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Sat 21 Oct, 2017 06:49 am
Hi,
Got a bit of dilemma. I will try to make it short. So, a couple of years ago I met my girlfriend who is now my wife. After a couple of months, she said she was going to climb this mountain (you don’t need mountain gear) with an old male friend of hers. I asked has she ever dated him to which she replied no. So, I thought, no worries. When she returned she said in a joking fashion that she left her skirt in the back of this guy’s car…..errrrrrrr OK I thought. They were friends, and I trusted her. Thought nothing of it.
About 8 months later, my girlfriend asked if she could use my phone since her phone had a dead battery. I of course said sure. Later that day when we returned home I picked up my phone to pop on google. Upon opening google I was met by a Facebook page, I was logged into my girlfriends. She must have logged in and didn’t sign out. I was met with the messages page and one conversation stood out from all the rest. Because it had sexual content.
It turned out my girlfriend was chatting to her old friend and they were basically trying to meet up when we travelled over to see her family in another state. I confronted her about it all and at first, she said I was over reacting, then she put the blame on we have only been dating so little she was still getting used to it, then she broke down in tears and said she was sorry. So I forgave her….I loved her at the time.
Anyway, fast forward until about 4 weeks ago. My wife was supposed to meet a female friend but she left her phone at home and she accidentally went to the wrong place so she called me on a payphone to ask me to text her friend to tell her she was running late. She gave me her password to which I opened the phone and proceeded to the messages app. Before reading anything else in the message list was a conversation….yes you guessed it, to this old friend of hers.
I could see in the preview that there was something going on. I opened it and to my shock I was reading that my wife was inviting this friend over to where she was staying whilst on holiday. She was telling him to fly over and she would tell her friends that the guy just happened to be in the area. Of course, it was too short notice for him and they didn’t meet up.
That was four weeks ago from now and since reading that message I was initially very upset. Then it turned to shock then to anger. She says she loves me from time to time but I just cannot get over that she attempted to meet this guy on a holiday trip again. Love is blind I guess but now I don’t know what to do, she is all family this and family that and of course, I just can’t see passed the fact she tried to hook up with this guy again behind my back.
Love is blind and I should have guessed the from the skirt in the back of the car. But I honestly thought, that that sort of thing could happen.
Any suggestions, criticism or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Confused.
By not confronting her about this infidelity, you basically give her permission to continue this long- term affair. This "friendship" has deep roots and sounds like you just know about few times she slipped- up in hiding their actions. .
Go to marriage counseling asap.
@Strewth,
Strewth wrote: I just can’t see passed the fact she tried to hook up with this guy again behind my back.
which is worse?
that she tried to hook up with someone or that she did it behind your back
seriously. pick one. don't say they're the same. they are two different issues.
which is worse? think about it really hard.
My response about what to do will likely be more questions (I'm all about questions to try and figure out what's really bugging people) but sorting out whether the infidelity or the lie is the part that is really problematic for you.
__
I can tell you that after a lot of thinking about it, I determined that lying (directly or by omission) is a much bigger relationship problem than infidelity is - for me. As long as my partner is honest and I know they're coming home to me, I don't care much about sexual fidelity. Lying is the deal-breaker for me.
___
Sort out your own answer to that very basic question. Honesty or fidelity? which is the must-have.
Talk to your wife about this. Do it in the presence of a counsellor if you don't think you can do this unguided.
@PUNKEY,
Hi Punkey,
Thank you for the response. I have been stewing on this since I read that text four weeks ago and its starting to show in my actions. I cant be bothered with this anymore, I am tired of trying and forgiving. Even if we did go to counselling, I could never really trust her again. Could you?
She is heading over to the state see family and it just so happens its the same state this guy lives in. I am not going as I am busy with other stuff and I have been the last 8 times so you tend to get a little bored.
Thanks again for the reply, it was good too share.
@ehBeth,
Hi Ehbeth,
You are right, the lying was awful and it hurt me quite badly but when you're in love you tend to forgive. I could confront her and ask if she was in contact with anyone whilst she was away and see what her reply is. If she lies then I guess I have my answer.
Lying and of course arranging to meet someone behind my back are definite deal breakers in my book, the latter being the worst you could do to someone who you supposedly love.
My partner lies and to tell you the truth, I cannot completely trust her, especially after this.
As mentioned in the previous reply, I will see what happens after she visits family in the other state. I may have to check her phone, something I have never done in the past but it gives me concrete evidence of whats happened....then it would be worth it.
Thanks again for your reply. It was just such a relief to speak to someone about, even though its online. Thanks again.
@Strewth,
Anymore advice would be greatly appreciated if anyone has any
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