My boyfriends sexual interests make me feel unwanted. What to do?

Thu 9 Jan, 2020 10:03 pm
So we are in the middle of buying a house together and in November he proposed. He tells me he is in love with me and he is so wonderful.. BUT. He won't stop masturbating over porn at every opportunity he gets, especially at work. He also masturbates over his exes, his best friend (female) and other friends of oura. - I find their pics in among porn and he now openly moans about it as a kink during sex. When we have sex he loses his erection / can't keep erect even with viagra. He claims its from the anti depression meds he took nearly 4 years ago now. Now when we have sex he gets me to dress up as someone else, role play as someone else, talk dirty about his friends, watch porn or generally he never initiates sex with me.. While snuggling in bed he will excuse himself to go toilet so he look at porn and masturbate. He admits he has a problem but won't get help. We tried to quit porn and everything and it just turned into him lying to me (eaislty) and downloading hidden photo apps, vpn, deleting his history etc. (but when I sign into his Porn accounts he's paying for videos on manyvids and got daily activity on spankbang etc). I tried talking to him he just tries to hide it better and lies more. Now I told him I don't care he can do what he wants and we just never have sex any more unless I'm rollplayinf as someone else or we are watching porn. It's so sexually stressful to me. But outside of porn / sex our relationship is 100% amazing. I don't know what to do any more.... I tried being sexual with him when he's at work and it starts off well and then he will say he needs to.. And he will go off to the toilets and masturbate over his ex or his friend or someone at work or porn etc.. Then after he will send me a pic.. And I'm still laid here like, well OK I guess you're not interested in me getting off. I have tried everything from threats to leave, leaving, self-harming, threats to go with someone else, found information on porn addiction, made him a therapy appointment (wouldn't go) etc etc.. I'm lost. What do I do.. I don't know how to get OK with all this.. I have tried masturbating myself but just can't get off as feeling v undesired. I have an average - curvy body with massive boobs and ass and he's just not interested in that. He will openly tell me he wishes I had big boobs like X and when I've searched that porn star has smaller boobs than me!! :/ it's badly effecting my mental health.
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Thu 9 Jan, 2020 10:43 pm
Bonniejh4 wrote:
I don't know what to do any more.... self-harming... It's badly effecting my mental health.

Have you thought about getting some help?
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Thu 9 Jan, 2020 11:22 pm
There are two separate issues. You should consider them separately.

1) You should consider seeing a therapist for yourself. You have said that you are threatening "self harm" and that your mental health is suffering. It sounds like you are struggling with depression. I do not believe that your partner is to blame for mental health issues.

At worst, it would be healthy for you to just leave him. You still have to work on your own mental health.

2) The relationship is a separate issue. Either you can accept his behavior, or you can't. If you can't accept his behavior then you end the relationship.

It isn't healthy for you to confuse mental health issues with relationship issues. We all have relationship issues... and if they are bad enough we move on.

If you are suffering this much, you should end the relationship. Take some time to get yourself to a good place before starting a new relationship.
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Fri 10 Jan, 2020 03:45 am
Do not buy a house with this guy.

Do not accept a marriage proposal from this guy.

Unless he gets some deep therapy, his extreme behavior will only escalate.

That’s your future with him.

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Fri 10 Jan, 2020 08:55 am
I would second what others have said here. You really have two choices.

1. Stay in the relationship and accept that this is just the way it is likely going to be.

2. End the relationship either permanently or temporarily until he gets help.

Personally, I do not understand why you would put up with this. How long do you think he would put up with it if it were you who were more interested in masterbating rather than being intimate with him? In any case, I certainly would not buy a house or get married until this issue is resolved.
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