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what to do with emotionally unstable friend?

 
 
sanma
 
Reply Fri 7 Aug, 2020 12:56 pm
hi, so ive been friends with this girl for few years now and our friendship was mostly online based, we never fought and had good time online however every time we met alone I felt uncomfortable with her. The meetings would always be boring and most of the time I felt like im just a second option and she doesn't have better things to do so that's why she met with me. ofc id tell myself that im just imaging those stuff and that is not true so I'd just ignore my feelings and put everything into making our meeting more fun and interesting.

We were always supportive of eo (it was always online) but there were times when id meet with her and her friends and she would forget about me for 1-2h (talking about the things only the two of them knew so I couldn't even join to the convo).

She slowly started isolating herself from me (in the recent months) but since I was going through hard times I didn't really mind it because I was in too bad state to even talk to anyone else than my sister. *we still would text eo everyday but we would reply less often*

Eventually I told her what was happening in my life and ofc she was very supportive and understanding and that was until she wrote me text message 3 weeks later saying she's gonna distance from me, she also accused me of "replying only when im bored" and "having my other friends over her" and at that time I had a really bad day so I took all the blame on me and assured her I still care for her and that never changed etc

the next day we met and she wouldn't even look at me, she would complain, talk only about herself, barely react to what I was saying and again talk about her life

I felt sooo exhausted after the meeting and then I noticed she's been replying to me with one word and I know she does that when she's angry at someone and doesn't want to be friends with them anymore. So this made me wonder and I checked her message again (the one about my late replying to her) and it just hit me what she wrote to me. she knew I was going through hard times yet she accused me of baseless things and said she's gonna isolate herself from me.

I got angry so I recorded her voice message, nothing too harsh just setting my boundaries because I felt like she crossed them too much and her reaction was just... she cried, she tried to shift the blame on me, she accused me of more awful things that never happened, then she texted me like nothing happened the next day then she came at me more and it felt like she was throwing all her messy emotions at me and telling me all the f*cked up thoughts about me... that I just told her I don't want to talk to her at the moment because she's crossing my limits.

i was ready to cut her off completely but then she send me a long a*s apology of how she's sorry and how she understand what she did etc

and im just here all confused because after the whole thing I have this bad aftertaste about her and since our friendship was always more online I never got the chance to see her how she acts when she's angry. I just don't know what to do... I haven't reply to her apology yet because I don't know if I should accept them? She overreacted so much because I gave her criticism about her behavior, I read my messages they weren't bad or mean and she was reacting as if `I cheated with her boyfriend...

should I continue this friendship or cut her off completely?? I don't even know how I feel about her apology... I lost so many friends like this (when I stopped being available for them 24/7 they'd guilt trip me or do other crazy things that would left me crying/tired) so im scared to loose another one but Im also scared that I will go through that kind of thing again...
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Teufel
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Aug, 2020 05:43 pm
@sanma,

What always concerns me about these types of posts is one side is seen and there are always two sides to every story.

It is slightly concerning when you say at the end you have lost so many friends like this .... You say it is because you refuse to be there 24/7 .... Which means you are either attracting every 'emotionally unstable' person you can find, or there is something about you. In my view you are the common denominator ... with all that implies.

People these days seem to use terms very strangely .... This person you write of sounds like a passing acquaintance, not a friend.

Personally, I'd advise you become more circumspect about whom you mix with and those who you call 'friend'.

sanma
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 Aug, 2020 11:45 pm
@Teufel,
Yes, I have this thing that when I befriend someone and Im at the point when I trust them I give my all to this friendship without checking if we're on the same page.

The girl I'm talking about was definitely a friend, we shared struggles together, we traveled together, we spent new year's eve together, we knew about eo's problems and we worked together. Our daily interactions were mostly through text messages but we still did things together.

I have lost many not all friends like this and I can tell that I'm definitely attracting them since I have high tolerance for people crossing my boundaries. It's something I work on.

I thought this friendship was sth positive and good until she stole my work and when I called her out she said she wont do it again but never apologized, the other time she would cut herself off because I gave her advice on how to do sth and after few days she told me she just assumed that I thought of her as a burden which was just out of nowhere. Even the recent fight was basically about me telling her not to assume things about me when there's no proof in reality and her saying she understands just to assume even worse things about me 5 seconds later.

Honestly I gave it a thought last night and I decided I'll be slowly taking step back from her and I'll definitely be more careful in the future.
katie3699
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Jun, 2021 10:52 pm
@sanma,
I'm on the other side of this post. **Please note that this doesn't refer to you sanma..but to an old friend of mine I had for almost 30 years.."

I'd been friends with this gf for the better part of 30 years. Many good times together..however she was a bit on the "crazy jealous" side, and would "go off" in jealous rages" often re guys she was dating. Back then I had much more patience for it and would just roll my eyes.

She moved out of town for several years and we'd communicate by phone. Long phone calls kept us in touch and we were there for each other.

She moved back to town years later and that's when I started questioning our friendship, as she did many things I didn't agree with. This included massive shopping for clothes; wearing them..and returning them. Spoke to her about it and she told me it was "her right" as that was the store policy.

Running her bank account down to as little as .30 cents (that's no typo!!) and then would go shopping over the weekend; knowing the bank would only charger her a $35 overdraft while she would spend hundreds. She seriously had it down to a science!! Oftentimes before she'd meet me, she take a bunch of clothes back in order to have enough money to have a "Girl's Day Out". Sometimes they didn't take her returns..so as a backup..she'd bring a HUGE bag of change and pay for things that way!! Imagine one standing there counting out quarters, dimes and nickels to pay for something!!

Embarrassing as heck!!

She'd go to Goodwill/Pier 1 (a fancy store) and buy some nice dishes for her holiday get-togethers; steam the price tags off somehow (while saving them in a drawer), wash the dishes afterwards, put the price tags back on..and return them.

We'd go out the eat and she always had something to complain about re the meal. Only person I know that knew how to get "free french fries", as she'd complain when she got them, saying she didn't order them..or she'd complain that she didn't get them..saying she ordered them. Always got them free!! One time she ordered lobster at a seafood restaurant we visited..cowed it down; and when the bill came, she argued with the waitress that she'd ordered "Imitation Lobster" (which wasn't even on the menu..) for over 20 minutes!! Finally wrote the check and said she'd be calling Management as that's NOT what she ordered and was overcharged!!

How embarrassing for the parties sitting with her!!

Stupid me decided to ask her to stand up in our wedding. Huge mistake!! Our photographer was also a hair stylist..along with a makeup artist. Told my friend that she'd have to get her hair/makeup done BEFORE the wedding..or do it herself. Soon as our photographer's make up kit came out..this so called friend of mine had no issues asking her to do her makeup; while my Maid of Honor told her no..that this was MY day..and to be a little considerate. Didn't stop this individual and our photographer/good friend, being too nice a person; gave up TWO HOURS of photo ops I wanted done; instead doing this stupid girls makeup!!

Aside from having her makeup done...the returning of clothes, wanting discounts/things for free in restaurants continued. Got to the point that I no longer wanted to hang out with her anymore as she was truely embarrassing, as the list goes on and on!!

I've started isolating myself from her because she's just become too embarrassing re the things she does. She has no filter and would lecture me re my love of "iceburg lettuce"...telling me there was absolutely no nutritional value in it, as it was ALL water. She lectured me re drinking diet soda (and how bad it was for me!!)...and when the waitress would ask her what kind of soda she wanted, she'd say, "Pepsi..only Pepsi..I don't drink that diet crap...soo bad for you!!" Waitress would bring out regular Pepsi...she'd take a taste and say, "This is Diet Pepsi.." so the waitress would bring out another Pepsi. "Nope!! Must be something wrong...this again is Diet Pepsi..I can TASTE the difference!!" and thus she'd get her soda for free!!
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katie3699
 
  1  
Reply Sun 13 Jun, 2021 11:11 pm
@sanma,
Like you, I tend to give my all to friendships. Stinks when they crap on you..as it hurts like heck. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself..and yeah..it makes you much for careful in the future re who you choose as friends....I'm with you there 100%!!
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