Teaching Children that its ok to break a Promise

Do you ever break promises yourself?

Yes, I basically said that I did in the first post when I said I made that mistake once...

Oh.... your first post is ambiguous. It wasn't clear whether the mistake referred to breaking a promise or to teaching children that it's ok.

Life is complicated. Sometimes breaking a promise is the best out of a selection of difficult choices. Sometimes breaking a promise is the only moral thing to do.

I teach my children that life is complicated. Why would I hide that from them?

A promise is a Promise if you break it then you are the one that has to live with it...

I think in part you need to take into consideration the child's age. You make this sort of lesson "age appropriate". A very young child will have a harder time understanding "its complicated" but if you as an adult make a mistake and break a promise - instead of saying its complicated and get into details explaining why it is complicated - you simplify it.

You explain you always keep a promise unless it is a promise where someone or something can get hurt. You can provide an example. Johnny asks you to promise not tell anyone he is hits stray cats, or Johnny asks you to promise not to tell anyone he is cutting himself - those are examples where someone or something can get hurt so you need to tell a trusted adult. (of course give examples that you think your child is likely to understand).

Now on the other hand - if you as an adult then break a promise - you simply apologize and say I should not have done that - adults make mistakes same as children can. That is an even bigger teaching moment to me - that shows that you own up to an error, admit it and apologize. Now if it is an important reason why you broke the promise - say you promised your child you would take them out for ice cream after school, but you had an emergency at work that needed your immediate attention. Again fess up be honest but age appropriate...apologize and acknowledge what happened then explain why that it unfortunately needed more immediate attention and give basic details depending on the age and then how you would make up for it...ie I can bring you after dinner instead.

As a child gets older - you can get into more specifics of ok to break a promise - and discuss more complications.

The recent effectiveness of the Law through data mining and surveillance is replacing Honor which was ancient law...sad!

I imagine you and I have very different parenting styles.. and I am sure that your child/children came out as well as mine did. I have raised three kids who are now decent, happy human beings between the ages of 15 and 31.

Kids encounter the complexity of life pretty early. At the age of three kids learn to lie. At the age of 5 they have figured out that sometimes they have to lie to protect themselves or others. By the age of 9 they reach what Kohlberg called "conventional morality", where they know their parents are sometimes full of **** (my phrasing not Kohlberg's but that his idea) and are able to negotiate the often difficult line between right and wrong on their own.

I agree with you about being an example. This includes being honest... and letting kids see your own moral stumblings. Kids have to learn to live in an imperfect world. We protect them to a certain extent, but I didn't shield my kids from reality. If you shield kids from living life, they lose the ability to grow as human beings.

I don't think I ever gave my children moral absolutes (at least I hope not). Rather, I discussed issues with them and encouraged them to figure things out on their own. When my kids were nine, they were fully capable of disagreeing with me on moral issues. I was happy about this.

My kids are all great, but they have taken different paths. My eldest is perhaps the best person in the family. He directs a non-profit. My second son recently got back from serving in the Army in Afghanistan and is now in Police Academy (i.e. the educational institution to join law enforcement rather than the awful movie franchise). He is much more focused on honor and duty. My youngest (currently in high school) is far more politically liberal than I and is very involved in social justice issues.

I couldn't be more happy with any of them. Kids have to live in a complicated world, they are capable of figuring it out.

...perhaps I should have explained that I was not talking about court judges or layers but about who has the power and makes the de facto LAW...oh well, wasted!

What many people do not seem to realize is teaching kids that it is ok to break a promise is like a double edge sword you just never know when to going to come back and bite you in the ass...

I am not sure how to read this...

Is the sword going to bite me in the ass... or is it the kids who will do the biting?

In simple turns you may be opening up the door and inviting un for seen trouble