Everything before the "but" is bullsh*t

good phrase. I should post a note by my computer with those words on it.

hmm.. I have heard that turned AROUND .
Everthing after the but is bullshit.
That depends on what you are speaking about.
I have noticed, when people ramble for an excuse,you usually HAVE to wait for the but before you can sift through the b-s.
HAve you been trying to make excuses in your life?

Maybe you can take a sentance/idea/problem that you have been dealing with lately, write it down WITH the but included. Use the BUT as a sentance -seperator- and look at it as 2 diffrent statements.
There is the statement that was BEFORE the but and the one that is AFTER.
Would that help you see things diffrently?

i usually just live by the motto "everything is bullsh*t"

Maybe I need to try to write it down without the "but" at all. Before or after, there really isn't much difference, is there?

I can understand the "but" when we want to spare someone's feelings...

"I like you but......"
"I'd love to but...."

I'm usually not the excuse type so I'm really wondering why I am "but"ting myself so much lately.

I used to be the other extreme, djjd, and believed that it was all important. I know now that it isn't. It isn't quite all bullshit either though.

All generalizations--including this one--are suspect.

Some people tell the truth--to others and to themself--and some people fudge and fib and downright lie.

You must consider both the source and the situation.

You also must remember that you have as many rights as the person who evokes your "but":

SITUATION: Babysitting

I'd love to babysit tomorrow...but...I have other plans.

Maybe you wouldn't "love" to babysit--maybe the kid is a brat and the mother never returns favors--but you are entitled to have "other plans" which do not involve babysitting.

Probably you should downgrade "love" to "like" or simply sail into "I'm sorry but...."

"Other plans" is a vague, but acceptable excuse. Lying about your grandmother's funeral or out of town guests or coming down with a cold.... All of these lies/fibs/spurrious reasons mean that you don't have the guts to say no.

My personal off-the-hook syntax (usually delivered as part of an internal monologue) is:

I draw myself up to my full height and declaim: "A Good Woman would:

Deal immediately with those mouse droppings in the silverware drawer.

Listen for the umpteenth time to a spousal rant on bruised bananas.

Put down this marvelous fantasy novel and go balance the checkbook.

Agree to be a gracious hostess to a very unpleasant member on the fringe of Mr. Noddy's extended family.

Then I recognize that I'm not a Good Woman 24/7. Maybe I'll deal with the major problem. Maybe I'll wash the silverware I'm going to use and pay only surface attention to the Banana Monologue. Maybe I'll finish my book and maybe I'll balance the checkbook.

Hostess to the Fringe is a chore that deserves negotiation. If I put up with so-and-so, you will owe me such-and-such.

I do not feel guilty about my decisions, compromise nor not. Why should I? I own my own time. I have a limited amount of energy which has to be rationed. Decisions about my time and my energy are mine to make.

everything from the bull's butt is bullsh*t

I understand the need for "but"ting in polite society. I have no problem with turning people down and sparing their feelings at the same time.

Its when I but myself that I start wondering which side of the but is the truth and which is not entirely true.

I think the holiday is bringing me a lot of butting.

Like....

I'm glad I've not had to deal with him BUT it pisses me off that Mo's dad hasn't bothered to contact him.

Or....

We don't really celebrate Christmas BUT damnit, I would really like to have Mo around to spend the day with.

One part of my equation must be truer than the other.

What would The Good Woman do?

Why?

I can see how there is space for both.

If you're saying that you feel guilty about the part after the but and that's why you preface it the way you do, definitely, don't feel guilty. All eminently reasonable.

But the before-the-but part sounds true enough, too.

Uh-oh, I used "but"...

Glad you mentioned that, Boomerang. I never thought of it, but it sounds true.

I guess it also depends a little bit on how these monologues translate to action.

Like, if you have made some arrangements for Mo to spend Christmas elsewhere, or are in the process of doing so, and plain don't wanna, that's important. If it's about not being so accommodating, being a little more hard-nosed about doing what's right for you and your family and if that makes things difficult for others, well, that's unfortunate but too bad (but again!), I'm all for it.

YOU are Mo's family -- that's not zero sum, there are others who are in his family too, but (gawd) some days are more zero-sum than others. Like Christmas.

Ok. this is a perfect example of how I solve my 'but' issues..
I am going to use your statement Boom..

_____________________________________
I'm glad I've not had to deal with him BUT it pisses me off that Mo's dad hasn't bothered to contact him.

____________________________________

This statement alone.. is 2 problems. I dont see any bullshit. I see painful reality. The reality that Mo is your child.. but you dont seem to get that recognition when it comes to what his 'other'family wants.
( I hope... I HOPE.. one day that changes for you. )
So... in my little world, when I have a BIG BUT..
well.. i DO have a big but. hehe

I take the sentance and use the but as a seperator.
Wich makes your statement read like this:
" I am glad I do not have to deal with him"
" It pisses me off Mo's dad hasnt bothered to contact him"
2 problems. 2 diffrent issues.
Addressing them that way may help you loose the guilt feeling that comes with the ' but'. It helps to keep things in perspective. At least for me..

I am about to reach the point of no return in my ramblings.. hehe..
maybe, as i said before, this may help you. Im sorry that this time of year is hard on you because you have to deal with mo's other family.
The good woman would do what you do... talk.. ask questions and not be afraid to say No.

Boomerang--

You're entitled to be a complex--even a slightly conflicted person.

I forget which Mighty Philosopher ranked actions according to the greatest good for the greatest number. Mo's extended family may be happy--and there may be more of them than there are of you.

Still, consider that you are the sun and the moon and the ever-fixed stars in Mo's universe. That role bestows upon you the right for a certain amount of justified discontent.

The first Mr. Noddy was not a pleasant person when crossed. Keeping this in mind, I agreed that our sons would spend all Christmas Days with him.

I didn't even feel guilty about being conflicted. Christmas is a family holiday. Divorce requires considerable compromise. You don't have to like being a Good Woman.



You're speaking from at least two points of view here: Boomerang the Sensible and Mo's Mother. Why does one persona have to speak more truth than the other?


Practically speaking, can you create some personal rituals for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? Make it clear to Mo that he is a special person and deserves several days of uncommon festivity.

He's already noticing that his family is more complicated than other families--shouldn't his holiday have a few glorious complications as well?

Hold your dominion.

Mo and I went to see his sisters today. We dropped off their Christmas presents and had a good visit with grandpa (who is bearing the brunt of twin raising). He is a real softie for someone who appears so rough around the edges.

They are such sweet little girls, very affectionate. They seem to really like me and it makes me sad that I see so little of them.

They were in the studio for photos a few weeks ago and grandpa had requested a photo of Mo. I thought that was very nice so we took them one today.

ANYway......

<sigh>

I guess I do feel guilty or at the very least, selfish, by wanting Mo to be here for the holiday.

Which is really kind of stupid because Christmas is not a big deal around our house. For so many years it was just me and Mr. B lounging around picnicking on our favorite foods. Mo did change that dynamic.

Feelings of selfishness infect too many parts of my life. I'm not good at selfish. That is probably why I tend to be a hermit, doormat being the other side of the coin.

You know, soz, the whole thing that started all of my butting was being hard nosed. Auntie called to find out holiday plans. I told her that Mo's mom had said blah blah blah BUT that I really wanted Mo to spend part of the day at home, with us. Today I got a call from Mo's mom to <ahem> clarify her plans since Auntie had called her in a tizzy.

And you're right shewolf, it is two different problems. BUT what is right for me and what is the right thing for me to do for Mo's sake are not always the same thing.

And thank you, asking questions is something that I'm getting better and better at.

(And your butt looks positively perfect from here.)

It can be so hard to be good, Noddy.

I had a question up not long ago about the definition of "true love". I don't remember the exact quote I cited right now but it was essentially about doing a bunch of other crap for other people when you'd really rather be selfish.

Clearly, you understand the trueness of love.

We have created our own special holidays - we celebrate what we call festivus week that begins on January 11 (the day before Mo moved in with us) and runs to January 17 (the day after his birthday). We also celebrate "Family Day" on July 8, the day that we were granted psychological parent status by the court.

Two more reasons why it is stupid for me to get bent out of shape over having to share him on holidays.

Without doubt, I am socially retarded and this kind of social complexity is too often more than I can handle.

I have a mixed reaction, quite natural of course!
I see you as Mo's legal guardian. Are there court appointed visiting days for the birth parents?

Christmas is a holiday that has communty significance, and it may gain in his eyes as significant with time. His spending it with birth parent may gain in weightiness for him with time, vis a vis that is somehow such a special day.

On the other hand, I see the point of it, as it is not a religious day for you. Is it for birth mom? And I can understand sharing him on special days.

I'd be conflicted myself, and concerned, as you are, with figuring out what is best for him in the long run.

I guess I worry about the long haul, whether birth mom + boyfriend will be angling to get him back at some point, and wooing him with tree lights and toys.., and I don't know your feelings about that.

So, but, y'know, I don't know....

Hi osso.

Legally I'm a step beyond legal guardian, in that we are called his psychological parents. In the eyes of the law, we are his parents and either of his birth parents would have a very difficult time reclaiming him as their own child.

Mr. B calls the one's that woo with gifts and delights "glamour parents" and that is something in which he has some experience. He warns me that there will come a day when the glamour might become attractive enough to cause some major complications.

Neither side of his birth family is religious but religion doesn't seem to have much to do with Christmas anymore, does it?

I hate to say this but honestly it seems to be more of an ownership thing for them than anything else. Sometimes they all make me feel like a lovely babysitter who has given up years of her life to make theirs a bit easier. At other times they do seem to realize that I am the parent of Mo.

That is all sort of covering what I am getting at in my own scramble to understand... that if only for assertiveness of being the Parent.. I might claim the day. They could take boxer day. Perhaps a little late to rearrange this year, but I'd think about it long term. You aren't the babysitters. And the aunt isn't the decider. You set the plans with pleasant firmness.

Boomerang--

I'm not a Christian, but I can tell you that the Virgin Mary found that stable cold and uncomfortable. The last thing she wanted after hours of labor was visiting shepherds followed by visiting wise men.

Note: Nairy a woman on the visiting list.

You've got a really cruddy situation. Aim high for a role model.

Mother to Mo. Mother to Mother of Mo. Mother to Father of Mo if he ever bothers to show up. Kin-by-recognition of Mo's half-sisters' Grandfather.
Tight-lipped kin of Mo's pot-smoking family connections.

You are inhabiting that mystic territory between Good Woman and Anointed Saint.

In your territory you get to set some rules:

See more of the half-blood twins and grandpapa. You deserve all the\
pleasant times you can harvest from this situation.

Assert yourself as Psychological Parent to act in Mo's best interests.
Refuse to be cowed by the critters who provided his genetic material.
You can only deal with two generations of children at a time--that's you,
Mr. B. and Mo.

For example: Mo and I talked it over and he'd like to spend Good Friday
with his sisters and Easter Saturday with you and be with us on Sunday
so the Easter Bunny knows where to find him.....

Plans are set. This holiday Mo will spend much of his time elsewhere,
BUT you can plan and execute a totally loving homecoming because
you've missed him so much. Bury him with tinsel when he comes
through the door to his home.

Glamour parents? Do you really think you can be replaced by a 10
speed bike? Or a motorcycle? Or a Mustang? Come on!

Hold your dominion--and happy imperfect holidays. Remember simple, biological families also are prone to imperfect holidays.

Talk about complicated family relationships - Mary must have really had her hands full explaing all of that to a teenage Jesus.

You guys are right. It is time to start establishing some ground rules.

Mo's birthday is coming up so now is a good time to jump the hurdles so he doesn't have to have more nuttiness on another birthday.

I feel better for having confessed to my inner Sybil.

Tinsel at the ready.

Domion holding.

Go boomer.

Btw the Christmas thing totally makes sense to me. E.G. and I were not big Christmas celebrators either. He actively dislikes (disliked) the holiday, I'm half-Jewish and certainly like it but it wasn't a Big Deal. That changed for us when the kid arrived, too. Especially this age. She's old enough to have some traditions set and remember things -- oh, I remember that ornament! Remember when we...? -- but still young enough that everything is wonderful and perfect. She regularly pauses in front of the Christmas tree on her way somewhere, sighs, breathes "it's just so beautiful...", sighs again, and then goes on her way.

Anyway, glad you're feeling better about ground rules. Go for it.