How do you know your partner is just too cheap and/or selfish to tolerate?

By what you wrote here, you're dating and not married. You sound like the utter selfish one here.

He's been telling you who he is and you should listen. Whether it's spending money, time or effort, or doing things for you - people are either generous or not.

I agree with you about what's the point of saving all your life and now not spending it. He won't change and you can't help him change.

I think you should dump him. No one wants a cheapskate, especially at your age

It depends what you want out of this relationship. Are you looking for someone to spend and lavish you with gifts? Are you looking for a more permanent relationship? Or are you looking for a romantic emotional partner?

Reading through what you wrote, I do not see him as being a cheapskate or selfish. It seems he values using money for different things than you do. For example buying a card from the dollar store...some think it is cheap; others think it makes more sense. Cards are pretty expensive for something you spend $5 or $6 or more that is read and after a few days thrown away. It makes logical sense not to spend your money on a card that is a short lived gift. You buy things at the dollar store so for those items you probably feel the same way for those items, they are not worth spending more money on.

Another thing I found odd is you expected a gift for Mother's Day. I find that odd as you are not his mother and I am assuming that he is not the father of your children so it makes no sense he would give you gift for that; at least that is what I would think, maybe he feels the same way.

Some of your other comments, like he generally pays for dinner, but nothing else. Why would he pay for something else? You are both independent adults, why would one pay over the other? If your expectations are different you might need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Maybe you are not compatible because he is a saver and you are a spender. It does not make one wrong or right just how they live. And maybe that is why he has money and you do not because he has saved; maybe he is afraid a spender will use him and his money.

Also confusing is what you mean by "direct benefit"

First thing that popped into my head ... what kind of person juggles the price of a holiday card into a relationship. She needs to drop him for his own good and he can count himself lucky as hell.

At your age, all partners are "projects". Everyone comes with baggage and everyone needs someone helping to unpack. If you're not willing to do so and think you're only with carry-on, then by all means, end the relationship.

However, if you're looking at your own situation and realize that you have more than a carry-on to work through with a partner, then you should be able to help him too. He's at least willing to work with you on his cheapskate ways and there es nothing wrong with splitting things 50/50. If you're looking for a sugar daddy, that train has passed, you're equally responsible for your financial welfare.

Good luck!

If you are concerned that your partner is too cheap and selfish, talking to them about it is important. Explain how their behavior makes you feel and see if they will change. If they are unwilling to change, you may need to decide whether or not you can tolerate their behavior in the long run.

It is also important to remember that there is a difference between being cheap and being frugal. Frugal people are careful with their money, but they are not stingy. They are willing to spend money on things that are important to them, and they are not afraid to splurge on occasion. So if your partner is frugal but does not make you feel bad about it, you may not have anything to worry about.

Ultimately, whether or not to tolerate your partner's cheapness and selfishness is up to you. If their behavior is making you unhappy, then you may need to make a change. However, if you can talk to them about it and they are willing to make an effort to change, then you may be able to work through this issue together.

sort of a new issue:

Over the last few weeks I’ve been very unhappy and I decided to break up with him yesterday. When I arrived at his place, I told him I did not want to continue the relationship because I think we are incompatible in the long run. I explained to him that I thought he had difficulties with spending money and that made me very uncomfortable.

As an example, I was coming to him for just a three day weekend and there is only one parking space in the buildings garage that he rents. Other than that, you have to go and pay for parking until at least during the day Saturday. When I visited him a few weekends ago , even though I had my baggage, he told me to go park a few blocks away in an open lot so I did that but I must say I was a little perturbed. I had to pay for the parking for the whole day and leave my nice car in an open lot and no security all night And then go back the next day take my car and take it back to a garage where they don’t charge on the weekends. I didn’t make a fuss.

However, I had decided that since I was going to visit him this weekend if he didn’t offer me his spot just for the 2 days so I can at least get my baggage out , I figured I had one big problem. I cannot be with somebody who is so self-centered and inconsiderate. The only thing he offered today was that if I stopped in front of the apartment building and texted him, he would come down and pick up my bag and then I would have to go to find parking. I know this sounds trivial but to me it was the combination of somebody who sometimes acts so selfishly I am just not accustomed to it. He can be generous if we go out for meals he always pays but yet other times especially if we go grocery shopping , I pay I’ve many occasions and I don’t have any particular issue with that but I definitely have an issue with his behavior a few weeks ago and again today. There seems to definitely be a pattern where he becomes completely oblivious to what the right thing is to do By the way, it’s a 1 Hour drive to his place so I drove for an hour and then first had to find parking.


Today, I decided not to bring a suitcase, and just to go to break up with him. He is pleading and begging with me not to break up , I appreciate that but what I don’t appreciate is that he is bringing up old news about times that he felt slighted or hurt from last year things that he’s already discussed with me as his defense to his actions. He does admit, he made a mistake in terms of not accommodating me to park and bring my baggage up , but said there are many things that he was hurt by but yet he didn’t break up with me. I can understand this but reluctant to give him a second chance because I don’t think he’s really going to change that. I don’t think most people can make that change, especially later in life. He tends to be frugal, and he also tends to be selfish and not even aware of what my needs are. He also has a habit of making plans for us and I’ve told him in the past please don’t do this without talking to me first but he did it again this past week went ahead and made dinner plans with another couple without even saying anything to me other than telling me by text.

now he’s offering to come to me with flowers and he says do anything and everything he has to keep our relationship. He also sent to me a Venmo with some of the money I spent on the rent including the garage space he never offered me during my last 2 visits (2 months worth).

I don’t want additional heartache for either of us. I really don’t know what to do , I feel on the one hand I should give him a second chance, but I have been through something similar in prior relationships and it only gets worse. The final thing is there is a trip we had planned in July overseas with another couple friend of his, and he’s begging me to go on that trip, which he has decided to pay for totally on his own even though the expectation was I’d pay half as I usually do. What do I do about that?

Although I realize it's natural to defend yourself, I'm troubled by him bringing up old news from the past where he was offended to address my hurt and anger from the last few days. Is that an excuse?

Break up with him. Go with your gut.

My husband and I have an agreement that once an issue has been discussed, it's in the garbage bin, and we can't bring anything up that's over 6 months old.

Just because a guy has money does not mean he should have the intention of burning it on your wants and needs. Such a person would have something to offer him that most women would be unable to offer him and I do not mean "Diamonds are Forever".

Keep in mind even if somebody is spending money on you does not mean what they spend on you is actually a lot of money at all. Soo......

Nowadays guys do not care because they have goals that is not just "oh look job makes $400,000 let me hit that. If your unwilling to work with them on their goals and not whine and be like "You do not take me anywhere or buy me anything" when in reality your guy-friend is not a marriage and your not the mother of his kids, and for all intensive purpose your just one person he is associating with.

It is a "Prince and the Pauper-world" nowadays. Guys are not the Pu$$yhounds of yester-glory-days. We all know what the best is and no woman wants to give there best. Be like "Oh look my boyfriend works as ____ and we are living together" and your B-friend could be like "GTFO you do not legally live here" one day.

The love is no longer meaningful.