My 13 year old daughter and an online pedophile/predator.

Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2020 03:07 pm

Hi, Two days ago, I and my husband’s lives has changed for the worse. I have been noticing some changes in my daughter’s behavior; she was trying to act real grown and kept testing me with her disrespectfulness. My husband just stood by not caring about it. Two days ago from a distance, I saw her working on a 2nd computer window which was not her online school modules, so I rushed there to see and found nothing, so I doubted what I saw. I checked the history and nothing out of the norm was there. I told my husband about this, but he didn’t believe me or even cared. The next day she was sitting next to me with her computer while I was tutoring her, then something popped up that looked like a small type of messenger with a conversation going on. I made a comment and she said it was just the computer messing up, but I insisted in reading it and saw that she was talking to a stranger. She started crying and said that he was her boyfriend and that she loved him. I felt a feeling of current and fear going threw me. The more I read, the more I became devastated and scared. She said he was 24 years old and he loved her and that they have been communication for a year now. This man was demanding and using words like disobeying him, f....kg this, f....k...g that, and she better be there next time, etc. etc. She answered saying things like, I’m sorry, I won’t disobey you again, etc. etc. Then she told him how she hated me and didn’t like her parents ....etc. Then she started talking dirty to him and that discussed me. She told me she they loved each other and that he lives in Greece. She also said she posed nude for him and M..........ed too more than once because he asked her to do that. I called the police and made a formal complaint, the police spoke with her and she told him that they were planning on her meeting him at the airport. My daughter just turned 13 last month. I’m still feeling very sick about all this. I caught her in the middle of the night in the computer room trying to contact him, but I had already changed the passwords, took the phones out and took even the tv stick out. She said she wanted to say goodbye to him. We sat her down and explained that the man was a predator/pedophile and it was a crime for a man to do this with a child. She and I did some online research to prove to her that he was a predator and we found out that there were a number of steps that pedophile take and what was scary was that she was already on the 5th step, the next one was taking her out of the home and not to be found or seen again. Everything she and I read, matched exactly what the man said to her. She knows now that he was a predator although she, being a child, is still confused about her feelings and what happened. I’m angry at her because many times I have explained to her the danger of talking to strangers especially online and about predators and pedophiles and we watched movies on this too, so she knew better. It was a blessing for the small messenger to pop up (Hangout) because I truly believe that in a week or so, she wouldn’t have been with us. I tried to understand why would she do this, so I come to the conclusion that since my husband never spends time with her, no father and daughter breakfast or anything, and he always acts like she bothers him and sometimes not like her, she might have been replacing her father for this older man who said nice things to her in the beginning then turned into this dominating person. Through our research, this is called grooming the victim. Although my daughter understands now what the man was doing, I still don’t trust her. Every night, I take the computer keyboards and the phones to my room. She is not allowed any electronics. I constantly watch our cameras to see anything suspicious and can’t sleep thinking that my daughter is going to sneek out of the house when we all go to sleep. I feel like I’m living in a twight light zone. My husband believes anything she says to him, and goes to bed at 9:00pm and sleeps like a baby. I feel so angry at the two of them, her for what she did and him for treating this like it’s a small matter. She made two videos for this man and they are probably circulating right now. I think things are going to get worse and I’m putting her in therapy and considering putting myself in one too. Thanks for reading.
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Reply Tue 17 Nov, 2020 03:42 pm

First of all, I am SO sorry this is happening. How awful. FYI I am not a doctor.

I think therapy, for her and you, is an excellent idea. It might be a good idea for your husband, too. Maybe hearing from an impartial authority just what a bullet you all dodged will finally get it through to him.

If he won't go to therapy, then it might work to go to the local police station (observe Covid protocols, of course) to have them tell him how things could have turned out.

Because even under the absolute best of circumstances (and you and I know they were far, far from the absolute best circumstances here), she would have been a child taken advantage of by an adult who for God's sake should have known better. And, truly, that should be enough for your husband to understand that this was a terrible situation and it could have gone very south, and it already was, let's face it.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you what the worst case scenario is, of course.

As for why your daughter did this, I trust a therapist will be able to give some insights and perhaps elicit an admission. But it could potentially have been what happens with a lot of victims, that they are told they're beautiful and mature -- things that either no one tells them or perhaps not enough people tell them. Or they don't believe it when others say it.

Being told by mom and dad that they look pretty may mean less (and they may even expect it in some fashion or at least feel like their parents are obligated to say it) than hearing it from a stranger who they have been led to believe didn't have to say it. And, therefore (to the victim's mind), it felt genuine.

And of course the predator is manipulative -- and a 13 year old child wouldn't even realize they were being used. No wonder your daughter is confused.

You're clearly a loving, attentive parent. I hope the rest of her teen years are considerably less eventful.
Reply Wed 18 Nov, 2020 03:09 pm
Thank you very much for being so kind. My home is a mess now, and things are very different between the three of us and although we had to make some uncomfortable changes, we are trying to work through it all. Hopefully, a therapist can help us.
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