Husbands video gaming obsession

Your husband needs counseling. He's mourning the loss of his job and the change in his life - and he's medicating what is probably depression (I am not a doctor but the neglect of basic hygiene is a worrisome sign of depression) with video gaming.

You're not helping things by enabling him. You do the household chores so he's free to play. And you keep quiet in the mornings which feeds his ability to game until the wee hours of the morning. You also enable him by being his reminder for every little thing. He's a big boy and should be able to set his own reminders. So cut that **** out.

A few ideas:

• Like I said, counseling for him, and maybe also for you so you can work together better as a team
  
• Dropping any perfectionist tendencies you may have about chores. Learn to embrace "good enough". The floors don't have to be sanitary, etc. So if he can do a decent job that's good enough, then let him. Don't jump in and "fix" those. That just reinforces his behavior and his claims that he can't do something or other, and it also reinforces you doing more than your fair share of household work.
  
• For any of his claims that he can't do anything from iron a shirt to fix a simple meal, teach him how! Eliminate those claims (as the excuses they are) as reasons for him not doing something. If the only things he knows how to make are spaghetti or omelets (for example) then you'll be eating a lot more of both but at least you won't have to cook on top of everything else.
  
• For any actions where a compromise is not going to work and it's not going to be good enough (e. g. tucking your son in at his proper bedtime cannot be substituted with a later tucking or no tucking), then him not doing those things has got to have some consequences that matter, and that stick.
  
• The consequence that will matter the most to him is the reduction or removal of play time. Yes, that's treating him like a teenager. News flash: he's acting like one.
  
• The vast, vast majority of video games have some form of a save function. His undoubtedly does. So he needs to save and then rejoin civilization for a lot of the things he's missing. After all, he does that when he goes to sleep. He can do it at other times during the day as well.
  
• Does he have a smartphone? Then he's got a built-in calendar with a reminder system. He needs to add his appointments as reminders and then follow them and follow through and do them, whether it's a reminder to put out the garbage or go to the dentist. There need to be measurable consequences for when he bails on an appointment. You guessed it - a reduction of play time. Oh, and if he doesn't have a smartphone, he can use Google's calendar program and have it send reminders to his computer. These days, there are few excuses for missing appointments. All you have to do is remind him to enter the appointment into his phone or calendar.
  
• Don't tiptoe around in the mornings. He stayed up late. Let him pay the price for that like everybody else does. If you stayed up late and the garbage truck woke you up, you would understand it was a direct effect of staying up late, because getting up earlier would mean you'd be in the shower or whatever at that time and the garbage truck wouldn't bother you anywhere near as much. I'm not saying you need to strike up a brass band, but go about your business and don't feel badly if you wake him up by doing the necessities of life, whether those involve flushing a toilet or starting the dishwasher or you or your son dropping something that goes down with a loud bang or crash.
  
• Has your husband done anything at all to look for work? It's not sounding like it from what I read. Maybe a system of rewards would be helpful, too, e. g. sending out X number of resumes means X more minutes of uninterrupted play time. Yes, you're treating him like a kid here. Yes, he's behaving just like one and is bringing it upon himself.
  
• Being in a parental role in what should be an equal partnership is no picnic, but you may need to do that at least for now.
  
• Oh and one more thing - your son, I take it, is not a tiny infant. So where is he learning to do chores and be responsible around the house? It's got to come from both you and your husband, but it also has to be within his capacity and allow time for homework and for socializing. A preschooler can bring dirty dishes to the sink. A grade schooler can set the table or start the dishwasher. A middle schooler can do a full load of laundry from sort to fold. And a high schooler can make a meal. Teach your son this and get your husband as involved in this as much as possible. Your husband needs to understand that his behavior could very well rub off on your child and drag it into the next generation. And, maybe, if your son is doing more than your husband is, it might give your husband pause.

Notice how I said nothing about your sex life? As for that, your best bet is probably working with your husband's doctor to get to the root of things. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that your husband is at least a little bit depressed, and that will squash a libido. The two of you should talk to your husband's doctor about how he is feeling and how his medication is affecting him. You may have other options which could help.

And hang in there. You said divorce is not an option, and I believe you. Fortunately, a lot of this can turn around - but all three of you have to be willing to make some changes.

Hi, I truly appreciate your advice. A few of the things you have suggested I have already put in motion. Like, not bringing him his food or coffee, trying not to enable him. Our son is 7, and I have really emphasized the small pieces of independence since he started school, ie... him bringing his dishes to the kitchen, cleaning his food plate into the trash, putting his clothes in the hamper, cleaning up his room and toys, him being able to make a pb&j, bowl of cereal, pour himself a drink (only for like in between times when he's hungry) And it works, because I have a reward system set up for our son, so he knows he will get a star on his start chart=reward. I do not even sleep in my own bed anymore, I hate sleeping alone, it just make me feel even more alone than I already do. Don't get me wrong, I am not afraid to be alone... but I already feel like I am alone, so that just adds to it. But I have made a point to try and do it. Today I woke up, and my son informed me dad fell asleep in the chair playing his game. Yep, he was passed out sitting in his chair, when I woke him up, I suggested going into the bedroom. He didn't can came downstairs half asleep, tried drinking the cup of coffee on the table and spilled it everywhere. He thought today was Monday, because he asked why our son wasn't in school. He does that a lot, someone will stop over the house, and in convo I will say yesterday when so and so came over. He adamantly believes it was the present day. When I tell him you got the days mixed up, he replies with, you always do this to me (like I am trying to make him think he's crazy)...I know I am right. And one time we even called the person to clarify. I thought him going to the psych would help, but he doesn't want to take the meds. He resents me I think because I haven't worked in a few years, my health really deteriorated, new health problems. He knew I had severe health problems when we got together, I worked since I was 15, and went to college. So I work from home now, but my profit isn't a lot. I am worried about trying to set a consequence for him, like you suggested. I think he will just become combative, and shoot off at the mouth how he is entitled to do what he wants since he worked for a long time. And I do agree I need to see someone too. I love him, he is my husband. I feel terrible saying this, but I feel disgusted when I see him passed out at 3pm, or knowing he is not doing anything. And I feel resentment too, because I think to myself, what if I just did the same thing, our home, and child would not go to school, eat, nothing would happen. But I don't even have that option (not that I want it), ya know what I mean? Someone has to be the adult, and I am not going to neglect any thing. Anyway, thank you so much, just knowing someone is reading this and willing to offer advise, helps me.

Oy vey, as we say in Yiddish.

First of all, your son sounds awesome and I hope he's a joy in your life.

And yeah, your husband needs help. So long as he is considered to be mentally competent, then he's got to be the one to make the decision to get treatment. And it doesn't help when depression tells someone that they don't deserve to get treatment or that treatment is useless because it didn't fix everything automatically and without any other effort.

Him losing track of days is really troubling. He is absolutely checking out of everyday life and is leaving you holding the bag. Your son needs meals, shoes, etc and if your husband bugs out then guess who gets to do those things? And you're right; someone has to be the adult. So you're elected.

Also, if he is blaming you or claiming you're essentially gaslighting him, then I'd say that's troublesome as well. You don't deserve to be blamed for having the right answer on something that, let's face it, is kinda small, so if he's turning it into a blame situation then I'd say he could really use more of an intervention, doctor-wise.

Are his parents alive and able to do anything? Whether it's to occasionally look after your son or give your husband a good talking-to or just be an ear for you, that could help. If not them, then any in-law siblings might be able to fill that niche. I am suggesting people directly related to your husband as I suspect he would be a bit more inclined to listen to them.

I, too, work from home. Does your husband think it's not real work? I know I have to be around for company Skype meetings and the like, and clock in and out for work - and I've got to be working, not doing chores unless it's something fast like rinsing a bowl and then starting the dishwasher. Do you have similar requirements at your job? Then your time on it, whether it's 9 to 5 or 8 to 4 or whatever, that's work time. It's when the phone goes on mute unless it's an emergency, and when you tune everything else out so you can get stuff accomplished. And with your husband not working, you are the one standing between your family and the social safety net.

If your husband is resenting those sorts of heroic efforts - and isn't doing anything to change things, like knuckle down and get a job (and retail is hiring this time of year like it always is - even if he has no real talent for it, he can move inventory or fold clothes. Or drive for Uber. There's lots of stuff out there that is, yes, small wages and not a lot of dignity and fun, but it's food on the table and it's getting out of the house) - then he's not living in the real world.

This is a long one, I apologize in advance, started typing, like a river it poured out!
Thank you, my son is amazing, and so resilient. He brings me so much joy and in him I know my purpose in life is great. What I do from home is fairy new, I make hand made home décor, refinish/repurpose household furniture, interior design. My health problems, leave me with days that I can barely move or move with immense pain, and on those days I can't completely rest, (because someone has to be a parent and do other things). Some days are good and I take full advantage of that. The work I do allows me to work at my own pace, on my on schedule, and the ability to go to my doctors appointments, I have a lot of them. So if I am having a bad day, I only do what I can, but still finish the jobs to make money. I could really knock the work out if he was willing to help me, or was willing to sit down to understand my vision. And help me with a business plan on a larger scale. Or, if he did some things to keep the house running, ya know. But right now, I am having to multitask everything, I start my work, get my son to school, was dishes, go back to my work, start laundry, clean the turtle tank, go back to my work.... ect. (I am not ocd, where my house must be perfect, but if my sons uniform clothes aren't washed for school that's a problem, or if the dishes are piled up, then come dinner time, I have to take and hour before cooking to wash them. leaving me with less time to work. I have asked for his assistance in re-guard to the financial brains of my business (he is excellent with numbers and math), he says, ya, acknowledging but never follows through. I have even told him about the potential for us to make sustainable income. He hasn't looked for work, he says, he wants to get his mental health in order first, because right now that's all he can handle. Which I am ok with, for a little while, as long as he really gives it go, understands he has to pitch in around the house and be a parent too. The fact he acknowledges he has mental health problems helps me feel positive. As I know, the first step to recovery is acknowledging and knowing you have a problem. I bought doughnuts this morning, while laying on the couch, he fell asleep holding the box with his hand on one of the doughnuts (like he was going to grab one). I took a picture of this, not to embarrass him, but for when we go to counseling together. Because, he is in denial of how badly he has gotten, acting like I am just trying to make him think he's crazy. I hope the picture will open his eyes, and especially to see, I am not trying to make him think he's crazy. His father is deceased, he was the one who held the family together, and would guide my husband. His mother's alive, she was a crappy/non existent mom when he was a child, which led him to juvie homes, and trouble with the law. Now, she is just like Canada. Impartial, offering no guidance, or support. In fact when she comes over to visit with our son, she just sits there to be waited on hand and foot. My mom is alive, I cannot confide in her about anything, she will just try to tell me I need to leave him and bitch. She doesn't work, I have asked for her to take my son for the day or a couple of hours, and she makes excuses. Or while my sister is at work she watches my sisters two kids, and complains three kids are too many. Which that might be true, but she could one day not watch them, to take my son. She doesn't view my job as work, to her it's a fun hobby, and I don't deserve to have her babysit for me, to have free time doing my hobby. Or if I ask her to babysit, she always asks why/what I'll be doing that I need one. Almost to see if it's a worthy reason to have her babysit. The resentment... we have never been "rich" but we have been good for the most part. Sometimes things have been tight, we've struggled due to only one line of income coming into the home. This is especially true for the past three years when my health took a nose dive. I applied for SSDI/SSI upon my doctors suggestions. I actually qualify for SSDI, I've worked enough quarters paying into it, but it takes a long time to get approval. I know once approved, two life sustaining incomes coming in will help. And, I can still do my work, but wont have to worry. Because, it does not bring in enough to support us, or if I am having a bad day, resting to feel better wont mean, a loss of income. So I think he resents we struggled while only he was working outside the home, trying to improve our financial situation to move up the ladder..... And I was not working. (Even though, I feel being a homemaker, is partly a job. Especially when he was asked to do nothing around the house at that time (don't think he would have done anything anyways on his own). He had his job, I had mine, which included everything plus more. Special meals before/after work/ break times, making his lunches, laid his clothes out, bringing him things to work, name it I did it. And his work hours were 6am to 1am or 3am, every day except Monday & Tuesday.) Once while slightly drunk, he told me, I brought nothing to the table, I chose to make my job homemaker, which didn't financially help us. He would've rather I got a job, bringing income in... And so what, when it comes to the household ect, at least we wouldn't have been struggling to make ends meet. He will live in a dirty house if it means we have extra money. He's right, in that being a homemaker doesn't reward you with an income, (Side note) unless you get divorced and file for spousal support.) But I thought we agreed I was applying for SSDI.

I have another concern, about one of my health problems. Since 2014 my liver has been in remission, its at a stage two. But I have seen how my liver can go from fine to, not fine. Then the treatments start, which last time left me bed ridden, puking every hour. The risk of increasing stages, means liver transplant, which is a really long waitlist, and all the possible complications. I know that's a lot of what if's... but that's being prepared for anything to happen. I am scared, what if something happens to me? Or I have to go through that again, or even worse? We have a son, I need to know he can handle his ****, and juggle if not all of it on his own.... Then almost all of it, with day care and other ways to assist. Thank you for taking the time to read this and your replies.

I have to run, sorry - but I did read (and I envy anyone who can visually design!).

Hang in there.

Why is your husband on medication? Does he drink, too? (Every day or to pass out)

His behavior is very disturbing and you need outside (non family) intervention.

Can you talk to his Dr. ?

He doesn't drink at all, when I said passed out, I meant as a result of not sleeping. He has insomnia, he plays his video game through the night, and then after hours of not sleeping, he crashes. His behavior is not acceptable, and concerning. However, where I get stuck, is the fact when he was working he did not play his game ever... at all. He really only had time to work, and I know when he starts working again he wont play his game. He takes medication for a health problem.