5
   

What woman says this?

 
 
Barry2021
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 4 Aug, 2022 01:51 pm
@RPhalange,
RPhalange wrote:

What you don't see is - she is holding onto all these things for a reason. You might not understand the reason and it might not make sense to you, but those feelings and the fear of parting with these things are real. You are trivializing her real feelings.

I cannot and would not make assumptions about what is causing her to feel this way, but a good therapist would work through that.

Also it is great that she has let you know what she needs, what bothers her , but the next step is for the both of you to work through some sort of compromise. Again you are ignoring her pleas for what she wants so although you are saying she does not listen to them....it appears as if you do not as well.

It is really difficult to provide you both advice as you need someone committed to work with you both and a true commitment from both of you, otherwise this cycle is just going to continue.



I'm not asking her to part with her kids artwork from when they were in kindergarten or something her grandmother gave her shortly before she died. I'm talking about clothes that are a size 2, 4, 6, or even an 8 that she knows she will never get back in. When I first met her she was rail thin. Now she's wearing size 14/16. Why are you holding onto a bunch of jeans that are size 2 or a bunch of bras when you were an A cup. You're rocking Ds now. Fashions change, styles change, and then we all get older and we just don't need to be still wearing Daisy Dukes from the 80s or parachute pants and Member's Only jackets. How many of us still have bell bottom pants from the 70 or shirts with collars that go all the way out to the ends of your shoulders? Probably none of us. Why, because we'd look silly in them and none of us probably could fit into any of them anyway. Get rid of them. And this is not a mental issue. She just doesn't want to take the time to sit down and go through them, plain and simple.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Thu 4 Aug, 2022 02:26 pm
Once again, you're ignoring the points both of us are making and focussing on your frustrations. There really isn't much point conversing with you when you're like this.
0 Replies
 
RPhalange
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 4 Aug, 2022 03:28 pm
@Barry2021,
Barry it is a known mental disorder; there can be a variety of reasons why someone may hoard, usually it goes back to some sort of traumatic event in which the person uses hoarding to feel better (in simplistic terms). Taking stuff away can cause this person huge amounts of anxiety. I cannot really tell you why your wife may be hoarding, a therapist would have to work with her to determine why she feels this compulsion.

Here is an article if you are interested

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/hoarding-disorder#:~:text=continues%20after%20advertisement-,Causes,risk%20of%20developing%20the%20disorder.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 04:09 am
@RPhalange,
No, it's not right to armchair a medical diagnosis of Barry's wife. She's not crazy, she's not a hoarder nor is she doing anything wrong. Barry just doesn't like it when she refuses to put up with his nonstop critical control issues.

He wants to dictate every aspect of her life. Yes, I can acknowledge her passage-aggressive techniques with him, but after a 20 yr marriage, she's learned to deal with him and his idiosyncrasies quite well. She's not going to tolerate him telling her what she "needs" vs wants. He doesn't get to make her decisions for her.

He certainly doesn't get to tell her what clothes to keep or get rid of. Yes, people DO have bell bottom jeans from the 70's. Maybe there's a fringed cowboy jacket from Urban Cowboy style stuck in the back of the closet. Hell even I have a size 2 red leather skirt still hanging neatly on the side of the closet. (Don't laugh, red leather was the bomb at one time. Just ask Eddie Murphy)

I have all my original Dress Blues and fatigues from, well, a very long time ago. No, I will never be told to get rid of them. Why? Because I don't live with an idiot who thinks his way is better than mine.

Barry wants to complain about his wife's bras.

Let that sink in a minute.

Really. Sink. In.

This isn't about his wife's bras at all. Or her clothes. It's the quintessential Barry, doing Barry things, trying to control something he cannot. Please stop trying to diagnose Snow, his wife. Yes, occasionally she does post here. She's just as normal as anyone, with a few quirks but mainly a sane individual.

Again, Barry's been posting about his wife and family for over a year, According to him, they're all pieces of **** and he's the only one with an ounce of common sense in the whole bunch. It's a façade, a ruse, a snapshot of the chaos Barry has built up in his head.

It's been advised for Barry to seek counseling, divorce or put up with his Life. He chooses to do nothing but continually post how bad it is for him but he does nothing to change his own circumstances.

Now it seems he's found someone sympathetic to his plight. Read his history. You'll see how it's everybody's fault and he's the Savior, each and every time. And after awhile, it just gets tiresome to deal with.

PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 05:29 am
Is this new behavior? She’s 52 - perhaps there are physical or menopausal issues going on that are affecting her ability for her own self care. Has any outside third party mentioned the issue?

Barry’s also in high gear for over focusing on his wife’s behavior and control issues. How is it that he knows exactly what is in each drawer, nook and cranny? That also sounds creepy to me.

It takes time to monitor other people and snoop in their possessions. Is this his life’s work right now?

He should go to therapy to find out why this marriage is so dysfunctional and why he is so focused on his wife’s behavior. He clearly is not happy with this partner who has SO MANY personality qualities and behaviors that cause him distress.

Why not separate for a while? I suppose pride on his part and worry about perception from the church family and status prevent him from acting on his own unhappiness.

0 Replies
 
Barry2021
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 05:39 am
@RPhalange,
RPhalange wrote:

Barry it is a known mental disorder; there can be a variety of reasons why someone may hoard, usually it goes back to some sort of traumatic event in which the person uses hoarding to feel better (in simplistic terms). Taking stuff away can cause this person huge amounts of anxiety. I cannot really tell you why your wife may be hoarding, a therapist would have to work with her to determine why she feels this compulsion.

Here is an article if you are interested

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/hoarding-disorder#:~:text=continues%20after%20advertisement-,Causes,risk%20of%20developing%20the%20disorder.


Everything is not a mental issue. This is just an issue of her not wanting to take the time to clean out her closets and drawers.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 06:17 am
@Barry2021,
Why? Why does she have to do this? Because it would make YOU happy? You're certainly never interested in making her happy, why you do feel the need to dictate to her how many clothes she has?

Ever think of building her a walk in closet?
0 Replies
 
RPhalange
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 09:15 am
@neptuneblue,
This is the last I will respond as you seem to be a very mean person. You have called people names and I have read other insults to others.

I did not call her crazy - and I actually stated that I will not nor cannot say why she hoards. I simply stated that yes this is a mental disorder and not to minimize it. I NEVER said she had a mental disorder nor NEVER diagnosed her. I simply stated this is a known situation and can cause anxiety - I even stated a therapist would need to meet with her and determine it.

And you are calling the kettle black. You are diagnosing her...your words "..she's not a hoarder..." So you diagnosed she is not...how would you know?

You may be possibly correct in Barry and his posts, but you are mean you how you post. One, if they do not like what someone says, can ignore them rather than be cruel in their words.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 09:19 am
@RPhalange,
I've been called worse. So there's that.

Stick around. After the 15th more posts from Barry slamming his wife and family, you'll see...
0 Replies
 
RPhalange
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 09:19 am
@Barry2021,
You are correct not everything is a mental disorder. What I was referencing is hoarding can be a sign of a mental disorder. It is a known reaction for many people that have suffered a traumatic event. I was pointing this out as you stated hoarding is not.

I said, your wife would need to work with a counselor to see what is causing this and if it is due to some deeper issue.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 09:23 am
@RPhalange,
I've had my run ins with Neptune as well.

She doesn't suffer fools gladly.

I know you think that being a school consellor makes you very sagacious and knowledgable, but Neptune has seen active duty.

She's dealt with real problems and if that makes her "mean" it's to be expected.

At least she's not full of ****.
0 Replies
 
PoliteMight
 
  -2  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 10:48 am
@Barry2021,
That sounds like your in prison.
I mean, what do you guys do for fun?
Are you planning to have kids or already did?
Doesn't she like anything to do with the outside world? or even talks about traveling? Like to a ski-resort, boating, cruise to nowhere?, or events? Doesn't she have anything in her beyond her phone?

You talk about "man jobs" ? Who does the registrations, taxes, car check-ups, tune-ups, medical insurance re-certification, or anything like that?

The-house-is-a-womans world. Based on your income traditionally she would use part to fix it up. Beyond that it is your castle, and she is suppose to make you feel valued for your time at work. Some women even do the taxes, and moderates the monthly budget ( usually in eastern nations ). Her primary job is to make life feel like an eternal vacation, and keep you pointing in the right direction.

Not make you feel like "wosse me". She is suppose to be popping those kids out like a factory, or even if you have to mail-order your children from somebody willing to carry you guys DNA full term. Point is that is the equal divider.

Gals
1. She makes you feel like god.
2. She maintain her health to keep her body looking like a girl and you wanting her.
3. She takes care of the paper work if she can and provide meals if she can
4. She makes you feel like wanting to live and wanting to be better person.
5. She brushes your teeth, scrubs you down, mothers you.
6. She invest in your needs and wants.

Guys.
1. He studies, works hard, rushes over time.
2. He maintains his body so he could not only look the part but work out in the bed-room
3. He takes her out to exotic places since girls like to travel.
4. You say sweet nothings to her, and be twisted at times.
5. You be her daddy ( not to baby her ), have her on her knee, defend her verbal and physically at times. Encourage her to do things she wants to do.
6. You invest in her goals.

Their are tons more variables but you get the picture.

...................................................................................................................................

Fast food is unhealthy garbage unless we are talking about sushi or a specific kind of food.

Everybody cleans.....even the roaches in the wall cleans themselves.

What kind of woman is this? Is she bi-polar?

"pizza rolls, frozen chicken tenders" = garbage in my opinion. IDK what kind of food is that but honestly frozen foods is not my thing, I need stuff fresh or I might as well swallow pills or drink mix of some sort.

What do you folks do for a living????

"From 4 to 6 until I get off she's sitting on sofa scrolling through Facebook or playing or hosting Bingo games on FB."

That makes no sense, I mean okay she like that? great but again what you folks do for a living?

Two hours sounds okay, I wish it was regular videogames and not something on facebook but again that is her life. Not tapping in those hours for driving I guess.

If you love this person, then you should tap her to make some kids, because so far what you have been telling me, is that she is a "pretty person" that you love and or for some reason your ball n chained to her, because finding somebody else would not be worth the time.

Again why are you with her? What is so great about her physically and mentally that keeps you and her together? It just sounds like your not making babies with her and she is already in elderly person mode. Your making an effort and yet I am not seeing anything outside of body?
Barry2021
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 02:00 pm
@PoliteMight,
We do fun things but that's a far cry from keeping your home clean and clutter free.

And no, my wife doesn't have many friends. She tends to think anyone trying to get close to her is just trying to get into her business. We had that conversation a week or so ago about how she needs friends. She was in 2 branches of the military and one of her best friends lives here in our city and the last time they spoke was a number of years ago. My best friend from college lives in a completely different state but we talk several times a year.

Yes, we have bigger issues that my wife is unwilling to bend on. Since we've been dating / married we've always kept separate bank accounts and she refuses to have one joint account where all money goes into because she refuses to let me know what she actually makes. If you read one of my earlier posts several years ago she applied for and got a credit card without my knowledge and maxed it out for more than $10k that she now has to pay back.

We are in our early 50s so there will be no more kids coming out of her. We don't have any together. She had 2 sons from her first marriage and I had one from a previous relationship. Again, none together.

I can't stress to everyone how this is not a mental issue but just a woman who doesn't want to clean up or declutter. Yeah, I could just as easily do it for her but what woman is going to sit back and let her man get rid of her clothes and not say a thing? None that I know of. And I'm not just going to live with it like some have suggested. That just shows her she can do or don't do what she know needs to be done. And as one other person said to just build her a bigger closet. That couldn't have been the dumbest answer ever. "Ok, I don't like that you won't throw anything away knowing you can't wear it anymore so I'll just build you a bigger closet to keep more stuff."

PoliteMight
 
  -2  
Reply Fri 5 Aug, 2022 06:43 pm
@Barry2021,
It is your life whatever I say is pure opinion I wish you and wherever the remainder of your life takes you.
.....................

"We are in our early 50s so there will be no more kids coming out of her. We don't have any together. She had 2 sons from her first marriage and I had one from a previous relationship. Again, none together"

This is not a wife. This is somebody that you sleep with. Her time and apparently yours ( by your choice ) is apparently gone. Gone are the actual means of marriage ( a business commitment ). Your just married because of some kind of religious nutjobbery obligation, but your no different then dating. You and her might as well call your lives a power-couple, and do swinging, and get implants, and "live-at-the-gym".

Your in my fathers and mothers uncles generations groups. You get married to some random woman because you want her inside your house and you want her to be yours. But you guys are not living but waiting for death to claim you. Your not starting a business at all, yet your with this woman and she is clearly using you like a walking vibrator butler that makes money.

I understand,( Like my parents generation ) you do not want to be "gay". So the first thing you do when life sets you free is to go find a bun for your dog and go through the same "walk down the isle" bit because that is how you are programmed to be as a person.

If I was me, I would start making some investments on the side, let her kill herself off with her junk food, check out about investing in stocks, bonds, or even investing in small businesses, even start a small farm or garden of some sort. Something that you could enjoy. Save your money and get out.

In my opinion your married to a living blow-up doll, or vibrater for men ( a flesh tight ) and the only difference between an A.I. or talking to random girls via video-chat where they do not see you, and that is why you are with her. So you wont feel like a loser.

That is not happiness. I would advise spending time actually talking with you
son ( your flesh and blood that is real and not the robot vagina you sleep with )
and getting to know him and talk about his life and where he is going and what is what, it sounds like your wasting your life with this woman because you do not want to be alone without something that is a vagina.

Your 50+ years old and your free of family, you should be investing in a business. Trying to reinvent yourself, Leave something behind for your flesh and blood children, get out in the public, run for some political position, dammit even working on your bod or even flying a kite.

This is not a relationship. This is an excuse for you to brag to your elderly friends about the poon your with, by far is sounds like a real joke to me. I would get out, I would learn everything I could being an investor, I would connect with my children, I would go off grid and live off the land, I would praise every day I do not have to see a vagina unless my son brung me to a place to dance with a wayward girl, or something like that. I would not be happy if that was the situation. Your just setting yourself up.

You guys have to make life interesting. The best years of your lives should not be over and every day after have to better then the last.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Sat 6 Aug, 2022 01:08 pm
@PoliteMight,
You should stop offering your advice as it is just twaddle. You don't comprehend much of the poster's story, and your advice/opinions are ludicrous in all cases. Why don't you join one of the game threads, instead.
PoliteMight
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 6 Aug, 2022 09:15 pm
@Mame,
Unlike you I actually do understand. He is one of those people who can not live without a woman inside his house. He is addicted to the presence of "Girl" in his house. Instead of advancing his level of ability or hanging with his son, or managing a business, he would rather be bound to a woman for some reason.

My grandfather, my uncles, my father, and so many losers from the post 1950's all have this problem. They want a woman with them, all they have on the brain is girlies. While there is nothing wrong with that it is mismanaged.
This woman only cares about him like my sister, mother, aunt, grandma cares about me. The only difference is that he sleeps with her. This is not love, this is an excuse to be married. Men of his generation believes he needs to be married in order to live with a woman that they sleep with. Marriage is like this invisible line of marking his territory. It is like urinating on the tree so nobody will want to mark it....so much.

I know younger people in their 20's and 30's who are in relationships where they sleep around, but have one girlfriend they show to the family to show they are not gay and they brought somebody wholesome home with them.

I mean a guy his age, after his first wife or etc should be at clubs, smoking a cigar, smelling the grass, going horse back riding, at the shooting range, sample wines and cheese. Glaring at his portfolio. Making a painting and checking out My-turners, or whatever life could throw at him.
0 Replies
 
 

 
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