5
   

Is this condescending and how would you approach this with a co-worker?

 
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Oct, 2021 10:23 am
@Linkat,
Maybe she's also just typing in a stream of consciousness kind of way. Anyway, I think we've done this to death.
0 Replies
 
Seizan
 
  2  
Reply Thu 7 Oct, 2021 02:54 pm
Good morning from Okinawa.

I think most of us have been called "dear, sugar, sweetie, darling, honey", etc. by those other than significant in out personal lives. I usually just ignore it especially if it's an isolated communication. But when it's from someone I have to talk to often (especially on a professional basis), I say something like,

"I don't mind being called 'sweetie', but it's 'Mr. Sweetie' please, or 'Mr. Breyette'. I Hope that's OK with you."

During phone calls, I am usually swift to interrupt the caller when he/she says "dear" by interjecting "MR. Dear, please, or Mr. Breyette, thank you" (emphasis on the "MR." Dear).

Seems to work OK.
0 Replies
 
Seizan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Oct, 2021 05:25 pm
* ... other than significant in our personal lives ...
0 Replies
 
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Fri 8 Oct, 2021 06:24 am
@Barry2021,
Barry2021 wrote:


I've posted this before about being called a pet or cutesy name while on the job from a client or patient but here's another take on it. Background: I work for a medical company and we supply free medications to people who qualify for it. We get calls all day long and some times the doctor's office staff or even the patients like to refer to you as sweetie or honey even after I've given them my name. Most times they understand and don't do it anymore. But other times they get offended because they feel you are correcting them, but I guess you are. My name is not sweetie, honey, baby, or dear.

Since we're working from home right now we have an inner offer group chat with all our team members and one girl in particular, that I've never met personally likes to send me messages outside of the group chat when I ask a question. We may be discussing a particular situation of work process and she'll call me "Sweetie". Talking on the phone with a patient or doctor's office is one thing. People may just use those words in everyday speech. However, this woman is typing it in a chat message. "I don't think we have blank forms we can access sweetie" and then she followed it up with, "Thanks sweetie for researching an option for these calls." Again, I do not know her personally and since we've been working from home more than year I've only chatted with her on the company Microsoft Teams account. And this isn't the first time I've noticed her doing this.

How would you approach this with a co-worker or would you just excuse it as "that's just how she talks". But in this situation she's not talking, she's typing. If we were in the office and I walked by other people's desks and said something like "good morning sweetie" or "baby, did you get that email I sent you" I'd probably find myself in HR with a possible sexual harassments charge against me or hostile work environment.

Should I say something to this co-work to correct her or do I bite my tongue and just look at it as that's just how she communicates?


I am going to be a bit more direct than many of the others here have.

We are in the midst of a pandemic that has killed 4 1/2 millions world-wide, over 700,000 in our country alone; we recently survived an insurrection; almost half our people seem to loathe the other half and vice versa; our nation is in debt to the tune of $27 TRILLION; the global climate catastrophe is destroying civilization and not being handled even reasonably...

...and you are asking how to deal with someone calling you honey!

Jesus H. Christ!

Grow the hell up. Someone calling you honey, sweetie, or dear is no big deal. Grow the hell up.
engineer
 
  2  
Reply Fri 8 Oct, 2021 01:41 pm
@Frank Apisa,
I disagree with this comment. In a professional setting, it is reasonable to ask to be treated as a professional. I doubt we would advise any woman to ignore such infantilizing treatment, at least if she wanted to command professional respect. Whether that is the coworker's intent is not really important and if those emails were read by a third party without context, they would be at best confusing.

As to all of the other problems in the world, we can walk and chew gum at the same time. Nothing stopping the OP from solving his little problems while the world works on their big ones.
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Fri 8 Oct, 2021 02:06 pm
@engineer,
Your disagreement is noted.

Being called "Sweetie" and "Honey" and other names of that sort are part of the norm for many.

To come onto a forum to ask for help on how to stop it sounds a bit to me like a kid telling Mom, "Make him stop. He's saying nah, nah, nah, nah, nah."


But, maybe I am being too hard...and too non-objective. I'm an old man...we tend to get a bit cranky.

I think poster should just let it go...or work up the courage to indicate to the person doing this that it must stop and not start up again. If I were bothered by it (there is no way I would allow myself to be bothered by it)...I guarantee I would communicate my displeasure in a way that would end it immediately.
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Fri 8 Oct, 2021 02:22 pm
@Frank Apisa,
Frank, this experience of being called honey, etc. is pretty much SOP for a woman in the world of work.

And a lot of us really, really hate it. It's condescending, often sexist, and utterly unprofessional.

I have a name and I expect the people I work with and for to use it.

When I still practiced law, I was routinely asked if I was the court reporter, even after I had introduced myself as counsel. And I recall a client who thought I was a paralegal because he thought that was the term for a female lawyer. And I also spent time in Supreme Queens training a new guy (I was 3 years his senior) and opposing counsel asked the guy I was training if I was a new trainee and if the firm was going to keep me.

A lot of this bullshit is why I don't practice anymore.

I have also, long after I stopped practicing, been in meetings (in several different industries!) where I've had male colleagues and outsiders coming in (people from other offices, clients, etc.) inevitably turn to the man in the room — any man — and defer to him as the boss. I haven't necessarily been the boss in those instances, but the fact that, in many people's minds, man = boss and boss = man, in 2021, that's sadly not surprising anymore.

I'm too loudmouthed and bitchy to allow that kind of crap to go on, but a lot of people aren't. They sit there, silently gritting their teeth, and then are passed over for promotions because they're not assertive enough, or the client doesn't respect them.

Yeah, in the grand scheme of things, it's not curing cancer.

Are any of us (be honest here) usually in a position to have something that momentous happen to us personally?

I bet that's a big ole nope right there.

This is the OP's lived experience, and it's an experience that I share. And I know a lot of other people do as well.

And if it's not important to you, you know there's no need to do anything but collapse the topic.
Frank Apisa
 
  2  
Reply Fri 8 Oct, 2021 02:37 pm
@jespah,
jespah wrote:

Frank, this experience of being called honey, etc. is pretty much SOP for a woman in the world of work.

And a lot of us really, really hate it. It's condescending, often sexist, and utterly unprofessional.

I have a name and I expect the people I work with and for to use it.

When I still practiced law, I was routinely asked if I was the court reporter, even after I had introduced myself as counsel. And I recall a client who thought I was a paralegal because he thought that was the term for a female lawyer. And I also spent time in Supreme Queens training a new guy (I was 3 years his senior) and opposing counsel asked the guy I was training if I was a new trainee and if the firm was going to keep me.

A lot of this bullshit is why I don't practice anymore.

I have also, long after I stopped practicing, been in meetings (in several different industries!) where I've had male colleagues and outsiders coming in (people from other offices, clients, etc.) inevitably turn to the man in the room — any man — and defer to him as the boss. I haven't necessarily been the boss in those instances, but the fact that, in many people's minds, man = boss and boss = man, in 2021, that's sadly not surprising anymore.

I'm too loudmouthed and bitchy to allow that kind of crap to go on, but a lot of people aren't. They sit there, silently gritting their teeth, and then are passed over for promotions because they're not assertive enough, or the client doesn't respect them.

Yeah, in the grand scheme of things, it's not curing cancer.

Are any of us (be honest here) usually in a position to have something that momentous happen to us personally?

I bet that's a big ole nope right there.

This is the OP's lived experience, and it's an experience that I share. And I know a lot of other people do as well.

And if it's not important to you, you know there's no need to do anything but collapse the topic.


Jespah, I am an 85 year old male...and I am called "Hon" by bank tellers, sales people, check out clerks...and who knows whatall. OFTEN! It is not just women who experience this.

YEAH...women get **** on all the time...and "do you take shorthand" or "how fast do you type" kinds of bullshit (back in the day) were crap then...and their current day counterparts are crap now.

I detest that kind of nonsense...and if that had been the topic, I would have answered differently.

We've met...and I've interacted with you in cyber space.

If this were happening to you...YOU WOULD NOT BE WRITING TO AN INTERNET FORUM FOR HELP IN WHAT TO DO. You would have handled it the way I would have handled it...in an unambiguous, and efficient way. The problem would have ended/

The poster is as much at fault that this is happening as is the person doing the "honey." A person of substances does not ask how to handle a situation like this...the person HANDLES IT.

That essentially is my point.

Now let me do that with you: The "And if it's not important to you, you know there's no need to do anything but collapse the topic" comment is bullshit...and beneath you.

As far as I am concerned, my comment give this person better advice than any other I see offered.
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Fri 8 Oct, 2021 02:43 pm
@Frank Apisa,
It's one thing to have a teller at the coffee shop say this, it is another to have a coworker say it and another still to put it in written communication. I wouldn't allow it from a coworker directed at me, I would definitely call it out if directed to a subordinate. It's unprofessional and should be addressed promptly rather for the benefit of both employees. Allowing an employee to go around being unprofessional is not doing her any favors.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Fri 8 Oct, 2021 03:26 pm
@Frank Apisa,
My apologies for my last line. You're right; it was uncalled for.
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Oct, 2021 04:06 am
@engineer,
engineer wrote:

It's one thing to have a teller at the coffee shop say this, it is another to have a coworker say it and another still to put it in written communication. I wouldn't allow it from a coworker directed at me, I would definitely call it out if directed to a subordinate. It's unprofessional and should be addressed promptly rather for the benefit of both employees. Allowing an employee to go around being unprofessional is not doing her any favors.


Then she should address it...not write to a forum clutching her pearls and asking, "What should I do."
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Oct, 2021 04:11 am
@jespah,
jespah wrote:

My apologies for my last line. You're right; it was uncalled for.


Thank you, Jespah.

I guess most people feel I've been out-of-line myself here. There was just something about the issue that felt wrong to me. I hear the right constantly complaining about the "wokeness" of my side of most issues...and too much of this kind of thing helps them. This issue just sounded a bit too unnecessarily "woke" to me...and I cannot get away from that feeling.

I'll put more thought into it.

0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Oct, 2021 04:17 am
@Frank Apisa,
Barry is a he.

Most of his posts are about how he thinks his wife is disgusting, he just likes complaining about, especially his wife who he hates with a passion.
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Oct, 2021 04:26 am
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:

Barry is a he.

Most of his posts are about how he thinks his wife is disgusting, he just likes complaining about, especially his wife who he hates with a passion.


I wondered about the "Barry"...but the comments were written in first person format.
0 Replies
 
Mame
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Oct, 2021 11:50 am
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:

Barry is a he.

Most of his posts are about how he thinks his wife is disgusting, he just likes complaining about, especially his wife who he hates with a passion.


I strongly disagree with the word 'disgusting'. I would say more accurately it's 'uncompromising' or 'unreasonable'. He's never once mentioned bad behaviour or terrible housekeeping or bad personal hygiene or racist remarks, all of which to me connote disgusting.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Oct, 2021 03:17 pm
@Frank Apisa,
Frank Apisa wrote:

Then she should address it...not write to a forum clutching her pearls and asking, "What should I do."

That's pretty much what everyone advised.
0 Replies
 
 

 
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