Am I just cold hearted?

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I know people handle grief differently but let me ask this.

A little while ago I walked into the kitchen to fix my coffee and my wife was working at her desk at the kitchen table. She slowly turns in her chair like she's a judge on The Voice and looks at me. She had this look on her face like she just lost her favorite stuffed animal. I take my ear bud out and saw "what." She tells me that every time she looks at Facebook all she sees is bad news. Ok, my thought on that is simply stop looking at Facebook. You're supposed to be working not scrolling through your timeline. She tells me that one of her best friends that she hasn't seen in YEARS posted that her daughter passed away. Next thing I know my wife is wiping away tears. I asked her when the last time she saw her friend and she said it had been years. I think she knew where I was going with my question then she said, "what if a girl I grew up with, went to church with, was in her wedding, partied with, had a relationship with her kids posted that one of her kids had passed away, how would I feel? I told her that was not the best example because I saw this person on the regular and spoke to regularly, not just someone who I grew up in the neighborhood with as a child but hadn't seen in years. And even if my friend posted that one of her kids passed away I probably still wouldn't sit here and cry. Yes, it would be sad and I'd reach out to my friend to offer my condolences but I still probably wouldn't cry or even get misty. Yeah, probably the difference between a guy and a girl but I'm just having a hard time understanding why she reacted this way. Look at it this way. You went to grade school or even high school with someone but hadn't seen them in years. You reconnect on Facebook but still hadn't spoken in years. You find out one of their kids passed away, what would be your reaction?

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@4thtwin,

"what if a girl I grew up with, went to church with, was in her wedding, partied with, had a relationship with her kids posted that one of her kids had passed away ..."

I think if I'd experienced all that with someone (and their kids), I'd be a little emotional, too. One doesn't lose one's feelings for someone just because they're not in contact. And... it wasn't her friend who'd passed, but her daughter, so she's likely feeling for her friend as well as the daughter. Double emotion. And I don't think it has a thing to do with gender - it's the difference between you and your wife.

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@Mame,

Mame, I understand what you're saying and yes, there is a big difference between someone I knew 20+ years ago and probably hadn't seen or spoken to in about the same time compared to someone I went to / go to church with, was in their wedding, talked to on the regular, hung out with, still ran into, etc.

Let me put a spin on it. The term "best friends." what do you classify as a best friend? You knew them in school or someone you grew up with in the neighborhood, but you haven't seen or spoken to in multiple years. Would you still call them a best friend or just a friend? My wife, as I've mentioned before, has zero friends. No one she calls on the regular, hangs out with, goes to girls night out or take girl trips with. Would you call someone you are linked with on Facebook but haven't seen or spoke with in some 20 years a best friend? There are people I grew up with I consider a close friend but not a best friend.

How would you classify someone as a best friend?

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@4thtwin,

None of that matters. All that does matter is how she feels. You see things differently. Why question it? Why judge it? Blue is my favourite colour; yours may be yellow. It doesn't matter why.

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@4thtwin,

What you are seeing is a difference in someone that has greater empathy. It is not so much death or grief, but some people simply "feel" deeper. They have more empathy and sympathy - they are "made" that way.

Some people would feel like your wife did even if the person was a complete stranger and heard the story - they in a sense, put themselves in that stranger's position and feel it from their perspective.

Think of it this way --- two people watch a movie --- one cries at the end and one does not. This person that cries at a movie probably cries at weddings, even halmark card commercials. This other person does not cry at any of these things. I have a friend - woman - that rarely seems to cry about anything. She is just not built that way.

People are built differently - you probably are just a much less empathic person than your wife and perhaps your wife is very empathic. Nothing wrong with it unless you have zero empathy and are a psychopath. Sometimes it is better to have have less empathy. Appreciate the differences and respect them and you both will do fine.

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@4thtwin,

Someone could also very possibly just be distraught at the 'thought' of it. It could trigger a sadness even if happened to someone they didn't know. If they'd read about a tragedy and people they didn't know had died. I know that sort of thing saddens me.

And with respect to your wife's situation, the identical situation happened to me in 2019 and I was very upset, both at the loss of my friend's son, but the devastation it wreaked in the family. I hadn't seen either of them in 10 years or so, but my feelings for them hadn't lessened and neither did the grief.

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@4thtwin,

Yes, I am a lot like that myself. I don't get down over people who are not "close in". I don't think of myself as "cold hearted". More like emotionally practical.

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@Medusax,

"Emotionally practical", I like that. I'm just not that invested in Facebook like my wife is. She has her phone open all day long looking at people's timelines and updates. She'll post something on Facebook then get mad when I don't comment about it. She thinks that when I open my FB her timeline or update is the first thing I see. I you post an update 3 hours ago I assure you it's not first on my timeline. And I'm not scrolling back 3 hours on FB just to see that my wife posted an update on the weather. Plus, I don't have my FB notifications active on my phone. I do not want my phone dinging all day because someone posted an update. My wife will even drive with her phone in her lap so she can keep up with people's statuses. I told her she's going to cause a serious wreck one of these days. And God forbid a celebrity passes away her day is ruined. It could be someone who hasn't acted in 30 years and was pushing 90. If they day she's upset.

But as far as the current situation if this was a friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in years I probably would be sad that their child passed away but it probably wouldn't bring me to tears. And even still it may not even prompt me to reach out to the person. Again, if it's been years chances are they probably aren't thinking about me either.

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@4thtwin,

(But as far as the current situation if this was a friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in years I probably would be sad that their child passed away but it probably wouldn't bring me to tears. And even still it may not even prompt me to reach out to the person. Again, if it's been years chances are they probably aren't thinking about me either.)

Exactly.

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