I broke it off now I'm having second thoughts.....

Reply Tue 12 Oct, 2021 02:33 pm
I'm 9 weeks out of a 4 1/2 year serious relationship. My boyfriend was perfect in so many ways, ways that are very important to me. However, he was a "velcro" boyfriend, always wanted me with him all the time, everywhere he went. I lived with him for 2 years and I just had to have some space so about a year and a half ago I moved into my own place. We remained together, but the running back and forth and him always wanting me to be there on the weekends (he wouldn't come to my place) was just wearing me out. He has some strange issues that I can't deal with and i have some he can't deal with so it just wasn't working. We've been on and off a few times during the past two years. I told him I wanted to break it off for good. For 8 weeks I have been so free and so happy and staying busy and entertaining friends and going shopping and just enjoying my life again. He was a little on the controlling side as far as me spending time with family and friends. He didn't want me to Christmas shop (I start early and by Christmas I'm all finished and not stressed during the season). He said it took too much time away from him. He said some really cruel things about how I do Christmas which hurt me to the core last year.

All things said and done, I just wanted to be free. So for the past 8 weeks I have never shed a tear, never looked back. I had a dream about him the other night and it had our kitten in the dream and I woke up crying and haven't stopped since. I'm at work but I can't concentrate, I'm so sad and I feel like I made a huge mistake. The attributes that I loved about him were his kindness, little surprises, always doing things for me always holding my hand and all the things that drove me nuts before are all the things I miss right now. We traveled. We had a camper, we went camping and to rodeos and to Arkansas to float the rivers and fish. We went to Denver to Red Rocks Ampitheater, went to Lafayette all the time, went to Ft. Worth a lot, and Jefferson, TX. I'm scared. I don't know that I will find anyone else at my age that will be faithful like him and take me places. I had really never been anywhere before I met him. I miss him so much it's killing me and I miss the kitten (he's like our baby). I think he's dating someone now and I'm not ready for any of that. I have not even tried to look I just don't think that would be fair to anyone unless i'm completely over ex bf and feel ready.

He was very faithful, all of that stuff never entered our minds or our relationship. Other than the time he expected from me I was happy. I left him once before for 6 weeks and the same thing, I was fine. No problem, then I saw him and fell to pieces. Is this normal and will I get past this and what is wrong with me? Why can't I just move on like I wanted to? The need to say things and tell him things is overwhelming. Please help. I need advice on how to process all this and be happy again. Thank you!!
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Reply Tue 12 Oct, 2021 03:14 pm
Hi Smile

I've noticed you answering a bunch of relationship topics and I appreciate you're not just here to get your answer and run.

Reading this, my takeaway is that you actually should look for someone. But not necessarily the way you think.

Your ex was not only your boyfriend. He was your friend.

So make friends.

Sounds hard, eh?

My fave way to do this (and I bet I'm older than you) is via MeetUp. Just search for stuff in your area and cross-reference it with whatever floats your boat: travel, camping, cosplay, writing, fitness, crafting, anything that works for you.

You'll see people, either in person or perhaps online because of Covid. Either way is fine. Laugh, chat, talk about your shared passion, whatever it may be.

These people may be the kinds of folks you normally never would have hung out with, e. g. not in your age group, or if it's online, far from your location, etc. All of that is 100% fine.

Don't like a group? Then leave it. You're under no obligation to hang out with a MeetUp group if it stops working for you.

I am suggesting this because one of the holes in your life is the social aspect of things. There are other people you can go to Arkansas with, or fish with, or attend rodeos. Find those people. Find that tribe, because that's your tribe.

About the romantic aspect of it. You're right that you should be more or less over him before you go looking for love. But you don't have to be 100% over him oh my God stake in the heart of the old relationship burn it with fire etc.

You just need to be able to spend time with someone else and pay attention to them without continually comparing them with your ex or wishing they were someone else. This may be earlier than you think.

And making friends (I keep circling back to this, because I think it's key) will give you some practice in that area. The part of you that realizes that it's rude if you talk about Dave (or whatever your ex's name is) constantly when your new pal Becky wants to talk about rug hooking (or whatever your shared passion is)? That part will tell you, in time, that it's rude to compare Dave to your new flirt, Steve.

So consider it practice. Training wheels, if you will.

Will you cry over him again?


The death of a relationship is a lot like a physical death. You mourn what was and what could have been, and you mourn the fact that you're not the same person. As Bob Seger sings in Against the Wind, "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then."

In time, you'll start to realize that you don't miss Dave leaving his socks all over the place, or his critiquing of your early Xmas shopping habits (teach the rest of us your secret, oh wise one). And that when Steve smiles, it's like magic.

Replace the above names as necessary, and lather, rinse, repeat until you feel not just better but awesome.

As for your kitteh, I hope you'll be able to see him at some point, when contact wouldn't be quite so fraught. But maybe stay away for the time being. Give yourself a chance to heal.

You are a worthwhile person and good lord you deserve to be happy.
Reply Wed 13 Oct, 2021 02:30 pm
Wow, what a nice, thoughtful and helpful reply. Update: You're not going to believe this but last night I actually saw the "meet up" thing and I checked it out just for a minute. I have always wanted to join groups for dancing, kayaking and archery, but I haven't done it yet. Also, I spoke with a dear friend last night whom I have known for over 30 years. We used to work together for 20+ years. He knows me well and it did me good to vent.

As for being wise and buying Christmas gifts early, it's sort of a tradition. I get a half bushel with handles, paint it, apply ribbon and add a Cross on the front. I do this for my two daughters and my DIL every year. During the year and when I travel, I see neat things and I get them. Go home, drop them in their respective boxes and during December I use matching tissue and wrap the gifts and it 's all done. I love doing the 'buckets' as they are affectionately called and have had many people ask me to make some for them. It's a passion and the ex just didn't like me making them. It's a joy for me and it's therapeutic and I can't wait to give them at Christmas. He said he had "seen it first hand and did not want to participate in my Christmases any more." Very mean thing to say. Anyway, I'm finished with the buckets for this year, October is grandkids, November is the guys and all December I get to enjoy the season. I'm continuing that tradition now. And, I woke up feeling much better this morning! I'm not sad and I'm looking forward to the weekend and the cooler weather. I needs to wear my Boots !! I have a LOT of boots LOL. Thank all of you for your kind words and advice!
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