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Mon 30 Nov, 2020 12:13 pm
I haven't seen my bf for several weeks since he has had COVID. He has fully recovered and now wants to see me this weekend. I've had several upsetting events in my life this past few weeks besides his illness that has nothing to do with him. However, it's made me reexamine my relationship with him. While he is very loving to me and has many qualities which should make us compatible (education, finances, background, etc.), he has a personality "issue" I've noted during the time we've been dating (almost 15 months). Specifically, he has a tendency to try to control many of our decisions including anything from products to buy for the house (he sometimes buys for me), the food we cook, how we eat, music we listen to, how I get my hair done, etc. While I express my opinion when I need to (including telling him his way of cooking something is not the only "right" way), it's like I feel like I don't have the energy anymore possibly. I still care for him a great deal but I'm sort of tired of his dictating his terms and opinions on many matters especially when I don't ask for them - it's like he just can't let things go with the flow. In fact, he has actually offended me on occasion saying I need to work out, my late husband "abandoned me" by dying of lung cancer b/c he smoked, etc. I was brought to tears on the comment about my late husband - he always apologizes but really who can deal with this? He offended one of family members and even though I asked him to apologize, he never really did - he only apologized to me.
One time several months ago, when we went out to dinner with my son, he was telling me to eat a certain thing on my plate (and not move the food around but eat it) and he practically put his hand in my plate. My son, who normally doesn't say anything, told me he thought that was very offensive (to me) and asked if I minded him doing it. I'm feeling ambivalent about seeing him/making a future. FYI: we are almost "senior" citizens, so time is limited and I don't want to waste either of our times. Has anyone experienced this type of apathy and if so, what helped you get through it?
@Feelguilt321,
You might be almost a "senior citizen" but your bf acts like a "junior citizen". When I started reading your words I just assumed he was in his early twenties; that sort of controlling behavior signals immaturity (and some underlying insecurity) to me. Younger guys sometimes grow out of this but if he's made it this far without changing I rather doubt things will improve without a lot of work, maybe even counseling. I don't have any specific advice as to how to approach this with him. Maybe you can call a "time out" as you process some of the other upsetting events in your life. Feeling guilty about harboring thoughts of leaving is probably less destructive than settling for a relationship where you're treated as a child.
@Feelguilt321,
I am not going to judge your boyfriend based on only one side of the story.
Based on the feelings you express, it doesn't sound like the relationship is working for you. If it were me, I would end it. You didn't really talk about his good points, I don't know if there are reasons you would want to make the effort to save the relationship.
At some point you have to fish or cut bait. If you end the relationship, my advice is to not play the blame game. Simply say it isn't working for you and that you wish him well.
@Feelguilt321,
This tells me everything: Specifically, he has a tendency to try to control many of our decisions including anything from products to buy for the house (he sometimes buys for me), the food we cook, how we eat, music we listen to, how I get my hair done, etc. While I express my opinion when I need to (including telling him his way of cooking something is not the only "right" way), it's like I feel like I don't have the energy anymore possibly"
If you are feeling drained now, it will only get worse. You can be more lonely living with someone you can't please, than by living alone. He might be perfect for someone else, not so much for you.
@Feelguilt321,
I wish you the best with your decision. The future, with him as a partner, looks grim.
I think you’ve posted enough of the issues that are red flags about his controlling personality. You are not someone who has no experience in life. This controlling behavior may have some dire consequences.
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