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Thu 2 May, 2019 10:48 pm
Hello there.
I am new to these forums, and really just registered to ask this question. I'm not exactly sure how to ask it, because I'm not really sure if it's an actually defined or studied topic, but I'll do my best.
I'll start by explaining why I'm asking. My fiance has for a long time had people treat her badly. Not in the sense of abuse per se, but she has always felt that people have always put other people or things before her. Her mother practically abandoned her after she went to college (forgot to pay for the classes and registration, took her off of her health insurance so she could out her then boyfriend on, among other things.) Her family seems to treat her like she's not important, when compared to other people in her family. We are planning our wedding soon, earlier than we had hoped because my fiance's grandmother wasn't given very long to live recently and she wants to be there. But when trying to plan it, for her grandmother, a lot of her family won't be flexible given our work schedules and seem to be treating it as a non event. It's not just her family, but friends too. She's had this feeling about many of the people she's become close to throughout her life, and it's starting to really wear her down. I wouldn't say it's vicious, more like they just don't seem to care that much about her feelings and what she's going through.
I have long had a notion that, the more people want you to do something, the more you don't want to do it. Or the more you want them to care, the more they don't seem to care. It's hard to explain, and I'm certainly not capable of putting it into more eloquent wording. But the basic gist is that I feel that because she wants and needs people to treat her with care or respect or what have you, the more people seem to not do any of those things. Like the more people can feel her need there the less willing they are to give her those needs. Sometimes I wish she ignore them, or at least act like she doesn't need or want them because I feel like they would be more inclined to provide those things she needs.
When I tell my fiance about my theory I get rebuffed, fairly so because it's honestly just a notion I have. I don't have anything I can point to and say "See, it's studied"
So my question, is there any type of research, or name, or theory or any other actual academic or studied research into this notion in my head? Or am I incorrect, barking up the wrong tree and delusional? I really don't know, and am just looking for any type of guidance to help point me in the right direction so I may better help my fiance get a sense of why she feels this way.
I tried searching on Google, but I can't seem to find what I am looking for, either because I don't know how to describe it or because it doesn't exist.
Thank you for your time,
cbeird.
@cbeird,
I suggest you research 'persecution complex'.
I would suggest your fiancee has lousy self esteem due to the way she's been treated by her family all her life. This has caused her to choose similarly shitty friends.
Your wedding is your wedding. You put your foot down on it. It's going to be this time, this place, RSVP if you're coming, and if not, butt out.
Once you're past the wedding (frankly, I would do this before, but it may not be an option for you), dial back everyone in the family and the friend circle, seeing them infrequently and saying hello as Facebook pals and not much more.
Cut out people who are really bad and yes, that can include Mom, who sounds like a real piece of work. Cultivate new friends.
While I think fresco is onto something vis a vis a persecution complex, there's enough objective evidence here to strongly suggest that it's a lot less about your fiancee's mental state and a lot more about her having been surrounded by assholes all her life.
“Co- dependency” might be a term if she cares more about others’ feelings and needs more than her own. Difficult to break if she has set herself up to be the “victim” all her life.
Some children may not resolve issues of abandonment if they have been separated from the parent(s) There are feeling of rejection. They grow up into adults who feel unworthy.
Siblings can have immense power in the home and she may have been viewed with jealousy all her life. This family pattern may be why her family withholds attention and withholds consideration for her needs.
Are you going to pre-marital counseling? What you notice now in her temperament may blossom into depression later.
Consider eloping and hold the marriage in a romantic place, then have a fun party afterwards for whomever can attend.
I am not sure what your question is but what you describe is called "uncaring", and severe cases are called "neglect". the only correction is to forget the family ties and start your own life.
Thank you all for your replies.
I have looked into persecution complex as per suggested, and while I do see a few similarities, in that she dies seem to expect the worst in certain situations, it's not like she is constantly paranoid that people are treating her terribly. She is generally a very giving and loving person, and highly values her relationships with close friends and family. More than most people I've seen to be honest. As an example she's willing to compromise on what she wants our wedding to be like because she loves her grandmother and wants her to be there. She likes to be there for important events involving her cousins and other family.
But when she gives so much of herself to these people I think she gets really sad that they don't seem to act the same way towards her. Take our wedding as an example, she was at first really excited because her grandmother would get to be there and she thought an impromptu party would be fun. But when complications started to arrive with dates and her family seemed a little blase about the whole ordeal (almost as if it isn't important because it's rushed) she got very upset.
I've mentioned her mother already, but omitted many other things in general about her life. She was an only child, both of her parents were "actors" They divorced early and her father moved away to to pursue his career. Her mother pursued her ambitions with her but ended up putting a lot of other things before her (leaving her alone to cook and care for herself at a young age so she could go to parties with castmates, etc) Her mother had moved far away from the rest of her family, so she didn't spend a lot of time with them except during summers.
There is certainly some type of co-dependancy. I wouldn't say it's debilitating or compromising. She's cut her mother out a few times in her life and has made it clear she won't be friends with some people who treat her like that. She is a strong person, I can say that, but it just seems to be wearing her down and the wedding is just the latest issue.
I am trying to get us some counseling. Our relationship I'm not worried about, but certainly she has gone through bits of depression.
I don't expect any of you guys to be able to "diagnose" or help the situation in general just on the small details I've shared, but I thank you for the suggestions. I have suggested we put our foot down about the dates and whoever can or wants to come can, but if they don't then that's that. She's accepted it and that's what we're going to do, but she's still sad about it.
Thank you all again for your replies.
@Jewels Vern,
My question is generally, dealing with my fiance's family is generally happy and pleasant, bit when we want them to be excited and/or happy, or just honestly supportive of us (really her) they kind of treat it with mild indifference, like it is an effort for them just to be supportive even if they don't have to do anything for us. Is there a name and/or any type of study into this behaviour?
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