Need support from my A2K fam- Death/loss of child

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Hi Everyone,

I know I don't pop up often... and when I do it's because I need a safe place to write, to talk... just as I did when I came here as a teenager. I've always used this forum for guidance, support, to not feel alone sometimes. You've all had more impact on my life than you would ever know.... for almost 20 years now (crazy that it's been 19 years).

So, I come to you once more... because I don't have any other place I feel like I can express myself right now. In 2021/early 2022 I was in one of my darkest times. It's been a year of healing and rebirth... but now times have become dark again, quite unexpectedly.

I've been dating an amazing man for almost a year now. He found me at my worst and stayed by my side... and now it's my turn to do the same for him. On Tuesday his 17 year old daughter took her own life. She lives in another country and he is not able to be there. He is currently an empty shell of who he once was... and this is a grief that I cannot understand. This is a loss that I cannot imagine. This is something I cannot make better or change. He will forever be different and I know that.

I've spent all of my time and energy being by his side... just listening. No words of advice, no cliche expressions... just listening. I am grateful that he is talking to me and opening up. I am grateful that I can get him to eat, to shower and that he is getting out of bed. That in itself must be beyond hard for him and shows much strength. I understand the stages of grief, the waves it comes in... but this is traumatic grief... this is different... and while the stages are still the same... I just can't relate... and I am an expert on grief.

He watches videos over and over again, stares at photos, watches her favorite shows. We all grieve differently and I told him that nobody should ever tell him how to grieve. My way of grieving is different and it is so very hard to watch when I just wish I could take away his pain... but it is his pain... it is his process... and trying to take away that pain would only prolong his process... not that it will every truly end... I know it will be there under the surface.

I have read every article I can, I have read survivorship stories from parents that have gone through the same loss. I have talked to family, I have my therapist who I talk to next week. I have encouraged him to reach out to his old therapist, to reach out to support groups.

He just moved in a few days before this terrible loss. I am grateful that he is here and not alone. My children are having a hard time but he hasn't pushed them away. They hug him and he hugs them back. He talks to them, he has them watch movies that she loved, they make hot chocolate together... and I cannot remotely imagine how hard that could be.

I am exhausted from taking care of my girls, being there for him and trying to take care of myself. I feel selfish for feeling exhausted. I cry, a lot. Sometimes I cry with him, sometimes I cry in the shower. I feel lost, helpless and overwhelmed... but I don't want him to know that... I feel selfish for those feelings. I only met her through videos. She was a sweet girl that was suffering from mental health already. He's feeling so much guilt, he feels numb, sometimes he says he feels nothing at all.

I just don't have an outlet right now. I don't want him to see me weak, I want to be his strength. We saw her body and it was hard, really hard. I thought about my girls and it was just so so hard. I am so worried I am going to say the wrong this or that I will never get him back to any resemblance of who he once was. I know that grief changes over time but I know that it also makes us different... and I know that he is going to be a different person.

I make sure he talks about her. That we say her name. That we acknowledge her. I brought out a candle and we have been lighting it for her.

I am just scared I think. I am exhausted. I feel so utterly helpless and I have nobody to express that too... because it feels wrong to feel anything when he's going through so much pain.

I don't know. I just don't know how to be. I don't know how to move forward in my everyday tasks without feeling like I shouldn't... but I know that I need to. I know that life has to continue on... and I know that he knows that too, deep down. I don't know how long I can financially support us, which I am trying not to worry about... I am taking it one day at a time...

That's it. I just needed to write it out. If anyone has any advice, I could really use it. I just want to make sure I am doing the right things and supporting him in the right ways.

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Hi crazy,
so good to hear from you, despite the sad circumstances. What a wonderful woman you've become, so insightful with compassion and dedication. Being a mother too, I cannot even fathom what your partner is going through, especially suicide leaves so many unanswered questions and it's only natural that the loved ones left behind will torment themselves if everything was done right, could they have done more and so forth. It is an emotional rollercoaster no parent should have to go through and I am so sorry for his and your loss.

Everyday life can be a comfort, though and I think that you and your children should carry on with your daily routine and although you're sensitive to his emotions, it doesn't help anyone to put up a daily shrine for his daughter. He himself can take all the time he needs, grief is very individual, yet supporting him doesn't necessarily mean that you need to put your own life on hold, especially when your children will feel the impact as well. I forgot how old your kids are, but it's not their grief. They sympathize with your partner as he's incorporated into your life now, they understand his grief, but again it is not theirs and life needs to go on for their sake and the sooner you start doing your normal routine with them, as a new family, the better.

Understanding and sympathy is still there, but it cannot drain your entire family. We all have lost someone near and dear to us, it is debilitating, but when kids are involved one has to put grief aside for them, try to give them a normal and happy daily routine. They shouldn't feel guilty if they
want to see a comedy instead of a movie your partner's daughter liked.

I know it's hard for you, you love him and want to help him, but you also have kids who shouldn't be confronted with your partners grief to this extend, especially since he only came into your life one year ago. Your kids have gone through enough too and you are their mom and need to provide a balance.
I know you'll find it, I am so impressed of your positive progress.

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@Crazielady420,

I can only give you a virtual <<hug>>. I wish I could give you one in person.

Keep talking to others - do you have a friend you can call and just vent a little unjudgmental? You also need an outlet.

Can you take off for an afternoon and just get a manicure and pedicure? Maybe while your kids are in school? Just some little pampering for yourself doesn't have to be big.

So sorry for you all you.

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@CalamityJane,

Thank you. I appreciate your words.

Sorry, I should clarify... he's watching all the shows and videos while they are at school, with their dad or asleep. I work at home so I see it all day and at night once they go to bed. We have another room I can retreat to but I am nervous that it's too soon as it hasn't been 72 hours yet.

My children and I have had ongoing talks each day. I think my oldest (she is almost 15) feels empathetic... and she is reaching out to make him feel loved. She is processing her feeling on how mental illness is and I think it's made her more aware of how parents really love their children. She hugs me more now. She wants to cuddle up with me again. She spends more time with me.

My youngest (she will be 13 this year) is quite different. She will continue on with her normal activities. She talks to her friends, plays her games, gives him hugs and I know that she feels his pain but she tries to make him smile... which has happened, despite it all... but for her life continues as normal mostly.

They are both going to school. We went to the dentist like normal. We went to the chiropractor like normal. We watched a tv show that they wanted to watch last night and it was his idea. We've talked about how things will go back to normal and that he may be different but life itself goes forward.

My oldest asked me today is she could volunteer for a middle school dance (they need to do community service for high school). They tell me stories, show me funny videos and they laugh... I think that it's just something that none of us were ready for.

They will be with their father this weekend, which I am thankful for. I told my bf that I will be doing household tasks, projects and I explained to him my process of handling situations, emotions and loss. I am hoping that it could help him a little. I drove us to McDonalds last night and he ate.

In regards to me getting out of the house, I am typically a home body in the winter... I hate the cold. I think I just feel guilty.

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@RPhalange,

Thank you. I will gratefully return your virtual hug.

I have some friends that I've talked to here and there... but the feedback isn't always great. I know they mean well but it's hard to open up fully.

I think I answered the getting out question in my last post instead of this one, I had just read both right in a row. I will eventually get out, go for a drive. It's been raining for days now and cold.

Thank you for your kind words.

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Need support from my A2K fam- Death/loss of child

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