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How to get over it and move on

 
 
Reply Sat 17 Jul, 2021 06:46 pm
Hello. I am 28yo and I need some advice: 2 years ago, my then fiancee has broken up our 4.5 years relationship, via a text on facebook, then he has cut off any means to communicate.
We were colleagues in Uni, became best friends almost instantly and later on we started a relationship. We have been together for better and mostly for worse for about 8 years before the breakup. We shared a great friendship, a strong love, a good connection until, all of a sudden, he has changed...We had plans to get married after getting our Masters diploma, we wanted to move together in Ireland and to eventually start a family and live happily ever after..We have discussed about all this many times, even started to look for wedding clothes and venues. I should mention that he is Pakistani, in the Muslim fate and I am Romanian, raised in a Christian family. We were colleagues in Romania, at the Engineering University. We are different in many ways, we grew up in very different households but we found ways to embrace these differences and things were actually very good between us. We actually lived together for 1 year, in the dormitories offered by the University.
Right after I had finished my Bachelors, I had to get hired. All I could find quickly were minimum wage jobs with very long hours of work...We did not have a lot of money, he would receive some money from his parents (he graduated one year later than me) and my parents would not help me at all since they did not approve of this relation. All our parents did not approve actually, even if we were 22-23yo. Our parents would always make racist stereotypes, insult us all the time, mostly me (my dad would call me names and let his anger flood on me and his mother would call me very bad names in front of my fiancee and behind my back) .
After I had finished my Bachelors, my fiancee wanted to enroll into Masters in Ireland. He had his parents support, but his visa got denied. Plan B was to move with his parents in France and then try to enroll again in Ireland. There was a big time management issue, no time to redo the paperwork, so him living with his parents was kinda the only solution. In the meantime, I continued working in Romania, saving up money so I could move also one day. He promised me than in 1, max 2 years we could do what we wanted to do together and I trusted him.
As soon as he left, things were ok for about 1-2 weeks, then all of a sudden we started arguing, and I could feel him when he would lie to me in my face...He would become secretive, more and more with time but also he would be jealous over me. His friends here in Romania would lie to him that I was out on dates with other men, and he would believe his friends over me. With little money, I got a plane ticket to France, so we could talk face to face about what was going on, He said he would call the police if he ever saw me near his parents house...He said, during arguments, that his parents do not want us to get married, and there are discussions behind my back. When he would calm down, he would text me that he does love me and he will solve the situation and told me many times to trust him. All these arguments + stress from work and my own life, made me to fall ill. At 26 yo, the doctors told me I cannot carry a pregnancy, I would never be able to have children until and unless I solve the problems.
I told him about these issues, he stopped talking to me for 4 months, then he broke up with me. When I needed him the most...I had only him, no friends, no family and he completely turned his back on me. I have been alone ever since, trying to focus on work and myself.
About 1 year ago, out of the blue, he texted me asking if I needed money in the pandemic. He called me "Angel" as he would always do when we were together and he talked to me so nicely, as if nothing had happened. He said to just give a number and he would transfer money right away. I was angry with him, so I told him no.
Last week I found out he is engaged to another woman...a Pakistani girl, that works in the same building as his father, which makes me believe it is an arranged marriage. My gut is telling me that the discussions behind my back were on the topic of arranged marriage, so it makes sense...Many times he had told me, if he won't marry me, there will be no other woman for him. This news devastated me more that it should...
Despite of all the bad things that he has done, I do love him and I just don t know what to do to kill this love. I always hoped, despite him pushing me away, we would somehow solve these issues and get back together, stronger than ever. I don t know how to let him go, after so many years , after he became my everything. I don t know how to get over the anger and frustration. I have build up so much frustration, since I don't know what I did wrong to deserve this, why did he act like this as soon as he left the country.
I tried dating, but I see my ex in any other guy...I tried working on myself, but I fall back into depression quite quickly. How do I get over the betray and move on with my life, as he obviously did?
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jespah
 
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Reply Sun 18 Jul, 2021 02:38 pm
@CristinaG,
Counseling.

It exists for exactly this kind of scenario. Talk to an impartial professional about how you're feeling, and explore how you can move past it.
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PUNKEY
 
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Reply Mon 19 Jul, 2021 12:07 pm
@CristinaG,
Re- read your own post.

This relationship was an uphill battle you didn’t want to acknowledge right from the start.

Then reality set in and he moved into a position, exactly where he knew he belonged.

He didn’t work to make you two happen.

Block his texts and resolve to move on.

Yes, counseling will help.



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