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Fri 27 Sep, 2019 08:34 am
My (26F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been together for 3 years, living together for about 1 year. We moved in together when we relocated across the country. When we moved, we agreed that we would try the new city for a couple of years before we moved back to our hometown.
Well, turns out that I did not like the move as much as he did. My job/company has been terrible (I've been here for a year; Long story short: sexual harassment comments made to me by my direct male supervisor, and they did nothing). I also did not try to go out and make friends (no excuse for that). Whereas my boyfriend found a great opportunity and a good company (joined a couple of sports leagues).
I have decided that I am going to move back home in 3 weeks, while he stays for an extra 2 months to help his company transition is replacement well. This will be the first time we'll be 'apart' for 2 months, as for the past year we have literally spent all day, every day together.
On to the issue: for the most part, we have a great relationship. We share the same deep, important life values, have a lot of the same interests, as well as we just get along great. There has been a few issues that popped up, such as him feeling like I act immaturely sometimes, me not being as emotionally strong, and me not growing as much/working on myself. This has come up a few times in the past year.
Things came to head a few weeks ago where we just had a serious talk about our relationship and everything. We kind of worked it out, but then this past Monday he told me that he's 'not sure' what he wants. Part of him wants to be with me and spend his life with me, but then the other part is worried that we are growing apart too much (which honestly, I think saying that after this 1 hard year is not a fair assumption. I can see how he'd feel like that if it was continuous, but this only started happening a couple of months ago).
I also told him that these 2 months apart, albeit not ideal, but it'll be good for us since for the past year, we have spent pretty much all day, every day with each other (outside of work) and that us having our own lives outside of each other will be good. It'll also show him how much I'm growing since seeing me every day makes it hard to notice any difference (it's like having a puppy and not seeing it grow every day since you are seeing it all the time, whereas someone who doesn't see the puppy often will notice the growth). He thinks that me thinking the 2 months apart is 'good for us' is 'unhealthy', but I just think he doesn't get it.
I know that there is some things that I need to work on, I have been reading articles, books, and listening to self-help podcasts.
He said that if after the 2 months apart, if things aren't 'better', then maybe we just don't talk for a month or so, so I can can 'grow' and mature without him being there to 'coach' me, but that seems like a last resort and if everything that I plan on fixing gets worked out when we are apart for the 2 months, I don't think this will be necessary.
I offered that we go to couple's therapy, as I think that seeing a third-party person to help us talk out our problems will be very beneficial. I also told him that him thinking that he could find a 'perfect partner' is unrealistic/naive since not one person is perfect, and couples are able to have some differences.
After Monday, I told him, 'maybe we should go see a couple's therapist' and BF's response was, 'if you think it will help, then make an appointment'. So we have a therapy session scheduled this weekend, and if that goes well, I'd like to go again one more time for I move back in 3 weeks.
I've tried not being emotional with him, but it's been pretty hard. Last night, I told him, "I am not giving up on us" and he told him, "if me coming with you to therapy on Sunday that I am not giving up either, then I don't know what else to tell you". But when I've been crying, he's told me that it is only hurting me if when something gets hard, I just cry. I need to be strong because that's when things 'get done'. I know he loves me, he tells me it all the time, but our relationship at the moment isn't the same because we can't just act like everything is ok, when it is not. So while we are being civil and fine with each other, it's not all lovey-dovey like it usually is.
I don't think my relationship is over, I think we can get through this 'cross road' (it's really been our only crossroad we have been through together). I think seeing the therapist will help me with being strong, independent outside of him, and my personal growth outside of the relationship. And help BF with seeing that not every relationship is perfect, you are allowed to have some differences, and these 2 months apart will be good.
Will couple's therapy help or will it be a waste?
@lala0905,
Of course therapy will help.
As for him reacting this way to you crying, he is dead wrong. Your emotional reaction does not mean you're weak by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes we cry. It happens.
@jespah,
I completely agree. But sometimes, I am a little 'over-the-top'... Like he even said this months before any of this happened. For example, if I accidentally broke a glass and he just told me, 'be careful next time', I'll cry. It's not great. It's something that I need to work on, especially since such emotions aren't good to bring to a work environment.
@lala0905,
My experience in life has taught me that happiness and the continuation of close relationships are, at their core, choices we make or don't make. There are always reasons to be glum or disappointed, and to end close relationships. The long term endurance of both is usually the results of the decision to, in effect, "go on anyway". This is true whether the "going on" involves the choice to focus on the good and bright things in ones life (as opposed to the inevitable challenges and distractions) or continuing and investing in a close relationship that involves a few issues such as those your described.
What is the relative importance to you of your relationship with your BF and the distractions you find at work? Just how difficult will be dealing with them for a couple of additional months compared to the rather uncertain path you have outlined? I believe that should guide you in your decisions, and that the choices involved for both of you must come from within.
@jespah,
jespah wrote:
Of course therapy will help.
As for him reacting this way to you crying, he is dead wrong. Your emotional reaction does not mean you're weak by any stretch of the imagination. Sometimes we cry. It happens.
Agreed on both. Some people crying helps them release that emotion - it is the way you show yourself. I know some people will show their emotion through anger and some through crying and others keep it inside. Everyone is different - and I bet if this is brought up your therapist could explain that.
@lala0905,
lala0905 wrote:
I completely agree. But sometimes, I am a little 'over-the-top'... Like he even said this months before any of this happened. For example, if I accidentally broke a glass and he just told me, 'be careful next time', I'll cry. It's not great. It's something that I need to work on, especially since such emotions aren't good to bring to a work environment.
A therapist can also help you find a way to release emotion in a more "positive" way not that crying is necessarily negative, but in some circumstances you probably do not want to cry.
And in this situation- it probably was not this one thing he said that caused you to cry - it was probably a build up and this was to say "brought the camel's back."
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