I know she’s going to hit me tonight

It’s a certain feeling when she is too far gone. Not drunk, not tired, not worn down, just gone…

First can I say that the last week has been amazing? I realize this is feeding into the toxic relationship definition but this week was really beautiful. I chalked the last couple of months being hard to the move. She didn’t hit me, we just fought and fought bad. But I was always home. Things are always better when I am gone sometimes. For both of us.

But this week, it’s been wonderful. Yes I have been gone at work giving us both a nice separation. But also, she was on her period. Her hormones dictate all. Or sometimes it’s just when she isn’t feeling well… but either way, it’s all about how she is feeling. This week, she needed and WANTED me. Wanted me around, wanted me to touch her, wanted me to be myself.

With everything being so … right (?) I started to get my sex drive back. I felt safe and valued and like I was doing things right this week… so I let myself feel attractive and also attracted to faith. I knew today was the day. It was Saturday, we slept, we had communicated a clear plan for the day, we were content. Today was the day I was going to ask for sex. I knew she would say yes, she was kissing me and being sexual with me and the foreplay had been amazing all week. And then I asked and then the sex was amazing… but then I did something she didn’t like. I touched her over her clothes in the moment because I thought it was ok and it was right in the mood. She never stopped me but when I stopped she asked me why I did it. I did it to keep things going, to stay in the mood and in the moment and maybe (selfishly? Or maybe it isn’t, idk my idea of sex is so fucked now) I wanted to touch her. I know she didn’t want me to be inside her or take off her clothes and that wasn’t my intention and I would never force her into anything. I wanted to love eachother and keep going and maybe she would **** me again. It’s not a tit for tat. She always accuses me of that, I don’t need to “do” her cuz she “did” me. ****! I just want to be with my partner of 7 years.

She called me a rapist for touching her this way. But she calls me that all the time. When I talk when I’m not supposed to for example. Faith controls every situation and I let her, but sometimes I just want to be in the moment and she never is.

So tonight, I have tried to apologize 4 times now and she just screams “rapist” in my face or interrupts me or gets aggressive and I walk away. I am not raping my girlfriend by touching her during sex. But you tell me. Below is exactly the situation, unfiltered.

I am naked, post her ******* me and going down on me. I still have energy so we start making out and I get on top of her. She had been wearing a sports bra and underwear the whole time because she is on her period but also she is pretty strictly a top. Anyways I am grinding on her and we are making out and she is into it and I roll off of her and start kissing her neck and chest (over the bra) and torso. I am playing with her clit a little over her panties and then just stop and we are resting. Then she gets pissed.

I explain I wasn’t trying to do anything more just touch her. I want more and want to keep the mood going. I don’t know if I should have touched her like I did, it was in the mood we were both into it she didn’t ask me to stop when I started and I was not in the position of power.

For the last 4 hours she has been calling me a rapist. She won’t listen to anything and she won’t calm down.

When she is like this I have a hard time remaining calm and quiet. If I say the wrong thing, I will get hit.

I can’t not say the wrong thing tonight.

Staying away isn’t an option. If I sleep on the couch or guest room it will be worse tomorrow.

What the ****?

What the ****.