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My girlfriend went on vacation with her ex without telling me

 
 
Reply Tue 5 Dec, 2017 03:08 pm
Me and my girlfriend have recently got back together after a break up that lasted the whole summer. I was the one who broke up with her, thinking that my love for her was not reciprocated. During the breakup we exchanged letters and, even though I tried to get over her, I couldn't. I think she is the love of my life. We have both been so happy since we got back together. We talked a lot about issues we had in the past and improved our communication so much and I thought this could really work.

Well, until she went on vacation on the other side of the world a few days ago.

I was happy she was going on holiday because she has been very stressed with work and I thought she deserved a break, and I thought she booked it while we weren't together. But she was weirdly vague about the people she would go with, almost defensive. She just said "some friends." I didn't think much of it, I just thought it would be friends from her old job that I hadn't met yet.

We'd been messaging since the beginning of the holiday, telling each other that we miss each other and being cheesy. She would tell me about her day and I would tell her about mine, as we always did.

Until I looked at her "tagged" pictures on instagram.

She went on holiday on the other side of the world... with her ex?

Now, we did talk about her ex when we got back together. They are friends. I am very open-minded, I'm not the kind of girl who would tell her to cut contacts with her or stuff like that. But she is so weirdly secretive about her. I literally found out they were still friends by looking through her social media, and she never tells me when she goes out with her. I told her I would prefer her to be honest about this, but she kind of made me understand she didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable and she would rather avoid this kind of conversation.

Well, fair enough. But I don't think this is the kind of conversation that should be avoided in a healthy relationship.

You don't have to tell me you're going for lunch with your friend who also happens to be your ex, I guess, but - tell me if I'm being overdramatic here - I think I should know if you're going on a holiday with her!

The thing that really, really, really hurts is the lie.

"Some friends?"

First of all, how oblivious does she think I am?

And second, what the actual f*ck?

I have been crying for the past three days and I also have anxiety so this isn't really helping. I don't want to talk to her until she's back and I've been very cold in my replies to her messages. She has been very sweet, sending me emails and commenting on all of my pictures and telling me she misses me, but I just can't do the same right now. She got annoyed because of my short replies and because I wouldn't tell her what's wrong, so she is now giving me the silent treatment.

She genuinely has no clue why I am acting like this.

I am so hurt but I still don't want to ruin her holiday.

I don't know what to do, to be honest. This is just too painful, but I still want to make our relationship work, more than anything. I still love her, but I gave her my whole trust and she just lied.

What should I do?
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Dec, 2017 03:18 pm
@grumpycat,
grumpycat wrote:

What should I do?


the same thing everyone needs to do in adult relationships - be honest in your communication

you don't need to accuse her of anything - comment on an IG photo
don't avoid using her ex's name when you're texting/whatever about her trip

hey looks like B is having a good time !

__

be encouraging about her having a good time with friends including her ex (if you truly feel that way)
__


assuming your gf is an adult, this is not a good sign

Quote:
but she kind of made me understand she didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable and she would rather avoid this kind of conversation.


1. are you uncomfortable with those conversations?

2. avoiding the conversation isn't good


__

it reads like you're both avoiding discussing the reality of her travelling with her ex. be the grown-up, acknowledge it but don't dwell on it
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 5 Dec, 2017 03:20 pm
@grumpycat,
grumpycat wrote:

I have been crying for the past three days and I also have anxiety so this isn't really helping. I don't want to talk to her until she's back and I've been very cold in my replies to her messages.



you're no better than she is by avoiding the truth of the trip

mention it

avoiding it does not help anyone

you're being passive-aggressive by being cold in your responses without telling her why
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 6 Dec, 2017 09:12 am
She booked it when you were not together?

How many people are in this "group"?

If it's just those two, I'd be upset. But if a group of people went, then I'd be concerned, but put it into context.

Sounds like you two are just at the beginning of your re-relationship. Right? So this ex is was someone sandwiched in between your breakup?
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2bgoodagain
 
  1  
Reply Mon 9 Dec, 2019 12:18 pm
@grumpycat,
yeah. she's cheating on you with her ex.

her ex is the priority in her life.

it's a twisted form of unhealthy relationship where two people may be with others on a permanent basis but promises each other that they are the love of their lives. like a life time relationship. regardless of what relationships they may be in with other people... bf/gf, engaged, marriage. doesn't matter, they are to each other the highest priority.

how do i know? i've been in one, and let me tell you, it is SO unhealthy, like mandatory therapy unhealthy. feel sorry for her, though you're probably just hurt and pissed.

this was posted years ago, so i'm hoping you made the better choice and moved on. others who are in similar situations or, like I was, are the ones who are cheating on our spouses/significant others... it isn't worth it. all affairs are based on fantasy, no matter how special you feel deep in your gut that yours is....

the only way an affair lasts.... is so long as the fantasy doesn't burst to reality. but usually one person falls more than the other, so it's very very rare for it to work out.

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Sarlav
 
  0  
Reply Tue 17 Dec, 2019 07:35 pm
@grumpycat,
The fact she didnt tell you says it all really, she doesn't care how you would feel and then posting it on IG that's cold. Dont let her do this to you. It's like ok here is the line but where do you draw it ???? If this was you doing it then how would she feel and I would ask what else she is hiding.

You dont do this to somebody you love so dont let her do it to you, if you can book a holiday for a couple of days with a mystery girl and get the point across. But look drop dead gorgeous and look stunning when she comes home. Play her at her own game then walk away.
0 Replies
 
only1kleigh
 
  1  
Reply Mon 27 Jan, 2020 07:48 pm
@grumpycat,
HUGE RED FLAG!
sorry to be dramatic but it is.

I went through a similar situation with my ex. I thought I was just being chill and laid back. Not all up in her business when she was starting to hang out with her ex more and more often. Saying they were just friends and it was helping her to heal from their relationship....blah blah blah.
After a year of dating she told me that she "wasn't ready for a relationship". Mind you I treated this girl like a diamond. Took care of her. Bought her things. Took her on vacation. Told her how much I appreciated her and what a great friend she was to me.
Yeah so all of this and I got the **** end of the stick when I should have been a jealous girlfriend. Because that dumb bitch weaseled her way right back in and snatched my gf out from under me.
They went on vacation together on the other side of the world and it killed me inside. I was so angry with her for many months. But, guess what?
To no ones surprise, it didn't work out!
Not that it matters really because after 2 years of all this mess with her she was still one of the loves of my life and tore my heart out. We are still great friends after all the **** but it doesn't change what she did to me.

With all of that being said, tread lightly. Exes always seem to be trouble. Especially if she is already keeping their activity together hidden from you.
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