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I need help

 
 
Reply Sat 20 Apr, 2019 06:45 pm
A little background…
I have a friend who I’ve been with for 5 years. She is caring, smart, funny, likable, and full of positivity and inspiration. She’s also a tomboy with dirty blonde hair and she’s also beautiful. I have had a crush on her for a long time since the beginning of high school. Something happened a day ago which brought up plenty of emotions. I need advice and help

On Friday, one of my acquaintances and I were talking in class. He asked another one of my friends if she was friends with me and then asked if we were dating. I told him no but after a short pause I said I wish we were. She then said something about gender preferences and asked me if I knew what she meant. Trying to look semi cool I said yes. But shortly after she said that I felt like I was punched by the fist of God himself and that my chest took a well placed baseball bat hit. I didn’t know what to say or do especially in front of 15 something kids with cell phones. I thought she meant that she was lesbian, but I was trying to grapple the meaning of what she said. I mean I have no problem with her being Lesbian or Bi or what not, but that would probably mean that I wouldn’t be able to advance my friendship with her to something more. I spent the next 6 hours in and out of silent crying trying my hardest to not think about it. I also didn’t want to say what was wrong because I was worried if that was true or not, people would discriminate against her which is the last thing I would want. I also learned that 1979 by smashing pumpkins made me feel much worse for some unknown reason. I believe it has something to do with the meaning of the song being about how the teenage years are rushed and that we should not let them go so fast because we can’t travel backwards and re live it. Anyways enough about music. So shortly after listening to the song and looking up the meaning of her name out of curiosity, I felt even worse. And after commenting on the site, “I have a friend whose name is XYZ. I think it’s a beautiful name and describes her. I don't know if there is a significant meaning behind the name but since meeting her a long time ago, my life has changed for the better.” I needed to use the restroom. Thats when I finally broke down in tears. Those feelings I was trying to hold back earlier came rushing out like a damn bursting millions of gallons of water. I didn’t know where to begin because I was worried I would make it worse or make her feel guilty and bad which again is the last thing I would want to do. I love her and I want her to be happy and not have to live with any guilt caused by an overreaction. And I did not want to make her feel uncomfortable or biased against. At that point I really wanted to talk to her about it and me and her talked on the phone for a good 20 minutes. At first I didn’t know where to start and I told her that and that I didn’t want to offend her or make her feel bad. After she asked what was wrong, I said do you remember what XYZ was asking about and how you said something about gender preferences. I repeatedly said that I greatly value our friendship and that I wouldn’t want to make you feel bad. I almost sounded like a broken record, but I had a lot of stuff on my mind and I couldn’t think straight. Like said earlier all those feelings came out at once. And I really do value our friendship and I love her. Relationships like that that last so long (ie 5 years) are very hard for me to find and since meeting her, Ive felt like my life has changed for the better and that I can learn a lot from her. And I really can’t replace it with anything. I can’t live with that amount of heartbreak and guilt if I screw up something. And I asked what she meant about the gender preference, which she then said that she was bi sexual. I told her that I have no problem with it, which honestly I don’t. Im not one of those deeply religious people who have fucked up views about everything being a sin and that we are all going to hell. I honestly did not expect that though.I told her that when she said that I felt like I got punched by the fist of god and that I felt horrible. She then asked why, and I said it wasn’t with being lesbian or bi sexual or anything like that, but that I wanted to advance are relationship to something more. She then asked what I meant by advancing our relationship. I told her that I wanted to be boyfriend girlfriend (something like that) and that I liked her a lot as a friend and as something more. I then said after that I was worried about screwing up/ saying or doing something I can’t fix or take back/ and that I may be going to fast. She asked what speed are you wanting to go, and I said at whatever speed you’re comfortable at. She asked if it can wait a little bit which raised my hopes. I said yes because I got to finish high school which she thought was funny. It’s in my list of future dreams and plans wether they work or not. She then said that she had a relationship with XYZ (male) and asked if I knew him, and I said yes which I used to be friends with him. She said he went way too fast. She also said that she had a crush on another girl but she doesn’t think it will happen because she is deeply religious ( Im going to assume WBC level religious).We then talked about our plans for easter, and I asked if she wanted anything for easter. She didn’t really want anything specific. Im still thinking of bringing her a gift just out of kindness and thinking about her. After talking to her I felt much better about my situation now understanding what she meant. I suppose she has enough trust to tell me that she was bi because of the discrimination that comes with it. I especially felt better when she said that I couldn’t hurt her feelings. Still though I don’t want to make her feel bad or make the situation bad or worse. I love her for who and what she is(I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve said this) and I cannot live with the guilt of making her feel bad. I’ve said this a couple times in the past but her smile is contagious and I light up and feel good about my life when Im around her. She has so much positivity and she’s inspiring as well. She’s someone I look up to as well and I believe I can learn a lot from her. I would hate to know that I caused her to feel pain (emotionally). But I know a little more about my situation and feel a lot better after talking to her. It wouldn’t be yelling or cursing at me that would make me feel bad, it would be seeing her depressed (I have depression) like me because of something I said or did. I guess I have a clue about what to do but I spent most my afternoon researching bi sexuality and what not to do. One of the things I know I shouldn’t do is out her. Because quite frankly its not anyone else business about her choices, its her choice. And I didn’t talk to her mom about it because I asked if her parents knew about it and she said yes but they aren’t very accepting of it which I feared. I just need help and advice because I don’t know what to do.
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jespah
 
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Reply Sat 20 Apr, 2019 07:08 pm
@spcatlanta177,
Welcome to your teen years.

Crushes come and go and yeah, they hurt like hell when they're happening. Fortunately, they don't last forever. And sexuality confusion happens, too. Sometimes it sorts out one way, sometimes another. So be it.

Her wanting to go slow is one thing, but don't let everything go so slowly it grinds your life to a halt. That is, don't wait for her to make up her mind. Live your life. Your awesome, fun, smart, kind, terrific life.

This life can and should contain other girls, and maybe other relationships. There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever.

If she's interested, and she wants to date a guy, she'll come around. Having an interesting life will make you that much more attractive (there's nothing more awesome than someone whose **** is in gear -- trust me on this one), to her and to anyone else.

Have such an awesome life that a relationship with her or anyone else is the icing on the cake but not the whole meal.
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