Are my lyrics ok?

I wanted to write an edgy song, but I'm scared to show my friends because I'm self conscious. I'll take any helpful criticism. It probably sucks since I'm an 11 year old girl, but here it goes... (ps. It may be a little short)
Rising
(Half upbeat punk rock music)

Sometimes, the pain gets in the way. (I'll do it, I'll do it another day) So you stay home, watching your sanity waste away. (I'll do it another day) They hear you scream, they hear you cry. (She's fine, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine) You scream, you writhe, you hurt, you cry.

(Music turns rock-y)

You're writhing
It's rising
The temperature
Is rising
It's rising
It's rising
IT'S RISING
IT'S RISING

(Sad music)

In the end, they're all big jerks. They don't know how it works. (Don't know how it works)
They ignore your calls
In acoustic empty halls
Amplified (amplified, amplified, amplified)

Please make it right
Stop passing by
And stop for a while
Don't be so stuck up
You might like it.

(Savage rock solo)

Your writhing
It's rising
The temperature
Is rising
It's rising
It's rising
IT'S RISING
IT'S RISING

(Music turns somber)

I know
You think
That we're all
Big freaks
I mean why
Would we
Voluntarily
Die?

(Music trails off)

The stuff within the song in parenthesis are background singers.