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Had an affair with married woman. She divorced him and then crawled back after tons of abuse.

 
 
Reply Tue 20 Jul, 2021 01:05 pm
Hi,

I have an interesting scenario that has play snout over the past 4-5 years and I really wanted to get some honest feedback. Yes please stray away from the “you’re a horrible person comments” or stuff like that. I’m more curious to understand the current mental state of the woman I was with and the true why behind what has happened.

So to set the story, her and I became good friends and over the course of about 6 months we began taking our friendship more intimate. Keep in mind when she hung out for the first time with me she told me she wanted out of her marriage as it has been miserable for years. Said “it’s basically like living with a buddy of mine who I’m comfortable doing social things with and having sex with”. So we have the affair and 1.5 years in to it he finds out as well as many people in a mutual social group we all have. Of course now is when he begins to out her publicly on Facebook, then her friends and family against her and worst of all drag their two daughters in the middle of it.

This went on for another 1.5 years with her promising she was gonna leave him when she could and her and I would move in together and start our life. Lots of drama and pressure from him, friends, etc. had her back and forth 3-4 times. Finally last August she had divorce papers served and signed. He moved out and they were now officially divorced. This is when **** got real interesting…

She begins to date me publicly although everyone already knew what was gonna happen, I began to speak more time around the house, her kids, etc. and that was all going fine. Of course though I will say this without trying to sound too biased, but he tripled down on his level of emotional abuse. Calling her a worthless bitch of a mom, a cheating ****, etc. mainly via messages daily. I know this because i saw them come in as I was with her and watched it break her down in to tears. She kept asking me when he would stop and said stuff like “he doesn’t realize what he’s doing to our kids”. I however knew this was coming and called it out years before. I know he’s a very manipulative abusive human. Anyways after months of this and me basically living with her and the girls half of the time, she eventually caved, ended things with us and now a couple months after that he is living with them again. She’s told me she’s going to focus on giving her best self to her family right now. I accept although this is obviously painful as hell as I’m fully in love with the woman.

So since then I saw him go on Facebook right away to boast about how they were back together, posting how he feels like he’s such a changed man and partner through all of this and how he’s so in love with this woman. Since he left out the facts of the abuse, I happily hopped on there and called him out in great detail about what he did and added how much of a coward he is. Yes immature maybe, but I had to tell the truth. People just want them to work so bad that they simply don’t seem to care how it’s “worked out”. But of course I’m the one hurt and I accept that’s the risk I took. So… on to the questions…

1. Why after all that and her going back is she still willing to keep contact with me? My assumption is because she’s only doing that for the kids and to make the abuse stop, but I understand I’m heavily biased.

2. He saw her texting me recently, pinned her up against the wall and took her phone to read our messages. So again why if she knows the consequences would she return contact. She tells me she’s madly in love and this is super difficult on her to do what she’s doing, but like why do this?

3. I’m having trouble moving on to a new partner. I’ve tried dates and they are fun, but ultimately they are not who I want to be with. I’m in love with another woman and I have to call it off if they are looking for a serious thing because I know I can’t give it to them. So any advice on this as well would be nice.
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Mame
 
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Reply Tue 20 Jul, 2021 02:04 pm
@Midwestotherguy,
Midwestotherguy wrote:

3. I’m having trouble moving on to a new partner. I’ve tried dates and they are fun, but ultimately they are not who I want to be with. I’m in love with another woman and I have to call it off if they are looking for a serious thing because I know I can’t give it to them. So any advice on this as well would be nice.


This reminds me of someone I know who was madly in love with X who was married and lived in the US. We are in Canada. They carried on an affair for several years and she was 'madly in love' with him. He wouldn't leave his wife or religion so she went on dating sites and found weirdo after weirdo. She met another guy who was leaving his wife. They had an affair but he was somewhat abusive, too. She was 'madly in love' with him until she noticed he was moving furniture out of their house. A few more weirdos and now she's married to a guy who had separated and finally got divorced from his wife.

The similarity here is you're in love with someone in a relationship and think you're 'madly in love'. But you know, maybe you're not. I think you're just stuck in a loop. Move on. Change the channel. Find someone who is free and doesn't take abuse.
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PUNKEY
 
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Reply Tue 20 Jul, 2021 06:04 pm
@Midwestotherguy,
She wants her cake and eat it, too.

You, my friend, are just the frosting!
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