Who here has a degree in theology or is just very wise, sensitive, and knowledgeable about heaven?

I am an agnostic, although I was raised as a Ukrainian Catholic in Connecticut. I have the following to say to you.

First, your guilt is unwarranted, completely. I am not about "to convince you" as to whether or not there is a "God", as I do not possess the right to do so. However, I also do not have the innate knowledge to do so, and this is important. My reasoning is as follows: The only way I ever found out about religion, an after life, a heaven (or hell), or any other divine aspect, was through the teachings of mortals. Mortals err. That is MY reasoning for such hesitation about religious matters.

However, assuming that you are so tethered to a religion and suffer its mandates, requirements, and beliefs, I will continue to address you as if your religion and its teachings are irrefutable, absolute, and unerring.

The "God" you insinuate seems to be a fair entity who knows how mankind can err. Given that, your great fear of your son not entering heaven seems to counter this overriding teaching which you seem, subjectively to espouse. Do you really think that your "God" will shut the door to a helpless waif who did nothing to end his own life? And, madam, think about this: Do you really think that your "God" is holding a firebrand over your soul in order to terrify you as much as he "delights" in doing?

Actually, madam, what I have been inferring here is the fact that YOU just might be displeasing your "God" by wrongly inferring that "He" ("She?", "It") is WANTING you to be tearing your hair out over this rather normal (yes, not abnormal) autoimmune method of death that nature sometimes provides. Your religion infers that even bad things are sometimes directed by this "God" and we should neither hold such "God" as mischievously accountable or take matters into our hands in ways which border upon blasphemy.

As cold-hearted as this might initially seem, you must stop blaming yourself in your desperate attempt to find 'reason' with something that is no fault of your own. Your endless guilt is an attempt to garner sympathy from others. Instead, turn inwardly, become a better person through this anguish.

Yes, what I am getting at here is this: Sometimes there is not a human understanding for ways which seem, outwardly, to be evil, but are really simply nothing other than a vehicle for providing a healthy catalyst for segueing into a more enhanced component for human development. Madam, you will honor your "God" in the best way possible by proving to "Him" that you will develop further as a rational being, a considerate being, a being which best manifests the very best human attributes by which your religion achieves its legitimacy. Use this sadness to reduce others' sadness. - David Lyga