Wed 26 Jun, 2019 02:58 pm
I'm a man in a three-year relationship with a woman that I love dearly. Lately though our differences have become more and more noticeable. There are a few that are somewhat easier to navigate but the one that has been bothering me lately comes down to mismatched sex drives and porn addiction.
Before we started dating I had an issue with pornography. I would compulsively watch and masturbate to it, and it affected my ability to have sex with women. I needed too much stimulation and real life sex wasn't working. Eventually I saw a therapist who allowed me to overcome this addiction with healthy coping techniques. The next few months of my life were great, I was able to confidently date and had good sex with women for maybe the first time in my life. My attitudes towards sex and women also improved, which was something that I hadn't even realized was an issue.
Then I met my current girlfriend and things got even better, I had the emotional and romantic life that I'd always wanted (had never really had a good relationship before, or even a long-term one). When we first started dating we'd have sex probably once every week or two (sometimes more). But eventually over time we started having sex less and less, and my girlfriend stated that she just wasn't often interested in sex.
This was frustrating for me because I still have a high sex drive. When I was single I had the time and means to channel this into dating (with or without sex), or my job or creative pursuits which I have always put a lot of time into. Now that I'm dating and living together with her, I can't always just plug in my electric guitar or go off and do something when I'm horny, and if she doesn't want to have sex that leaves me with a lot of time being overly horny and not being satisfied.
Eventually this led back to me masturbating when I had some time to myself. This then led me down the path of watching porn again. At first it wasn't too bad because I'd only do it during times when I felt like she wasn't going to want to have sex, but now it's back to the point where I want to do it all the time. There've been times when I've been able to quit for a week or two, but now we're also at a point where several weeks will go by without us having sex, which leads me back to porn because I can't go that long without an orgasm, even though masturbation orgasms are not as satisfying anymore.
It's now reached a point where I have to try and guess when she's going to be horny and hope that I don't masturbate the same day or so before hand so that I have some time to readjust. I don't think I can handle going back to no porn or masturbation at all if I'm not going to have sex instead, I've tried and it's difficult. The worst part is that once or twice lately I've actually masturbated during the day when she's not around (we have different work schedules) and she then came home and wanted to have sex before bed, but I wasn't able to do so so I had to make up an excuse which she then complained about (the irony being that I never complain when she doesn't want to have sex. Can't lie, this makes me angry.)
It'd be one thing if she was willing to do non-intercourse sexual techniques instead, (mutual masturbation, or perhaps just giving me a handjob or blowjob.) But the most I can get her to do is let me masturbate with her in bed with me, which still is unsatisfying because she'll clearly be annoyed and will even make jokes and talk about other things while I'm trying to do it which makes it harder for me to finish.
My question is: How can I talk about this with my girlfriend and try to include her in my (second, secret) sex life? Are there any suggestions for alternatives to watching porn by myself when she's not around, which is putting distance between us emotionally? I know it's not really fair for me to pressure her into sex if she's not interested, but I also want my relationship to be healthy and I want sexual gratification.
How can I talk about this with my girlfriend
You sit down one evening and gently tell her that you are worried that this issue is affecting your relationship. That's it. No other way.
Then you will have to make a decision based on that conversation whether or not to stay or go. You have a right to be in a happy and satisfying relationship, as does she.