I have a crush, I think...I don’t know...please help

First of all, thank you for your consideration of checking this out. I fully appreciate it as this has been going on for five months and I really need someone to talk to.

Warning: This is long. This is a full on rant so please bare with me. I really do appreciate the help though.

Hello, I am a freshman girl and I’ve been in high school for about five months now. However, literally five months ago from today, things started spiraling into chaos.

It all started in biology class, beginning of the year, people were still meeting others, and the teacher assigned us to a certain group for a lab. Little did I know that day would affect every waking day of my freshman year.

I had to be put in a group with this one guy. He started acting nice and respectful to me. I was having trouble with one of the procedures in the lab, and he walked up to me from the other side of the room to see if I had everything under control. He as well offered that I could sit next to him.

Bare in mind I was pretty much ignored throughout middle school and I didn’t talk to many guys, I was pretty innocent. So I personally thought it was cool to be treated this way (sad to say now that I think about it). Besides this whole crush thing is kind of new to me and I’m not used to feeling these things so expect me freaking out over small things . But that was it. I didn’t automatically develop a crush on him.

Until the next class came and my heart was racing thinking about going to biology class again.

The more I learn about him though, he turns out to be an awkward and nice (in a cute sort of way) kind of guy. He’s smart, funny, and just has respect for anyone.

However, my thoughts fluctuate about him weekly. One week I’ll be gushing over how cute he is, another week I’ll be questioning if he thinks I’m insane, another I’ll be accepting the fact he doesn’t like me, another I’ll be creeped as to why he keep looking at me across the room, and another I’ll see him as a good friend. So many other thoughts about him than just the given.

Some problems that have been affecting my view towards him though is that he has, I kid you not, mostly female friends. This bothered me at first because that made me view him as a player. However, that isn’t the case as that is just the way he is. I personally don’t have a problem with it now, but back then when I knew I had a crush on him, it was intimating.

I would say before Christmas break, I was crushing big time on him. However, I noticed that during Christmas break, I lost the feelings for him. Until he wanted to be my partner for an assignment again after break. And we saw each other at the winter dance...(why’d he look so cute in that suit)...

Now, I am unsure of how I want/need to think about him. I’m unsure if I still see him as a crush now, but the feelings from the past are still present and I don’t know if I should keep or ignore them. Right now I would say we’re both good (awkward) friends.

Some things he does that makes me question everything (these are just a lot of events, in which some, when looking back, are just so innocent and kind of stupid but still brought me joy)-

He states at me. From across the room. During band, study hall, biology. Almost everyday.

He always acts awkward and maybe even shy towards me. Maybe this is his personality, but I’m still unsure.

There are times when I’m near and he would either walk right pass me in the hall without acknowledging or just not talk when I try to talk to him.

I remember one day where we had a fire drill and it was the first time we actually fully talked in a good manner. Later that day, I experienced the first time he asked to be partners for a biology project. I flipped. It was a good day. (One of the first events, where having him as a crush was at the peak)

He still askes if we can work together on certain projects or assignments. I don’t get the same rush anymore as I did like the first time, but it’s still cool when he asks.

We were in a small group together called freshman mentoring, where it’s pretty self explanatory. I was the only girl and he had to be in the group. We did an activity where we write down what we thought about ourself and then pass it to the person next to us to write something positive about them. We were in a circle and I passed mine to a guy who barely knows me while I wrote for the guy I liked. I wrote down three or four things for him, while the guy who barley knew me just told me I was “very nice”. The guy I like them grabs my paper and writes down that I was caring and kind.

M&m’s were being given out, and when I was about to reach for them some other guy grabbed them. I complained a bit saying “uhm I hadn’t eaten anything all day” and then he responds saying to all of those who want m&ms “I think she should get them first.”

We are both in band, and we will share practice rooms with one another.

He likes Taylor Swift. A lot. We literally had a karaoke party when we were supposed to be practicing for band.

Once it was me, him, and two other people in a practice room and there was only one stand. I let him use the stand while I worked on other things. He then wanted to practice with me on one song, so he literally got another stand from who knows where for me to use.

During the winter dance, I was mostly letting loose with my friends, especially when the song “Don’t stop believing” came on and we all let loose dancing. I noticed him and his date (friend date, according to her) come near us in our direction, looking our way. Later that day she asked me if I liked somebody else, who is a guy I talk to normally as a friend.

While leaving after biology, him and another friend of his were walking directly behind me. The friend asked him if he was going to the winter dance, and he responded he was going with a friend. The friend then asked “Are you going to ask her out?” And he immediately starts hushing him.

There are so many awkward communications, it happens almost every time we talk to each other. I’m always an awkward person, but him being awkward too just doubles it.

I’m sure there are more, mind-boggling events tbag have happened, but I’ll spare you with just these.

So now I come down to my final question.

What should I do?

I have liked this guy in the past for a great amount. I’m not so sure if I like him that much anymore, but he’s fun to be around with. There are times where I truly think he likes me back. Due to the way he acts and his constant stares, I feel like he has some sort of feelings towards me. I don’t want to date or anything until I’m a sophomore, so nothing relationship wise for now.

Overall, what are your thoughts? Any advice? What do you think he thinks about me? What should I do? What should I think of him as? What do you think of him as? How can I act less awkward? I don’t have a solid question, I just need some thoughts and outputs from others.

Okay, I think that’s it. If you’re reading this, GOD BLESS YOUR PATIENT SOUL.

In all honesty though, I appreciate you just taking time from you’re like to help me with something causing me a bit of stress, self-consciousness, anxiety, but joy as well. I want to thank you for your help and I can’t wait to hear what you have to say.

Thank you so much!