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Sun 7 Oct, 2018 09:57 pm
I've been with my SO for 13 years, married for 8. Three years ago I approached him bc it didnt feel like we were treading water anymore. I personally felt like I was drowning. I was working full time. We had a toddler so I was in mom mode full time outside of work. He was in between jobs AGAIN and having manic depressive swings. On top of it, his bro and gf were living with us and not contributing to house expenses. I was depressed and our sex life was taking a hit. His response? We'll get by, we always do.
Not the encouraging response I was hoping for.
Meanwhile, we had started having play dates with a coworker who had a son the same age as mine. The boys played well together and we would have brunch, meet at a park, take turns babysitting for each other. My coworker is significantly older than me, fairly attractive, and surprisingly flirtatious. After several months he approached me and said he found me attractive and wanted to know if I would be interested in having an affair for strictly sexual reasons. I declined but would still see him at work or on playdates with our SOs.
Many more months passed. Things weren't improving at home. SO was bouncing between jobs. He claimed he quit one bc his boss confronted him and asked if he was having an affair with a woman who was visiting him at work. He said he wasnt, though he admitted to discussing approaching me about having a threesome wih her. Later he started suggesting we start swinging or open our marriage. I would play along thinking it was fantasy talk but it became clear that this was something he really wanted.
Quite honestly, this didnt help my depression.
A few months down the road, my coworker made a flirtatious comment and I thought, screw it, maybe it'll snap me out of this funk. I admit I was nervous and unsure..it had been a long time since I'd flirted with anyone, but I was enjoying the attention. I craved it. Soon we were talking, texting daily. He was always there to let me rant when I needed to. But one day ranting wasnt enough and we fooled around.
I was shocked with myself but it felt amazing. We had a great connection physically. He let me set the terms. If I wanted to meet, we met. If I didnt, we didnt. We met on and off for over a year.
Over this year, my SO finally started making effort to get it together. This started to set the guilt in and I started to push my coworker away. I told him it was time for me to start concentrating on my family again. He became angry, said he was in love with me, and if he was going to be miserable, so was I. I was upset, cried and we argued. I would see him every few weeks to keep him at bay. He finally told me if he could have just one full day to spend with me, he'd feel at peace with us. I agreed.
We took a day off and drove out of town. We had breakfast and spent most of the day together locked in a hotel room. Everything was going perfectly. It was relaxed and we talked about so many things. He told me he knew it was the last time we could meet and said he wanted me to know he really did love me, but felt at peace with the end.
That afternoon we checked out of the hotel, got into his car, and then a knock on the window..it was his wife. Naturally she was beyond angry. She took off and we drove back in silence. She messaged my husband and let him know she caught us leaving the hotel together.
I confessed. I told him how long we'd been seeing each other. The next few weeks were hell. He was constantly crying or raging, waking me up at all hours to scream at me. It was constant tension. It didn't help my coworker kept trying to contact me. I had to change my phone number and block him on social media. Then he started looking for me at work. I'm the last at work in my department and he knows my schedule. As soon as I was alone in my department, he would walk in and try to talk to me. When I told him several times to stop bc I swore to my SO I wouldn't contact him anymore, he started leaving notes in my office. It reached a point that I finally contacted HR to get him to stop.
It's been 6 months since my SO found out. Two months ago, he said he didnt like me or being around me anymore and wanted to separate. I agreed...I didnt expect anything less. However he was once again unemployed. We decided to split the house for the time being. I have the upstairs, he moved downstairs. We share common spaces like the kitchen and laundry room. Straight up, it freaking sucks.
There's constant anger and tension seething out of him. He's constantly out with another girl. And while I feel guilty and know I brought this down on myself, I started to get angry that he's not paying any bills and still expected me to cover everything. I decided, after wrestling with my guilt and anger, to tell him he had 6 weeks then I was splitting all the bills that we shared (insurance, phone, etc) into separate accounts.
Now he's actually job hunting. He's stressed and still depressed. He wont seek counseling.
Am I being too hard on him? I love him, even if I'm not in love with him. I miss him even though we live together. I dont want to cover his bills anymore and I think separation is the right move, but I feel guilty putting my foot down bc i still feel guily over the affair.
What a mess. I'd ask for advice, but honestly just a response and someone to talk to would be amazing.
@Irisocchi,
I don't think you're being too hard on him at this point in time. If this kind of a fire needs to be lit to get him to go job hunting, then it's kinda working. And as for him not seeking help for his depression -- he should have been doing so all along. But that's water under the dam. Still, it may be a good idea to broach it as a rewards thing rather than a punishment. E. g. if you get help, we'll split the bills 1/3-2/3 or whatever. I realize it's silly to bribe him to get medical care, but he needs it and you need for him to have his **** in gear enough to get a job.
And also to care for your kid. Not working should = take care of the kid full-time. He didn't. You were left holding the bag. Your inlaws did nothing to help you. No wonder you felt like you were drowning.
So, a few ideas, in no particular order:
- Living together, separated, is not working out. That much is obvious.
- So you need to sell the house. Are you taking steps to do so? This means contacting a realtor and also fixing all the nagging junk that turns off buyers. It means painting often. Can't afford a contractor? Then you (both of you) will need to do the heavy work. This doesn't mean him sitting around and supervising while you do everything. It means he does his fair share of it and doesn't dish out any **** while doing so.
- This also means finding another place to live. You don't need to find your husband a place. He's a big boy and can do that all by himself -- or lean on his brother and SIL. But you need to find a place for you and your child. You may need to have a roommate to make it affordable.
- If the bills are all in your name, get at least some of them in your husband's. Let his credit take a hit if the payments are late, rather than your own.
- Find other play dates for your child. Guys who proposition you are not good people to hang around with, particularly with your child in tow. It doesn't matter how good the friendship is between the children. Your child is, what, 5 or 6? He or she will deal.
- Do your best to find other work. Affairs at work rarely end well, and you are living proof of that. And while that guy is to blame for poisoning the work atmosphere, you are the one who is suffering. You'll feel a lot better about things once that, too, is resolved.
- And seriously consider counseling for yourself. You say you've had depression, and I believe you. That means you could also use a doctor's care. It would also be helpful to be able to unburden yourself, in person, with an impartial professional.
- And hang in there. I know it sounds as if there are a trillion things to do, but you're already on your way. You'll make it.
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