Is it normal to memorialize/idealize living child

Gasp! She really loves her son?? Shame on her for showing pride in her offspring.

Everyone knows being cold, abusive, and uncaring is the new normal! Am I right fellas??


I suspect that this probably isn't the case. That you might have some buried passive aggressive issues against your girlfriend who loves and respects her son's life and choices that you aren't sharing (intentionally or otherwise).

This shouldn't be a deal breaker. Let her have this one.

Then could you help me understand why this is ok? Because I’ve never had any of this from my parents and I know they loved me. No room dedicated to me, and my accomplishments (RN, then MD) and I’m really trying to understand. She doesn’t do this for any other of her children.

I agree with you. It's a bit excessive.

And I understand having pride in your children. I get that. So I am fine with her having the room, displaying his clothes, pictures of him around the room.....everything but that. Because at what point is it too much? And I don’t understand how if she didn’t have a room dedicated to him, she is unloving. Uncaring. Etc. so could you expound on that, please.

I agree as well. I’m trying to understand her point of view on this. And it’s hard to.

I think discussing this with her might be tricky and could easily deteriorate. It might be one of those things that you just decide to purposely overlook for the sake of maintaining harmony in the relationship..

Is this her first child? How many other children does she have?

Not first child. Has 3 children. One is 23, the other two are 19. He has a fraternal twin. The other twin is younger. Theoretically, he is the middle child. He has a fraternal twin brother who is like 10mins younger. And an older sister. Who is 23

Are the other two siblings finding themselves in trouble a lot? Accomplishing anything unexpectedly good? If not, I guess she is playing favorites with this one son to a certain degree.

Does she have a beloved family member (she look(s/ed) up to who was/is in the military? She could be projecting whatever feelings she has for them on him.

She has always really liked the army. As far as I know. No one in her family was in it. Her dad left when she was 3 or so. No relatives she regularly or even infrequently talks to. Was an only child. The person she looks up to is the one in the army.


As for the other two. No. They are not in any trouble. Ever. One works a job that she loves, basically a high end landscaping position as a team lead/supervisor. Lives on her own with her BF across town, and the other son lives with her. He works a full time entry level job at a grocery store.

If I can’t understand it. I will have to. I just know it will bother me. I like knowing why. A downfall of mine.

Have you told her this? Does this bother the other siblings? Is she willing to ... tone it down a little (after you expressed your thoughts)? At this point? I guess you have somewhat legitimate feelings that need to be addressed and compromise might make things a tad better ... at least in this department.

Yes. I have told her this. She said because I don’t have kids, I don’t understand. I don’t agree with her opinion of that, but I digress. I just asked her to tone it down. And I said I don’t feel comfortable with the lights. If she wants to have a room of his stuff, and pictures. That’s ok. I said even 10 pictures in the room with his clothes he wore displayed is ok. But the lights with pictures thing.... I compared it to a shrine (probably not he best choice of words) and I don’t mean to hurt her. And I feel bad that I’m not adequately able to support her in what she needs but it makes me uncomfortable to that extent.


Surprisingly her children don’t care. She even said “my kids find me crazy but they support me” and she wants me to support it.

A tad patronizing on her part. #ouch Is this the battlefield you want (the relationship) to die on? You're in a hard spot here. I guess you don't have the numbers in this battle. Move on (not leave) with your day to day life and drop it for now?

Seems creepy af to me but as long as you don't have to live in the house, I'd just leave it alone. Let her take care of fixing up/decorating that room on her own.

Try not to discuss it unless there is a possibility of living together.

If a friend of mine in real life did this, I'd encourage them to join a military family support group where they can discuss things.

her house
her string of lights
she can take care of this

just let her know you won't be helping/encouraging her with this

no need to discuss it

I appreciate your comments. And help. So. What should I do going forward? I don’t want it to end, sure it’s odd. But we have already talked about it. And she is in a mode where she thinks I’m trying to change who she is, and how she shows her love. So. I told her I’m not doing that. Going forth, what should I do? As for the post. I will be deleting it after I get some helpful things to do, because I don’t want her to know I asked help in if this is normal. Or what I can do.

Sounds like this is the first child to fly out of the nest - and into (potential) harm’s way. So she is afraid.

Has he deployed? If so, where?

She is hanging on to her son with this room. It comforts her, so let it be. When he comes home he will help her dismantle the display.

He isn’t deployed. He is stationed in Washington. He is non-combat. And I know since my brother is in the marines. Anything can change. I know that. But he hasn’t touched a rifle or done basic combat training in quite some time. His role does not require it, nor will it. Ever. Anytime he tells her, he may go to the border (as non-combat humanitarian work) she breaks down. I understand when he gets deployed, that’s different. But it happens whenever he says it.