I'm 30 and confused

Reply Tue 17 Mar, 2020 12:36 am
I've been married almost 11 years, I am a woman with 4 children and am monogamously married. I don't think I am sexually attracted to anybody. I have a libido, but I've never been turned on in the moment by a live person. I've been in love once I think, to a girl in highschool, but not attracted even then. My husband is someone I'm committed to, loyal to and trust, even though most of the time I don't like him, and I never really want sex. He's my friend, co-parent, and partner. I've only recently been in a place to talk to women in a peer group, and their relationships sound different than mine. I've never felt passionate with anyone, but I can have a fantasy or a mindset I get into and get off on. But having anyone in the room with me is icky, skin crawling, distracting, and Very much a turn off. I've known that that is not normal for years, but realizing that my problem might be just me in general... I don't know, I don't want to hurt or offend anybody, I just want to understand my own sexuality and identity in a way I can now that I'm not under my parents overbearing thumb and I've permanently shunned the local church. I'm hurting, confused, and desperate to know how and why I feel like maybe what I still feel for my friend-girl from highschool is love, since it comes with that bodywarming flush and butterfly stuttery feeling with a desperate sadness when thinking of life without her, but my husband is someone I would miss desperately but can imagine life without, and my children are the only people alive I feel fiercely, deeply, and overwhelming passion for, for all aspects of their lives. I love Kristen, or at least feel maybe sexual desire, at the very least want the comfort and softness of her personality, understanding and gentle wisdom, and blunderingly endearing social skills, her softness and curves and kisses are something I crave and why it hurt so badly when she married. My husband is my confidant and life partner, but I have sex as a means of connection, not because I feel any sort of flush or warmth or physical response? Please forgi e me if I'm not asking anything clearly enough, but I'm a little buzzed and it's all falling out a d I just feel like I want something out of reach. Even if it's just understanding my own self. Please be gentle with me.
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Reply Tue 17 Mar, 2020 01:49 pm
Age 30, married 11 years, with 4 kids?

You have not had any time for yourself, except now, to process a lot of things.

Find a good female therapist to help you explore what’s going on.
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