Death of a friend 10 years ago..

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I'm not sure about posting this, To be honest I'm not really sure about sharing this story with anyone. But here goes...

10 years ago, I had a best friend die due to a self-inflicted gun shot wound. I feel it was the hardest thing I have ever had to cope with. So many things left unsaid, undone...so much anger over it. I grieved till I didn't think I could grieve anymore over the loss. I still miss him....and I'm still angry at him.....to think of what he's missed out on....

What provoked this thread was dlowans suggestion to share it with someone...and a dream of him. .. Which I haven't had in years. I dreamed he was holding me, kissing me and telling me he still loved me.......that he always would. It was very real........I honestly felt like I could feel him....smell him.....

He was a good man, young, good looking.......talented. He had a silk voice that would just make you melt when he crooned love songs to you. A sense of humor that kept you in laughing even when you wanted to choke him. Had a wild side to him.......a lil bit of a bad boy but in all honesty...a momma's boy.

We shared wild rides to the county line, deer hunting.....relationship problems. We drank together, sang together.......laughed and talked about everything. He'd come to my house and cook dinner for us....we'd fish....tell stories till the wee hours of the night and then get up and hang out all the next day.

He was the first one to know that I was pregnant with my first child. I remember the excitement on his face...I never uttered the words, "I am pregnant", to him.....the look on my face was enough that he knew what I wanted to say. HE couldn't wait for my husband to get in the house so I could tell him ......he promised me, that he wouldn't tell the rest of our friends, so WE could tell them. That boy had done told the entire community within a few hours.....our secret was out.

Nine months........and a baby due. During which time he had married and was expecting his first child also. I remember going into labor and wondering when he'd be there to share this memory too? A couple of days passed and he didn't show. I was upset, but understood that he had a wife that was pregnant...a job, and very little time on his hands. 4 days after the birth of our son, we had to put him back in the hospital...and I remember wondering about my friend. No show still..........6th day comes, I'm a total wreck, no sleep....in the last 36 hours...people are showing up at the hospital, there are whispers among them. Phone calls are coming into the room, no one wants to speak to me. More silence, more whispers. Finally.....my husband gets there.....something is up. I wasn't told gently. THERE is NO WAY to tell this to someone gently. Total denial.....NOOO, NOO NOOO were the words I remember screaming as I was told that he had killed himself. NO WAY.....it was some sort of sick joke they were playing. Total anger took over.....there was no way he would do THAT!!! I locked myself in the bathroom by myself...I remember shaking and trying to wash the tears out of my face...I don't know how long I cried.....between the lack of sleep, the worry about the lil one and the death of a friend...I honestly didn't think I would make it that week.

Come to find out, his temper got the best of him. His wife and him had a simple arguement that progressed into a heated battle of the tongues. One thing lead to another and he told her he'd show her. In front of his pregnant wife and a friend that he rode to work with, he pulled a pistol out of his truck and stuck it in the roof of his mouth and pulled the trigger.
Brett was buried 3 days later. I didn't get to go to his funeral.......

And I guess I'm still angry over it. So many things left unsaid and left undone...Brett would have been 34 this up and coming March. He left behind a wife, and an unborn child. She's now a lil over the age of 9. And the spittin' image of him. She's a beautiful lil girl......same smile he had...he would have enjoyed being with her......

I guess my dream was his way of visiting...as a friend suggested. Cause to bring him up, just brings tears...I still miss him and I still love him...And to this day...would give anything to hear him sing me a song...just one more time.

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Makemeshiver--

The Holiday Season is a time for counting the harvest of the year. Some years the harvest is only bitter herbs. Sometimes the harvest is mixed. some years there are parts of the harvest that you pretent aren't there.

Given the birth of your baby and your son's tenuous hold on life, your best friends suicide must have been both untimely and inconvenient.

I'm not putting you down. I'm not discounting your son's needs. I'm saying that now, 2004, that you have been given permission to grieve. Babies--especially needy babies come before dead friends.

Your dream told you that you postpone grief--and that you need to grieve to become whole again. Grieve., for yourself, for your friend, for your life without him.

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I don't know what to say, I'm at a loss for words MMS.
Maybe this dream was showing you that he's asking you
to forgive him, and that you should let go of the anger
and sorrow he has caused you.

It could be time to reflect on the good memories you've
shared and emphasize not too much on how his life ended.

If he had died from an accident, your grief would have
been different, wouldn't it?

My heart goes out to you MMS, I only can imagine how
painful such an experience must be for everyone involved,
and I do hope that you'll find peace within yourself to
be able to forgive him.

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How difficult to have to deal with such a death, just as you were dedicated to - and fearing for - a new life. I cannot imagine the emotional contortions that must have needed - how you must have needed NOT to let yourself down into the grief, to nurture the new little one - but have known you needed to let yourself grieve...

You mention the anger, (normal) and the grief.

Most deaths - and every suicide, especially, I have ever heard tell of, also leaves people with irrational guilt - the "what ifs", and the "if only I hads".

Have you let that part out????

I doubt it was as simple as him "his temper got the best of him". I wonder what marriage and a coming baby triggered in him of the past, for instance. As you know, these things bring up memories and hurts and hopes and fears.

People have their reasons for these things - they may not make sense - did you not go to his funeral because of anger???? To protect yourself for your baby?

Have you been to his grave, or had some little goodbye ceremony for him?

SOMETHING is working in you about him. It is fine to share it here, if you are comfortable - but doing so with friends who also knew him, whom you really trust (as you could not really trust him - what do you think that was about?? Why was he "wild" but a "mama's boy" do you think?) sounds likea dman fine thing, too.

Care to tell us more about how you met - all that???

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Noddy, CJ..& Dlowan, Thank you for your words...

I have known him my whole life. We were in school together, but were not close. I knew him, he knew me. It was a year or so after him graduating high school that he went to work on a local ranch. The local ranch that I lived on for years. The people that owned it were another set of my husband and my friends. Together....all of us, and the rest of our entire group become buddies. If he wasn't with them, he was with us...or some other part of our group, that eventually would end up all together at some point during the night or weekend. In all...I think there is about 16-20 of us that have been close for all these years.

WE all just clicked..and that was history. He's the reason I don't eat bell peppers anymore. And I still laugh about that. He had cooked us some of his famous fajitas and him and I had a lil too much to drink. Lets just say that bell peppers aren't the same coming up as they are going down.

There are so many memories...and they are good ones, except for the last one.

I think he had a need to be a bad boy....about half the men that we had in our group were bad boys..maybe it was his way on the outside to fit in....but on the inside he was so kind and loving. So tender hearted. Very respectful toward us ladies...and if our husbands didn't do to suit him...he'd pick up and do what needed to be done. I don't mean that he'd butt in...it was a hug, a pat......a kind word. He'd search the ends of the earth for something that we needed if we or they couldn't find it. He'd go that extra mile...that why I say he was a momma's boy. He was best friends with her and I think that made a world of difference in his perception of women. They shared so much. I can't look at his mother to this day that I don't get tears in my eyes. And its not fair to her, for me, to be that way...it makes me feel awful.

A few months after his death...she wanted us to come to her house to visit...and spend some time with her. It was a very intense evening. The strange thing about it was it more like group therapy..and she was the therapist. She questioned us about him.....and we her. I remember us all breaking down and crying...and it was her that was telling us that it was alright to be mad and angry...to let it out. Her being the strong one.....Just like he would have done.

I'm sure your right about his temper not being the only thing. They were young and not married long when they found out she was pregnant. I'm not sure what was going on there...I don't think he was happy. He never let us in on that part. But by his actions and the looks on his face, you could kinda tell something didn't seem to be right. And thats where the "what if's" come into play. What if I had asked...or been there more for him then.

I didn't go to his funeral because I was still in the hospital with the lil one. My husband wouldn't go...matter of fact, he's never talked about it much either. Our friends.....well, its just not one of our favorite topics. I did make the trip to his graveside. Only once...it was hard. And part of me, feels guilty for not going to his funeral. But my child come first....

And I agree, something is working on me about him. But I just don't know what...or for what reason. Unless its to ease my anger over his death now.

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You know the "what ifs" are a normal response - not because you could have done something???

Why so angry?

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Because she feels abandon dlowan. She feels he let her
down, left her, did not consider her in the equation.

MMS I like your style of writing, it's so vivid and emotional, I got drawn into your story, as had I been there too.

After all these years of anger over his death, I think
you've come to a cross road where you'll let go of that
and make peace with yourself and him. He's earned it
and you'll feel at ease once you let go.

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CalamityJane wrote:

Because she feels abandon dlowan. She feels he let her
down, left her, did not consider her in the equation.

Of course - but sometimes it helps to look rationally at the reasons - it probably isn't helping any to continue to feel so angry - I was wanting to hear what MMS herself has to say about HER reasons.

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MMS, Strangely you and I share a common bond. So many of our friends committed suicide over the years. Although I cannot empathize with you over your exact situation, I know the feeling of loss and frustration. Was there something that I could have done? and then you suddenly realize that there was nothing...nothing. He made a giant mistake when he didn't give you the support that you needed, and I suspect that you know that, too. Eventually, I believe that figured into his final moments, and the resulting dream. Try to begin to live now, MMS, and cherish your life and the life of your family. Much love, honey. Thanks for telling us here.

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Dlowan, I'm not sure why I'm so angry..I honestly can't tell you why. I just am...have been and will be till I make peace with it. And still not sure if I'm ready to make peace with him yet.

Cj...your right, I do feel like he didn't think about anyone other than himself at the moment. Which I know in a situation like that, your not rational...you don't think.

I think about that lil girl that he left behind...even though there are no memories of him in her mind...except the ones that his family have given her. What a miracle to miss out on.

My son being born...he would have taken to him like he was his own. Every child I knew, loved him dearly. The four kids that lived on the farm...that he spent a major amounts of time with, were hurt. Matter of fact, they still to this day, don't really know the truth of the situation. They were so little and thought he had hung the moon, that they weren't told what really happened to protect them.

His mother, father...brother and sister were left with many words unspoken and soooo heartbroken. It wasn't fair to them.

His touched so many people in his life.....his laughter, sense of humor...his voice that could make the hair on your neck stand up...give you goose bumps to listen too him sing.

I just dunno.....

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Something else,...I will never forget the birth of either of my children. Which I know...no one does.

But my first child...him knowing first....the smile on his face when he said those words. I remember how thrilled he was, the hug I got.....the kiss on my cheek. His excitement growing while we waited for what seemed and enternity till the husband walked through the door. We looked like we were up to no good, with those **** eatin' grins on our faces.

I remember asking after my son was born if he was there? Nope.....I asked if someone had told him...and they all said "Yes". He knows.....

I was so disapointed when he never showed up...

Then to go through putting the lil one back into the hospital...and more waiting.

The afternoon they told me...I already had a feeling that something was wrong with everything that had been going on. The phone calls...the whispers...something wasn't right. First off, I thought they were hiding something about the lil one and they were afraid to tell me. When I was told that he was dead, I really thought it was some sort of sick joke, I even looked around at the door to see if he was coming in....I don't think I ever accepted it, till later on.......

It was just a terrible moment.....like a bad dream, and I was hoping lilke hell I was going to wake up.

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And then there's his wife. Whatever part she had as part of his life, the suicide must have been very distressing, even if she covered her feelings with bravado.

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Yes, Osso...I could never in my life...understand how in the world she could have felt. I, imagine anger too. She cut herself off from his family and friends wherever she could. If it hadn't been for his mother being so addiment about being apart of the lil girls life, that would have never happened. She has since remarried and he has been the father to the lil girl ever since.

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Well, good.

Whatever level of culpablility one has in an arguing situation - or thinks one does, afterwards - one doesn't "deserve" the other person to kill themselves. That must be terrible to go through.

And from his view... what despair.

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