have been in love with women and one of my greatest desires in life always has been to have proper female sexual relations and children. I love real cute feminine girls. I love getting their attention and affection, and I would love to be a father. I never could feel that type of affection or desire that physical contact with a man. What has stopped me pursuing female relations has been sexual dysfunction and my body's incapacity to become hard during intercourse when I go to bed, or to become properly aroused at the sight of tits and clits- I do desire it, but it is more that I feel something is psychologically holding me back. It has been hugely frustrating for me when I meet girls that I like, and that like me, that I could not seal the deal. I did not, and still don't feel it is right to dump all this **** on a good girl and expect her support towards resolution. But I could not even masturbate at all until I was 23 and could only become aroused by strange fetishes like braces on teeth and trainers. There are a number of potential root causes of this as I had a crazy mother who over interfered in my life, which I intend to work on with a sexologist and tantra practitioner. However, recently I have been talking to men on free cam sites and notice myself becoming aroused and jerking off in front of them. I don't feel attracted to them per se and never want to see more of them when they ask. I think it is just a step on my healing journey of the body trying to respond to some stimulus, and just an anonymous avenue that I can get more comfortable with what has been a totally dysfunctional body up to now and receive empowering compliments, without judgement or the anxiety of whether or not I will be able to perform with women given all that has been. I had a lot of social isolation growing up and wonder if having such a strong desire to have a woman and kids inhibited my ability to relax and just to let it happen? Even if I was gay or bi, I would still be physically able to have sex with women like all the gays who have children- I can't. In spite of the strange reactions, my instinct still knows that I am straight and will come round yet, and that this is all just a simple functional issue trying to fix itself and plateauing at this point. But in time, I believe that it will heal completely. But some of the manifestations have been mental turmoil in context. My goal is simply to sort myself out and enjoy good sexual relations with females.
Would be good to hear a few thoughts on this,
Seek the advice of a professional. Honestly, they are trained to deal with these sorts of conditions, whether psychological or physiological in nature.
Doing that. Root is a bit of both I think.
You're one of the few that write about these things that has any feeling of credibility. These conditions are beyond our ken. You need healing, as hightor says, on different levels, and the expertise to get you through is not with any of us here. And we are not only unable but are not legally allowed to dispense this level of advice.
If you aren't seeking care, please do. There are many sources for help even in your community. A community health center or senior center, the local physicians group, local medical and mental health outreach centers. Talk deeply about this with your physician. There is no reason for you to go through more of this than you have already.
I know your pain is real and you deserve to be helped. Stay in touch here. Most of us here, while not professionals are caring, sensitive individuals. Good luck on this journey.