What have i done/what do i do.

I don't know where to start but I have been with my partner for 30 years this year and only God knows why. I have autism, and I know I am depressed and very anxious. When I look back at my marriage and the life I led and my 3 kids led I realise that the autism ( that I have always ignored) has played a big part in me letting myself be walked over. I was a neglected child and led a crap life because I didn't realise people were actually abusing and using me. I met a man I fell in love with in my 20s and we married and had our kids, he is a decent hard working man and doesn't drink or gamble, but now I look back he just wanted an easy life, to go to work come home and rest until he went to work the next day. I remember him getting angry if he had to do things for me or the kids or if his resting times were disrupted. Sometimes he was horrible to the kids, but I stupidly thought all dads were like this! He would hit them. I would run to protect them and push him away. I ended up trying to keep him happy all the time just so he wouldn't change into angry mode, I became a nervous, anxious wreck doing this. He can't see he did any of this...he denies it but when the kids remind him of times he did hit the them he then goes into a huge depression, almost suicidal.
All 3 children have problems with their lives, and I wonder if it was because of him! Or am I being unfair on him!
Here I am 30 years on, all 3 kids have moved out, none of them can cope with his mood swings, he is a Jekyl and Hyde character but at work and in front of anyone else he is the most happy loving person there is, he is a totally different character?? I have not been near him sexually in over 10 years, this hurts him and he asks me why, but I say why on earth would I want to make love with someone who treats me so bad, abuses me emotionally and makes me feel down and depressed! Then he makes me think am I being horrible, is it me that has the problem.
He can say some horrible spiteful things, but when I look back over the years i realise I have been more of a ' someone to look after him' person or a mother figure' because he has something wrong for sure and he needs to have someone there for him, he dreads the thought of being alone. He treats me like a piece of crap, he doesn't care for me...unless I talk of leaving and then I might get 2 days of niceness.
I was seriously ill once and it was touch and go whether I would survive or not, I was allowed home but I could not get myself out of bed or wash/dress myself, I couldn't even reach my tablets on my bedside table, he would leave me food and drink and go....I laid in urine, in soiled clothing, so dehydrated as I could not hold a cup I almost died, I could not even speak hardly but asked him to get me help but because he ' can't ' talk on a phone he didn't want to.....he just left me there day and night in that bed dirty and sore, I managed to get to a phone to call for help and I was actually dying again of septacemia....i was rushed straight to hospital and I asked them straight am I going to die, they said they could not say no but would do there upmost to help me and they did save me....Because he went to work and now was doing the household chores he just left me there. Why could he not get me help!! I've been left disabled by this illness and I can't do much now so he has lost more respect for me....he wants to be looked after, not to have to look after someone else. We don't sleep in the same room, his idea because I snore. He won't do any of the physical jobs in the house, the ones I can't do...I am having to employ people to do them and I really don't have the money to do this, the house has gone to pot. I can't do it all and he won't do it. He does things like washing and dishwasher and he does cook dinner on most days so am I asking too much. He is sick of me being so ill all the time, he says I'm lazy, and I suppose I am but I feel so ill and its such a struggle to do things. He tells the kids how I'm saying I'm sick but I'm not really, I'm a hypochondriac and lazy but he don't realise the kids tell me what he's said. Its so sad. If anyone asks him to do something he's right there, just not at home. He works as much as he can as he's happy at work he says, then he goes to his room and stays there all day and night apart from to come and cook dinner. Whats the point, its a horrible way to live and its left me feeling so depressed, I don't have a marriage anymore. I feel it better if he goes as he's just using the house as a bedsit, and he loves to be able to say he has a wife and kids, its like his safety net. I regret not leaving him years ago, I was talking about leaving him in my 30s because of his ways and I didn't do it....I could have been happy again. I'm not happy now, I can't put everything on here as if he ever saw it he would know it was me. He has terrible mood swings, he often won't snap out of them until he has made everyone in the house down and depressed, once we all feel like that he snaps out of it. He says nasty things to all of us for no reason, he can be really spiteful and then he apologises? His mood can turn within seconds for no reason, and it can go on for hours, hes reduced my son to tears.....and we have big arguments about him getting help but he honestly swears there is absolutely nothing wrong with him!
There is much more but I feel its maybe too much to keep writing on here. He's never laid a hand on me but my dr said he is abusive because of the way he talks to me and treats me. I'm stuck in a depressed rut.