My 14 year old daughter is terrified of nuclear war

I don't have an answer for you. I do think we should be somewhat concerned, but not so much it interferes with our daily. You might mention that fear of massive retaliation will restrain foreign entities from their use of nukes. That's what I tell myself.

Unfortunately, for some of us of a certain age, this is how we grew up. I remember nuclear bomb drills in elementary school and discussions about nuclear weapons were common playground fodder.

I don't know your daughter, but what might work here is more research.
- People of all countries recognize the dangers of nuclear weapons and since the original use of them in 1945, no country has used a nuclear weapon in anger. Using a nuclear weapon in anything other than defense would instantly make a country a pariah state everywhere in the world. Even countries like North Korea have restrained themselves with respect to nuclear weapons.
- Putin is not talking about using nuclear weapons offensively. He has created a fiction that parts of Ukraine are part of Russia as a pretext to using a tactical nuke, but even there he is not talking about using nuclear weapons outside of the Russian border and because the world is not recognizing his annexation, he understands he puts the support he has received from China, India and the global south in significant jeopardy should he use a tactical nuke. This is a significant deterrent.
- There is no way to win by dropping nuclear weapons. What prevents Russia from dropping a nuclear weapon on the US is that doing so would also result in the destruction of Russia. That is what the policy of Mutually Assured Destruction means.

These are pretty scary things to discuss, and you are to be commended to trying to rise to the challenge. Good luck.

Maybe you should have your daughter take a break from news, so to speak. She should be involved in some other activities other than obsessing about the dangers of nuclear war.

It's easy to have an overconsumption of news in the media of television and online sources. An overconsumption of news can affect your attitude towards the world negatively, such as believing that crime is so rampant that it's unsafe to be in public without being armed.

A 14-year-old girl should not be concerned with nuclear annihilation, so you have to temper her obsession by limiting her access to these negative sources. Help her get interested in a positive activity instead.

I had terrible nightmares during the 80s on this.

As for the OP? You should help her like what Engineer said. Research on where you live, the likelihood your area will be a target, and ... yes. Therapy/counseling should be taken seriously. Don't discount this current fear is the sole mental health issue she might be dealing with. This could be something that's exasperating a bigger mental health problem.

Yes. She may be suffering from depression, and the bomb thing may just be an object on which to focus.

Shades of the Cuban missile crisis.

The thing to keep reminding her is threats of nuclear annihilation, is threats. No one wins in nuclear war - both sides recognize that. Mutual Assured Destruction and the SALT Talks (which Bush and Trump unilaterally walked a way from) were in response to it. Rattling sabers is what is going on now. How will the richest man in the world - Putin - going to spend all his dollars if he vapes the US? How does world trade go once the US vapes Russia? People with power and money do not want nuclear war.

Capitalism will save us from nukes.

Fine. But can you rationalize away feelings? The girl has underlying problems, and the nuclear threat is simply the way they're manifested. If it wasn't nuclear bombs, it would be something else.

I'm not saying she's exhibiting some kind of abnormal behavior. Why wouldn't any 14-year-old be terrified? She's sensitive, and that's a pretty normal thing. She just needs an avenue to direct those feelings in a positive way other than responding to current events.

*sorry for so many words* Hi, being a Ukrainian, I kinda understand your daughter's thoughts. I'm terrified as well, but as an adult, I needed to figure out how to live life and deal with these kinds of thoughts. I'll tell you what helped my little sister (she's also 14) and me. Maybe it would work for your family as well. Although I still have nightmares sometimes, it's getting better (I'm 28). Soooo, what we did:
* we couldn't get away from the news, but we made a schedule and news was allowed only once a day from trusted sources and not some forums.
* we learned everything we could about the radiation in general and the nuces. We've watched kid friendly documentaries about Hiroshima y Nagasaki (my brain and level of anxiety is not ready for adult IIWW documentaries).
= Important notes=
_nuclear weapons are super heavy. USA has a good satellite system, it won't be a surprise for anyone, and I don't think that Russia would risk this maneuver.
_it can be destroyed before it reaches the earth. Some AirDefence systems are built for that and USA definitely is powerful enough to have a good air defense.
_russian nuces are tactic ones, and they are much smaller and work only on a short distance, USA is not an easy target.
Cold facts help greatly to deal with fear since fear is irrational.
* we searched for articles 'How to survive the explosion' and built some kind of a safe place in a basement. If she starts feeling anxiety, maybe she could come to that safe place a sit there for a while till the nerves calm down.
This just made us have a plan in case of anything and calmed a bit.
To be honest, I'm not entirely sure that this is a good recommendation for a child, so I also have this in mind:
You said that she wants to become a scientist, well, I have a friend in Israel and she builds machines that treat people with cancer with radiation. Maybe it would be a good thing to explore the good things that may be achieved by nuclear power. We have a lot of power plants as well, as an example. (better to skip the chernobil part, but... now the technologies are much more advanced).
Also it helps to 'get back to reality', go outside and live everyday life no matter what.
I hope it gets better for your daughter and for you as well! Take care!

Thank you all so much for the responses.

I will try to respond to as much as I can, but I appreciate all the feedback. It's a late night for me and I have a lot of work tomorrow, but I wanted to respond here.

My daughter has never shown indications of depression before the past few months. The people who know her know that she is the life of the party, always happy and cheerful. It's my other daughter who has had a history of disagreeableness. Not depression, but she's headstrong, my younger one.

My husband and I have discussed seeking a therapist for my oldest, but I don't want to force her into it and so far she hasn't appreciated the idea when we've brought it up. I always let her know that she can be open and talk to me about anything and everything. So far she has been vocal about her fears. Like I said, she even goes into detail about the mechanics of bombs, stuff that goes way over my head. But I give her my full attention. I would do anything for her.

The area that we live in has a low population density, but we are close to some military bases. I'm not sure how we could weigh both of those factors to determine how likely of a target we might be. We do have general plans as a family in case of emergencies. The problem is that in a situation with a nuclear strike there isn't much that anyone can really can do. We don't have a million dollar underground bunker so in all likelihood we wouldn't survive an attack as would be the fate for most if not all people.

My daughter, her name is Hallie, she doesn't watch the news excessively but she is very intelligent and she has uncanny situational awareness. I'm not just saying this because I'm her mom, this kid is many times smarter than her dad and I both. She knows exactly what is going on in the world. And in fairness it's hard for anyone not to notice what's going on these days.

coluber2001, you mentioned that the idea of someone being so worried about crime that they would believe that they need a firearm when out in public. The sad truth is that is becoming a reality in slow motion largely because of pro-crime policies being enforced by the party in power in the U.S. Crime, especially violent crime is worse than it's been in this country since the 1980s. People are rightly afraid because it's become so commonplace.

When the president of the United States says that the country "Is on the verge of Armageddon", that naturally makes people nervous, and no amount of restricting access for a teen as smart as mine is going assuage that legitimate worry.

Hallie knows exactly what Mutually Assured Destruction is. But she also sees that the president of our country is senile and mentally vacant. I don't know what I could possibly tell her to make her feel better about that. All indications point to the likely possibility that the Biden administration sabotaged the Nordstream, one of many recent actions that have seemed to be deliberate actions meant to push us into a hot war with Russia.

Honestly, it does make me angry that all this is happening. If the previous administration were still around we wouldn't be talking about nuclear war. It angers me because certain people were so blindly spiteful about our previous president that they allowed a man into office who is so painfully obviously mentally unfit. And because of that the economy is worse it's been since the 1970s. We're struggling as a family because of all this. We're likely facing a future where our savings will be dissolved by the worst inflation in American history.

But what angers me the most is that my children don't deserve this. They deserve a chance at a hopeful future. I want to provide that for them, but it makes me feel powerless when I see my daughter cry and I know that there's nothing that I can do. The best that I've been able to manage is to limit my own tears to times when she cannot see. I'm trying so hard to be strong for her even in the mist of my own fears. But I know that's one thing that I can do. Unfortunately it might be the only thing.

Thank you all.

I would suggest family therapy, not individual therapy.

Based on your response, part of the problem might be you are forcing your political biases on her. The way people sway others to vote for them is to make them afraid since sacred people do irrational things. You might want to make sure you aren't transferring those irrational thoughts to your daughter.

And the Ukrainian children do?

Maybe if you thought a bit more about the poor sods being butchered by Putin instead of your selfish needs you'd be able to put stuff in perspective.

Biden is a far better than his lickspittle predecessor who was in Putin's pocket.

And you've got a bloody ocean between you and Russia.

Some of us don't have that luxury, so stop whining.

Sorry about many people being a bit cruel in their responses.

This should not be a political debate but how you handle a gifted child to handle realities of the world. That being said I agree with others that you may be instilling this fear in your child or at least adding to it without meaning to.

Although your child is gifted and may be more intelligent than you and your husband she is still a child and as a result is still emotionally a child. You need to be careful at her age to instill fear (whether warranted or not) on the current political environment. I suggest your husband and yourself keep this communication completely away from her. She is very smart and as such will catch onto your vibes much more than an average child.

The one thing as far as therapy, if you approach it, you can give her the power to decide if a therapist works for her. Open it up to her and let her know she can try it and see if it works.

It is somewhat normal for kids to go through something where they have heightened fear (hers seems a bit more extreme); but even those with lesser ones often times benefit meeting with someone. I have heard of kids suddenly realizing they will die some day and then have problems sleeping; something triggers it like a pet dying, a relative dying or just viewing something on TV. I have had a child suddenly being fearful that their heart will randomly stop beating. Many kids will develop a real, but terrifying fear. Some get over it on their own, many meeting just a few times with a therapist will help.

I think her, being more intelligent opens her up even more, as it is in her nature to learn more thus exposing her to much more than an average child.

Long and short; this is not unusual, but each child is different and if anything is causing a child to lose sleep and became terrified over more than an extended period of time, she would benefit from talking to a therapist.

Thank you especially for your thoughtful response RPhalange.

First, I just want to say to izzythepush, I don't know why you decided to be so hateful, vicious and misogynistic to me. Today was an especially hard day, and that abuse just made it all the worse.

I don't want innocent Ukrainians to die. But if a nuclear war breaks out not only will the Ukrainians die, but everyone else will as well. You sound like one of the people who holds onto irrational spite for the previous president no matter what that hate causes. I don't know what part of the country that you live in, but where we live food costs and living costs are outpacing wages. We're struggling to stay afloat. Unless you're independently wealthy I can't imagine that you haven't noticed the oppressive inflation in the country. We just want a fair chance at providing a good life for our kids, and that dream is dying because of what the Biden regime is doing. Maybe you don't have to worry about safety and financial security for yourself and your family, but that doesn't mean that you need to be vicious to others who do.

I want to clarify my previous post for you RPhalange and for you engineer. First, it's not a "bias" stating that the country is experiencing the worst inflation in history. The numbers prove it, and they are a direct result of the Biden policies. My husband and I do not talk politics around our girls. That being said, if my girls ask us a question, we tell them the truth because that's the right thing to do and we're not going to fill their heads with lies. My youngest asked why Biden talks funny, stumbles, and seems confused. We told her the truth. We told her that he has a mental disability. We cannot shield our children from the outside world, they see these things for themselves, and it's not like these things aren't obvious. That being said, we don't have adult conversations in front of our girls, and we certainly don't try to scare them. Shortly after I originally posted here the president of the United States said that we were "On the edge of Armageddon." Those were his own words. These aren't "biases" when it's the president himself saying these things. When that man is saying goofy things and stumbling around acting confused. My husband and I didn't bring this up to our girls. Hallie found out what was said about "Armageddon" and came to me in hysterics because she was afraid that we were all going to die because the president said so. I purposely don't bring up these topics in front of my girls, but this is what is currently happening in the world. I don't want to die either. It scares me that the president is senile. It scares me that we worry about money and that's getting worse as time goes on because of the inflation. But I project calm and strength for my girls and only cry to myself or to my husband, and thank God for him because he is my rock.

To coluber2001, I try to assume the best of others so I am going to take your comment on face value even though it could be interpreted as a cruel dig at my family.

RPhalange, I agree with what you said and I am already aware of the reality of my daughter's emotional maturity. I understand that she's not an adult yet. I also agree that I think some therapy could help her. My husband isn't on the same page though and we are a team. I respect his judgment. Also, Hallie has said that she doesn't want to see someone. I'm outvoted currently and I will not force things on her. Hallie is my light. I love my whole family, but we have always had a very special bond. It may sound strange, but she inspires me. I don't know how I wound up with such a beautiful and special young woman as my daughter. I appreciate the advice from those who were not being hateful. There may not be much we can do at this juncture; I just hate the feeling of powerlessness at not being able to help someone who I love so much.

Your daughter is not experienced her problem in a vacuum. She's part of the family. Your defensiveness is making you look like you're a big problem her problem.

You attacked the president and praised his lickspittle predecessor.

You have shown zero compassion for the Ukrainian people, instead making this all about you and your daughter.

Yo're no different from the Nazi supporting Republicans who tried to keep America out of WW2.

Nobody in bloody Europe is whining about this like you.

As for hatefulness, you have shown no compassion for the Ukrainian people at all.

I think you're despicable, and considering you voted for Trump I doubt very much that any of your offspring are gifted.

Stop being so repulsively self indulgent.

Putin would never have invaded had Trump not spent his entire presidency licking his arse and giving him everything he wanted.

He probably thought all Americans were spineless worms like Trump and you.

Fortunately Biden has shown nim how very wrong that assessment was.

Your daughter is far more likely to be killed in school shooting by NRA scum that anything Putin might do.

What sort of day do you think Ukrainian children are having?

Home of the Brave?

You're having a laugh.

If this is what you are telling your children, then maybe you are part of the issue. You should at least consider it.

Are you sure? This isn't even the highest inflation in my lifetime, so why would you say it is the highest in history. Many economists are talking about the causes of inflation from Covid supply chain issues to international uncertainty over the war in Ukraine to labor shortages in the US creating shortages and driving up wages. Many of these things span years.

I think you missed a great opportunity there. Biden was born with a neurological condition that causes speech impediments. He has worked through it his entire life to control things like stuttering, slurring and pauses in speech. He's on the TV every day and does pretty well. You could also show them the video clip of him bonding with a 13 year old boy who is overcoming a stutter to help them build empathy for those with challenges.

But those weren't his words, were they? Why would you tell your children that when what he said was “I don’t think there's any such thing as the ability to easily [use] a tactical nuclear weapon and not end up with Armageddon”? If you want to explain those words to your children, you could say that the Russian President has threatened to use nuclear weapons and our President has told them not to do it because things could get out of control and lead to a much worse war.

It's tough talking to children sometimes as they are both incredibly smart and emotionally sensitive at the same time. Your best bet is to be grounded yourself. Your post radiates fear, fear of the economy, fear of the "other", fear for the future. Maybe those fears are rational for your circumstances, but the trick for your daughters is to be the calm in the storm.