I hurt the woman I love so badly. I’m not the woman I thought I was.

I had been my first relationship with another woman for two years and we’ve recently broke up due to me giving her the silent treatment whenever she did something to upset me and she just couldn’t take being ignored. The start of our relationship was amazing and I knew that I had fallen madly in love with her. She was my everything, she still is.

We started to have some issues around competitiveness and sarcastic comments she would make towards me which is when I started the silent treatment. I didn’t want to get angry so instead I kept quiet waiting for her to acknowledge that I was upset. Very rarely did she ever acknowledge it but instead she just brushed it off and tried to make out as if it didn’t exist. This annoyed me even more so I became more annoyed more silent. Why couldn’t I just tell her how I feel??? . I felt at the time that it was so hard and the best way was to hope that she would pull me out of it by saying “baby did I upset you”

then I could deal with it. In the past I had a really quick temper and when I was single for years before this relationship I felt that this had changed, I grew more calm and changed as a person. Recently, on two separate occasions our disagreements turned physical with me pushing and shoving her as she got me angry and frustrated. I do not condone violent abuse in anyway and know that I was in the wrong and our disagreement did not need to blow up over silly things. It was my frustration which made me lose myself and hurt and scare the woman I love so dearly. I know that I am in the wrong for treating her this way and she has left me as she says the relationship is unhealthy. I am not a violent person and would NEVER hurt her intentionally, I am a women also who has been through emotional abuse and don’t know how and why I reacted the way I did. Do you think that she could ever forgive me? I know that most of you will say that I am an abuser. I am a disgusting person for what I have done and you are totally right. I have acknowledged my wrongdoings and I wish on everything I could go back and change what had happened, how badly I reacted but I know that I can’t. I can t go back no matter how hard I want to.
I never ever wanted to hurt her, I love her to death and I so ashamed for what I have done to a woman who’s love I took for granted. I am seeking counselling to help me deal with where this behaviour has stemmed from in the hope to move forward and completely change my ways in the hope that she may forgive me or even love me again some day. Could anyone ever forgive this behaviour? ( I will add that I have never ever punched, slapped or hit her but I have pushed and grabbed her. I know what I have done is no better than the others I have mentioned) .