Dealing with a toxic parent opinion

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I am an adult firstly. All my life I've had to deal with my mother who never has a nice thing to say. I dont visit that often as she's awful when i do. I'm being honest as I can here. To her own friends she's a different person. To her family she's evil. She's insults us and it's always about her. I do have a lot of patience however a person can only take so much. She tells lies and all the family are aware of of how she plays one of against the other as liars need a good memory. I dread to think the lies she makes up to her friends. Recently she has insulted my husband however because she's elderly he let it go over his head. I have had it all my
life. I have told her in the past even falling out with her she could not care less. When I stay away she causes drama with other members for attention. How do you deal with someone who is completely toxic is my question. I cant recall a time she was nice to me. Even on my wedding day she did her best to embarrass me. I was ill in hospital after surgery and because she could not get through to me it was my fault. It was a serious surgery and was out of it for 3 days. My husband did keep her informed but she wanted to create drama. She wasn't concerned as she never visited me and I was ill it was just gossip for her friends as I saw her once through 6 month of chemo. The whole time she was phoning my husband to run after her and do ger shopping while I was ill with cancer. Everything seems to be about her. I dont ask her for anything as she would have a go at me. I never have asked for help as its thrown in my face. Everything I've achieved is through my own hard work. She's just pulled me down my whole life. Like I said I hardly visit as I know she's nasty to me. If I phone I get snide snarky underhand comments. She is awful to my children who won't visit due to this. She lies she pretended to have cancer for attention when I asked her about her cancer she avoided questions. I know the cancer path I tread it. To be honest it's pretty nasty to do this. She makes drama out of nothing to cause trouble. Like I say all my family are aware of this. She's not mentally ill just nasty. I have no nice memories. The only time she contacts me is if she needs something. I cant understand why someone would be like that. If I have friends she's rude to them. If I have been somewhere like a nice cafe etc she will go yo the cafeband then be rude to the owner making sure they know she's my mother. I'm trying to write things as best I can. An example I had my car fixed at a garage which was great ,nice staff etc. She went to the garage to have her car fixed and phoned me to say it was the worst garage ever. I cant go back there as she was that rude. She's been rude to all my friends ive ever had. I'm wondering what to do as she's elderly and speaking to her no matter what way you approach she Denys her behaviour and gets overdramatic and nasty. She's very controlling. She can go on holiday we can't. I do go on holiday however she's purposely acts disintrested if we do. My kids who are grown up she's really nasty to them in the same way as me. My brother she's the same he stays out of her way. I cant understand why anyone could behave like this.
Obviously she's different with her friends I presume as it's a wonder she has any. I'm just asking for advice to see if anyone else has the same issue. She's not had an awful up bringing and what I would call a privileged life always had a lot of money and I mean a lot. On the other hand I've made my own way struggled and she gloated and loved it. However I never asked her for help as the one time I did she told everyone and still rubs it in my face. I think she's narcissistic?

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My father is similzrly toxic.

I suspect he has narcissistic personality disorder.

People with the above condition are incapable of empathy.

My father would gaslight me as well, all the time.

Google gaslighting and narcissistic personality disorder,if nothing else it should give you some ideas of how to cope.

As for the garage, I'd still go there, just let them know you think your mother is terrible too.

I once met a woman at a party who had had to endure my father as a boss. At first she was reluctant to talk to me because of that, but after talking she told me thst had she not known who my father was she would never have guessed, because I'm nothing like him, which was the nicest thing a stranger has ever said.

You are not at fault, your mother is.

Never forget that.

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... and you are under no obligation to keep your mother in your life.

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@izzthepush I have had people treat me differently once my mother has met them. The garage is one example. I'm embarrassed for her behaviour. It's only the fact she's elderly I tolerate it. However it's nothing to do with her age her behaviour has always been the same. She's obviously different with her friends. I've took a big step back now as I'm sick of trying and sick of being pulled down. However my eldest is getting really upset by her. It's a carbon copy of how she was with me. My eldest is an adult and I have told her step back from her and dont phone her as often etc. I just cannot understand why she is so nasty. Being nasty to her own family seems to be a hobby. I look back over my life and have no nice memories of her just being shouted at, insulted and hit. I left home as soon as I was old enough. I will google what you said. Its a shame her friends can't see her for what she is. It's upsetting me currently as like I said I stepped back as much as I can but my eldest is getting it. I look at it from the outside and think she is doing it all again to my eldest. But my eldest is an adult so it's her choice whether to see her. It's a horrible thing to say that your own mother is awful.

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@Tisme,

Make sure your eldest knows you have their back and are on their side.

My paternal grandmother was foul, and my father always took her side regardless.

I get on very well with my kids, they know I am always on their side in any dispute they may have with my father.

You can't change your mother, but you can do your best to be nothing like her.

Focus on your children, they're the ones who matter.

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@izzythepush,

izzythepush wrote:

.....I suspect he has narcissistic personality disorder.

People with the above condition are incapable of empathy.

...You are not at fault, your mother is.

I have a friend who in her 50s finally came to term with this and her mother - she frequently posts about this and how she overcame it to give support to others. I bet you can find a support group for families that have narcissistic parent...it came be a tough thing to overcome.

She has decided to not have her as part of her life - no reason.

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Thanks its awful the only reason I gave put up with it is because she is my mother but i have had enough now. On the rare occasion I visit or phone she's vile. My youngest went to visit and hasn't been for a while all she did was have a go at her to the point she came home and cried and she's thick skinned. Feigning cancer to me was a low point as she gloated she would rather die than have chemo ( she didn't have cancer). I had chemo I would not be here today if I didn't have it. I cant figure in my head why she's so twisted. However I can now realise how awful she is. Just typing it on here on a few instances thinking about it has opened my eyes as I should not put up with it. Thanks

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Most likely her friends and even the garage workers know that she’s an elderly narcissistic. Please consider getting some therapy to teach you how to detach from her and still feel good about yourself.

Narcissists are great for dumping guilt and shifting the blame to others. It sounds like your mother is well-versed on how to do this.

Good luck. You are the victim of selfish parenting but you sound like you have a handle on it and know what it is.

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