Reply
Thu 28 May, 2020 06:48 am
I’m a woman in my 30s and I have been in a heterosexual casual relationship for 2 years now. We are really good friends, it suits our lifestyles and there is zero possibility of either of us wanting anything more. We are also exclusive and so we don’t use a condom (no judgement please). I’m not on contraception so we practice the pull-out method. We are very cautious and religious about it. That has always been our arrangement.
Until the other day during sex when he ejaculated inside me. It was a day before my period was due. I was in shock when it happened. He said it was fine and pulled out his phone to show me the science behind low risk pregnancy before menstruation. My first thought was oh no, we’ve made a mistake. Then followed by oh ok, its fine if science says so. It wasn’t until later, after the shock wore off, that I started to feel upset, disappointed and angry. I thought hang on, he just broke our arrangement. He didn’t ask me for permission, didn’t discuss it, and if he had asked, I would have said no. I was in tears because I felt like he took away my control, he broke my trust and in a way it was a violation.
He has apologised repeatedly. Said that he did it because it felt right at the time but understands that what he did was wrong. Said he would give anything to take it back and understands if I don’t want to see him again. And I don’t doubt his sincerity. In the grand scheme of things, he is one of my best friends socially and he is a good guy, has treated me with respect, is sensitive and considerate towards my needs, and we have always been 100% honest when it comes to sex, to the point where we are extremely comfortable together. That’s why this has hit so hard, because I can’t believe it happened at all. I told him that I need some time to deal with this and that’s where things are right now.
I’d like to know some of your thoughts about the situation, given the context I’ve mentioned. Did I over-react? Did I under-react? Is this a serious issue or no big deal? Is this something that should be forgiven and worked through or is it a dealbreaker?
@Anon2020,
In my opinion you are being unrealistic. You are having unprotected sex with no birth control.
On one side he broke your agreement. You have the right to be angry. It is not clear about whether this was intentional, or a bad decision on the spur of the passionate moment, or completely accidental. I am not sure it matters.
On the other side, this arrangement seems like it is set up to fail. I wouldn't find this to be a reasonable agreement over the long term.
Do you know what they call people who use "pulling out" as their primary form of birth control....?
.... They are called "parents".
@maxdancona,
Agreed. The withdrawal method is a lousy idea unless you really want to become pregnant.
There are a lot of choices for birth control these days. And before you complain that they're expensive, they are
all cheaper than having a kid.
@Anon2020,
As far as the decision you have to make about the relationship...
I don't think either decision you could make is right or wrong. You have the right to be angry and end the relationship. You also have the right to decide that the relationship is worth keeping. Either way is your choice. Just be clear about it (long drawn out endings cause unnecessary pain for everyone involved).
If you choose to keep the relationship, I would strongly suggest a new arrangement. You both should be honest about what you really want. You should be honest with each other, and honest with yourselves.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace