Fri 29 Jun, 2018 01:06 pm
this my pedo story. I don't know how you do it, but this is how I've done it, and I hope its okay, otherwise please let me know, i'd be happy to answer any questions you might have. it's coming out as one big chunk of memories and honestly it feels good finally telling someone. hope you can navigate around it...!
i am 20 something years old. i see myself as heterosexual. but I have been with many guys when I was younger. 1% of the time, I can fantasies about sucking a penis and getting cum in my face, but it always stays a fantasy. I have never fallen in love with a guy. i have many friends. i see my self as socially skilled and easily likeable. i have sexual fantasies of persons under the legal sexual age. i could never imagine hurting a child. i would never consider having a sexual relationship with someone under the legal age or with someone who was not into it - because I know this would destroy or really hurt the other persons life future and well being. i have learned to accept my thoughts, and that I am separate from my thoughts. i just like to fantasies about having sex with young girls (6-15 years old).
i have had thoughts about having sex with other kids my age since i was like 6-7 years old. I have also had some sexual encounters with people my age.
quick grown up:
when i was around 5 years old, my mom and dad separated, and in the years after, I really had little support from my mother, because she was so sad all the time. i quickly had to grow up. she wasn't very emotionally available for me. i didn't like to cry in front of her or ask for support, because I felt she was already so sad and had so many things to do and take care of.. in other words: i learned to close down..
most early memory (very vague) maybe 3-4 years old:
i saw another guy my age with a boner. his mom was changing his diaper i believe. I'd like to stay being a baby. i loved the thought of being in diaper. and that someone would take care of me and change my diaper. i use to have fantasies about another mother and dad taking care of me, and loving me, and changing my diaper.... this "idea" disappeared after a while...
i was 6 years or 7 years old. it was after school, in "leisure club", and we were a lot of kids in a pillow room. we were playing games like kids do. there was an older girl, she was maybe 15 or 16. very commanding. she ruled the game, and told us what to do. she told me and another girl my age to play a game where we'd pretend we were having sex. i liked it, because I could get closer to that girl. i think i recall the girl liked it as well. we were only playing and no sexual intercourse actually happened. at maximum we were rubbing each others genitals with underwear on. i remember i felt very embarrassed although i wanted it to happen. afterwards i felt terrified and it wasn't a nice experience. i remember people talking about it, and I really didn't like it. i told the older girl not to tell anyone. my sweet teacher figured it out, and came curiously to ask me about it. when I told her nothing sexual actually happened, she lost all interest and said "ahh okay, that's cool". i remember looking out of the toilet windows thinking... very embarrassed by my teacher knowing.... and then seeing two doves pairing/mating in the school yard..
at my friends house (7-8 years):
I was with a class friend (girl) at the time and we were playing. We went to her play house in the garden, and I remember that we were lying close to each-other and almost having sex. I believe I wanted to but we never did it. I look back at this memory as "very close to having sex in a young age". After the incident I regretted not taking another step, so more could have happened.
I also remember having fantasies in a very young age, like 7-9 years old, that was about me having sex with another girl my age, because we were forced to by older guys. I remember I somehow wished/hoped that would happen, maybe because I was too embarrassed to say I wanted sex in that age, and because I would give me a "legal" reason to have sex with another girl my age.
MY BIGGEST REGRET OF ALL TIME (I was maybe 11):
I remember I was at my little brothers place. He lived with my dads new younger girlfriend. I was with him and I have had the thought of putting my penis in his mouth. When my dad and his girlfriend was in the other room, I quickly tried to put my penis close to my little brothers mouth, but I remember his face turning away and an expression on his face like he DIDN'T like that. I quickly stopped, and immediately felt very very bad. it has been surpressed for many years, but lately it has come up this memory, and it feels horrible, and I don't know what to do. Although I never pressured him to do anything, and I didn't force it into his mouth, I still feel very bad about what I did, and I'm very afraid that he can still remember, and I honestly don't know how/if I should react on it today. I don't see him very often, because of family troubles, but I feel like we have a good bond, and I love him with all my heart, and I feel he loves me too.
the first time sexual encounter:
In the later years, I believe I was 10 or something, I started hanging out with a guy my age. We spend a lot of time at his place, watching television and playing with all his toys. At one point I remember we were put in a bath together, and I believe this is where it started "for real". We often met and had sexual intercourse, like "you suck my penis, then I suck yours", and even anal sex. We did this over a longer period, and I remember that I kept wanting to do it. His interest in it cooled down, and I tried in several ways to convince him of doing it with me again (like, after we played this game, then lets do it!) - but he ceased to want to do it, and I had to stop. I remember regretting that he didn't want to do it anymore. I felt bad that he didn't want to do it, and also for that I had tried to convince him for so long, instead of respecting his choice. we slowly stopped to hang out because we grew apart...
a trade with a family friend:
later - i guess around age 10 - we had a family friend who came over. I had a lot of special candy that he was apparently into (no clue why, it was old and stick in a old box). I told him he could have it all, if we would have sex for some time. i don't really remember how it all ended up, or how I managed to "convince him" (or if he wanted to do it himself), but I remember that we were lying on top of each-other, naked, like we were *******, but obviously we were both guys so no ******* could really happen when we lied upon each-other. i remember that I wanted to do it for longer, but he kept asking "when is the time over?". i feel like I did something, that he really didn't want to do, but I did it anyway. like a "consensual rape". uggh!!! i guess he can remember, but I have not talked with him. I remember his name, and I don't know what/if I should do anything.........
13-14 years old:
I was often wanking together with my good childhood friend. It started out when we were playing video games. I don't know how we started, but he ended up using his teddy-bear to masturbate on my dick, until I came. A very nice experience and something I look back on as a great fantasy.
I loved it, and I often looked at his penis and I believe he too looked at mine, while we were masturbating to heterosexual porn.
14 years old:
a friend from school and I were playing around after school. We got hands of some condoms and we went to the woods. I sucked his penis with a condom on and he sucked mine. a few weeks later we did something similar in his garden... then it stopped.
I have been very down because of my thoughts and sexual fantasies towards younger children. maybe I was a monster, etc. but realizing that many people feel this way (i have read 1 out of 5 men actually have thoughts about younger girls), and after having learned that it's perfectly OK to think and feel whatever you want. theres a difference between that and then actually (wanting to) put the ideas into reality. I could never see my self doing that. Now I would say I feel very OKAY with it. I haven't told anyone I know. Not even my therapist (But i've been close. I told him I thought of a lot of nasty things, that was illegal and very wrong, and i imeddialy started to cry, and he told me I could think WHATEVER I'd like -- I have the notion that he knows I could have fantasies of children due to my background, but not 100% sure).
I think my biggest issue today (apart from what I might not know - feel free to enlighten me) is that I have a seldom habit of sometimes watching underage porn. Normally I don't watch porn and I feel fine using my fantasy. I never pay for it (nor could/would I ever imagine to do). I never do anything to get it (like trading values with others). Expect for searching around deep-web for some time, and then finding some images. Put in another way: I look at what's already out there, and I do not create any demand in the illegal market (requesting porn for money / etc). I'm simply an observer. I'd like to stop this habit anyway..... it creates paranoia of getting caught..
I have been browsing some forums lately, and I noticed this "Awkwardness in giving or receiving affection with children is the red flag.". Which remindned me of something terrible I have forgot to mention. While my hole family was watching, my niece/nephew (I don't remember which) came to hug me, and his face was in the height of my genitals. I felt akward.. after all it was an akward hug.... Just like I would if a dog was licking my pants infront of someone. Because his head was touching my genitals on top of my pants..... ARGH... i'm very afraid to be labeled by my family - or anyone in general.
1) Should I tell my little brother that I am sorry for what happened +10 years ago? (even though I don't know if he can remember so long time ago).
2) Is there any relevant reading material you could recommend me?
3) Should I refrain from watching CP? This could be a challenge. I tend to watch it when I am feeling very down/intoxicated (maybe once a month or even just 6 times a year). Then I wake up the next day and feel really bad for what I did. Maybe because I wrong myself for my fantasies, maybe because I don't know if it's illegal or not, or most likely because of what I watched was not OKAY.
4) Because I know I would never put my fantasies into reality, and because I have learned that my fantasies will never be removed, I see no reason in seeking council/help. I REALLY don't want anybody to know.
5) Are there any unforeseen consequences of my past sexual patterns that I should be aware of?
6) Why do I have these thoughts? have I been molested? I don't think so, but sometimes I get an idea that I might have... where else should I get the fantasies to molest a child against her will?
7) Is my sexual history "normal"? I guess not. But since I haven't talked with people with it before, I'd like some reactions/responses.
8) could my sexual history have something to do with my sexual desires toward younger children today? (note: i am not exclusive to sexual thoughts about children, I just like it, although I prefer when I fantasies about my (ex) girlfriend, someones mother, or something else "more legal").
9) Could I be bisexual? I don't feel so. I have had sexual encounters before In my life with boys, but I only feel attracted to girls. And seldomly I masturbate sucking someonens cock, or getting cum in my face....
1) Tell your therapist what you told us. You can just send him or her the URL.
2) Don't consume child pornography. Those kids are mainly horribly abused runaways. Consuming child porn gives that a market. It is far from harmless.
As for the rest of it, this is what your therapist is for.
You might want to consider talking to a therapist who specializes in sexuality and sexual concerns. Not all therapists are equipped to handle these issues.
The lack of emotional intimacy and support from your mother coincided with your numerous childhood sexual encounters. Is it possible that as a child you began to mistake the sexual experiences for actual closeness/compassion/intimacy? A qualified specialized therapist should be able to help you gain insight into your thought patterns and behaviors.
thanks a lot for your reply.
1) im really having a hard time doing this. how would it help me, and what difference could it make? i know i wouldn't ever act on theese fantasies, although as a "stressed" kid i have had wierd encounters that i today know i would never do. i'm afraid i get reported of some sort. i really dont trust the system, and that the system knows how to keep my data 100% safe. i imagine a few years from now, my data would be leaked to some extremist organization (see what happens in Thailand, with their drugs and the president who kills people who have even voluntarily said to have consumed illegal drugs in the past).... also he's not an official therapist, but a private one, although he works for the system every now and then.
2) can you let me know how consuming gives a market? i only contribute with my eyes. no advertisement is clicked, or any money donated. maybe that can also help me understand the consequences and refrain from it.
i thought about this. i could go get referred to a sexual clinic, because of "boner problems", etc.. something very different from what i plan to talk about, but this could be a disguise to get in. when i'm in, i could talk more openly. still. i am afraid to be written down in some system, i am afraid the doctor will recgonise me on the street and/or talk to his colleagues, i am afraid my data could be leaked in the future of they are written down. i am soooooo afraid in general. remember: i have never told anyone. this is the first time i come out in "public".
also i am even afraid to post this post, and anything on this forum.what if the ISP found out - would the report me to the police? is what i am saying / doing here illegal? i live in europe.
maybe could I go about the therapy, without telling my real fantasies, but just telling the therapist (either mine, or one from the sexual clinic), about my sexual encounters as a child. that way i could get treatment / insight, but without revealing my crazy fantasies.
i will think more about your question. my first thought is: i do like sex a lot - also in relationships. i am always ready for sex, whereas my partners tend to diviate a bit. in stressful periods i also tend to masturbate before going to bed...
sometimes i pay for hookers (on the way home from a party, if i couldnt find a girl to invite home). i don't know if my sex-drive is abnormal or connected to my childhood experiences. i have also heard that guys in the 20s have a lot of it
although when i look back at my encounters as child, i didn't see it as intimate -- rather stressful (what if we got caught, what if he doesn't want to, what is he/she thinkig, etc).... sex today (with my girlfriend whom i love for instance) is tottally intimite and full of compassion and closeness though. even if im outside a relationship, and i **** with a hooker, i tend to talk nicely with them, and be kind before and after sex. i don't see myself as a jerk.....
thanks for your knowledge.
1) The way I see it, you either trust your therapist, or you don't. Personally, I would be doing everything in my power to assure my time was being spent productively.
2) So you don't click on the ads. But they are still there. Someone is clicking on the ads. And by being able to show more clicks and better time on page and other positive metrics, a site can rank higher in Google searches. It can also command better returns on its ad placements, etc.
You are consuming an illegal, abusive product. Even if you don't give a dime to these sites, you are still helping them rank on Google. And you are also, aggregated with how many other people are viewing this illegal and abusive product, are telling the hosting/distribution sites to buy and/or make more.