Please help me, dont judge me

I am 45 with a teenage daughter. My husband is good but has no time or interest in me. I tried all ways to get him interested in me, but he is keen only in earning more money. He is not bad but a very very boring man. But he is a great dad.

I even begged my hubby to divorce me but he says he loves me and I can do whatever I want to with my life but not leave him.
So, I met this guy six years ago who is married too but separated from his wife of 14 years. He and his wife live in the same city, have a son too. His wife walked out of the matrimonial house when the boy was 5 and has been living with her parents. In spite of his repeated requests, she never returned. But they keep meeting once in 2-3 months and message when some need is there. But he is banned from meeting his son. She wants him to move out of his house n live with her and her parents, but he has an ailing old mom so can’t move out of his house. He used to cry for his son, but she never let him see the boy for the past two years.
I got into an affair with this man that lasted for six years. He kept saying that he does not love her but wants her in his life for his son. Secretly behind my back he was messaging her and begging her to return home though he said he loved me only. So I continued this affair without much guilt as they both never had any physical or emotional relationship after she moved out.
Suddenly his wife found all the emails and pics we shared over the period of 6 years and became crazy. She threatened him with a divorce. I was surprised because they hardly met after she left and both haven’t seen each other in the past two years. However, she felt that he has been two-timing her as he was still married to her and still asking her to return home for the past eight years.I know that for sure because I went to this guys house as a friend many times and met with his mom who used to cry that DIL left the house.
Unfortunately, when the things came out , the guy panicked and dumped me saying that all has to end and that he was worried that she would open up everything and forward those emails n pics to his friends and relatives. So he begged me to ‘keep a low profile’ for one year and not contact me at all. When I asked him if his marriage meant this much to him then why he had to two timed me as well! I asked him why he did not leave me and worked on his marriage? I lost six years of my life and never made any effort to gain my hubby’s love in these six years.
In these five years of our affair, I, almost daily, would ask him if he had any plans of getting back together with his wife and he ALWAYS denied and even used to get mad at me for repeatedly asking the same question.
I did not break their home; it was already broken even before I entered his life. His wife asked him for a divorice many times before but he never gave as he feared that he would lose access to his son forever.
Now his wife is accusing him of WhatsApp by sending messages, and I have no clue what he is responding. But he said he did not confess to her yet and would so ‘sometime later when things cool down.’ I did so much for him including cleaning his office, cooking for him, cooking for his mom, buying gifts on his behalf to his mom, buying expensive stuff for him( he had no money), ironing his clothes, getting his office things repaired for him, so on and on and on. There is nothing I didn’t do it for him though he was very rude to me many times.
Now he is just sends me SMS twice a week asking how I am. Thats it. When I asked about his status with his wife, he said she is still mad at him but did nothing about divorce but may do anytime/may not too.
When I asked him if he wants to give his marriage a second chance and when I asked him ihe says ‘ i don’t know’! He is not meeting his wife as he is very scared but says he would meet when things cooled down and when her anger reduces. The wife did threaten to divorce but did not go ahead. She wants him to confess to him that he did have this affair but the man is still not doing it. They both did not even meet or try to reconcile yet. But he is very scared and asked me not to talk to him . I I’m not able to recover from this terrible shock; I don’t want to go to any counselor.


I am trying to move on..but when he called on Friday to tell that he missed me, I got very emotional again. His conversation was very confusing. He said his wife's parents are not keeping well and are very angry and she is crying. And he is worried about his son. I dont know why he wants to tell me all this and what he excepts me to answer? Is he seeking my permission? or is thia a decent way to say 'im dumping you'? Then he says 'will you send a picture of yours, I want to see'. 'Will you come with me to watch tennis match in January'...I am thoroughly confused. First I thought he called me to say that he is leaving me as now he cared about his family. later into the conversation, he asks me to send pics, saying he missed me a lot, about the match etc. He also said he cant move in with her into her parents house leaving alone is old mom. And wife would never come back. They have not actually met to reconcile too. Its been 3 weeks now. But he wont give divorce. But she threatens him to tell everything to his old mom. Im so confused with all this. They should either reconcile and give their marriage a shot or should divorce. When they cant even live in the same house how will things change? Neither of them is ready to leave their parents' house.

i didnot feel guilty of this affair because I told everything to my husband the day it started as I didnot want to break his heart. I was ready for a divorce too but he never wanted it. He told me to go ahead with it.

And yes, I did ask my AP many times why he was not taking any legal action to get visitation rights to his son. He said that would make his wife mad if he takes any legal action and so he has to wait patiently till she changes her mind some day. So, He waited for 8 years. He is very scared of divorce.

I’m devastated. I put in all my efforts into this relationship through its immoral, illegal, whatever. It was not just an affair, he was my best friend too. Maybe I should have ended this long time back but he never let me. Now even the friendship is gone. Will he ever come back to me at least as a friend?
How can she even question him now when she left him 8 years ago and never let the son and dad bond? This happened a month ago and she neither filed for a divorce as she threatened nor she is putting any restrictions on him not to talk to me nor trying to reconcile with him. What actually is going on there between them?