Mon 14 Aug, 2017 08:41 am
Let me start out by saying my BF is very loving and we have a great relationship except for this one problem. We have been dating sense we were 18 & he was always slow to do things (hold hands, kiss, etc.). But he was very romantic and loving so I was patient. I found out early on when we did start doing sexual things that one of his rules was no penetration. As in, he wouldn't penetrate me, even when I let him know I was on the pill. We did a lot of other things though and I just accepted it, we never talked about it though. It's more like when I would move to climb on top of him or something he would just disingage. We managed a full sex life though with oral and manual and occasionally, only if I asked, he would penetrate me with a sex toy instead.
Fast forward until we are 24 and we decide (well I decided, he is a little slow for these things, but he seemed eager about the idea) to move in together for our 6th aniversery and that's when it started to get a little weird. I get out of the shower one day and I'm walking into the bedroom and he just gently stops me. He takes of my towel and arranges me face down on the bed. I didn't resist, usually when he does something like this he is starting to give me a message (probably with a happy ending for both of us) & that's where I thought this was headed. Than he climbs up on top of me and starts to clumsily probe between my legs with his dick. I didn't know what to make of it, but I thought 'okay, he is finally going for it & without me having to encourage it, so I shouldn't discourage it'. I reach around to try and help guide him in, but he gently yet firmly moves my hand back to the bed then turns my head away when I try to look at him. He finds his way in and about all I can say in favor of it was that it's quicker than he usually is. It kind of hurt because I wasn't prepared for it and after he just got up and left the room. I felt like I had just hallucinated the whole thing and started to seriously doubt it had even happened because it was just so out of character.
Thing return to normal for the rest of the month, then next month something happens again. This time, we are watching a movie and there is a really great sex scene & it's kind of turning me on. So I start rubbing him through his shorts hoping he will reciprocate (which he usually does) except instead he lays me back on the couch gently. I'm thinking, score! He is going down on me, even better! Except, nope, he pulls down my underwear (I was wearing a skirt) and just starts going at it like last time. This time I can see his face though and he almost looks like he is in pain. He wont meet my gaze and he pulls down the Afghan on our couch to cover my face before he finishes! Honestly, I was just so shocked I just lay there and let him. I could still see him through the blanket and he actually started crying. Than he finishes and gets off of me and just sits there on the couch almost like nothing happened except I can still see he is really upset. I just got up and went into the bathroom to clean myself up and bawl my eyes out because I didn't know what the **** just happened.
Than again, things return to normal for a month. If anything he seems even more caring and attentive than before, he even starts offering to use sex toys on me without me having to beg for it. Which is really unusual. So I'm thinking 'okay, maybe he was just clumsily making his first forays into really penetrating me it was just awkward the first few times'. I'm just hoping that if he tried again he will spend some time warming me up first. One day we go out to a restaurant and I head to the bathroom (it was one of those single bathrooms you have to lock) and I'm surprised when he slips in right behind me. He gently moves me over to the sink, bends me over it, & tries to unbutton my jeans and pull them down. I'm pretty sure I know what's coming at this point, so I try to help him get my pants off so we can get this over with quickly (we had never had sex in a public place and I was honestly mortified at the idea) but he stopped me again and continues to do it himself. I try to look at him in the mirror, but he gently moves my head so it's pointing down at the sink. At this point I go along with it to get out of the situation. He finishes and just leaves me there like that in the bathroom. I'm so shocked I just stand there like a dumbass until someone starts to come into the bathroom. I have to lunge across the bathroom to slam the door closed with my pants around my ankles. I was so upset that when I came out I just went out into the car and waited for him to get the picture and come out too. The next day he was super nice and romantic. He really pulled out all of the stops and did everything he knows I love. He cleaned the entire house, had my favorite meal waiting for me when I got home, gave me a foot message and everything. No mention of what happened yesterday though and no outright apology.
You can probably see what's coming next, right? Yep! About 2 weeks ago it happened again. This time he woke me up in the middle of the night trying to just pull my pajama bottoms down. I had enough at this point so I grabbed my pajamas and told him firmly no! I told him he was hurting me and that I didn't like it! He looked like I had slapped him and I immediately felt really bad about it, because he had never tried anything sexual before without me pushing him toward it. I felt like I was stifling him or something, but I couldn't do it again. He gets up without a word and leaves the room. I can hear him pacing in the other room. Than he comes in and he has his dick out and he is dry rubbing it really hard and it looks really painful. So I try to take care of it for him, but he just leaves the room without a word. When he comes back in again we are both crying and I just have no ******* idea what to do. He is clearly in a lot of pain (both physical and mental) so I tell him 'fine, but you can't make me not look at you and you have to use lube, that **** hurts when I'm not ready for you.' I'm half expecting him to laugh and make a joke about the entire thing like he would if he were acting normal, but all he does is get this relieved look on his face and grab the lube. He tried to flip me over on my stomach again but I wouldn't let him. He wouldn't look at my face the entire (at the this point thank god very short) time. Afterword he just rolled over and started crying. I was crying pretty hard too and all my anger had desolved into a pretty serious concern for my BF. I eventually got him to roll over and snuggle me, but he just wouldn't say anything no matter how hard I tried to get him to open up.
After he pulled out all the stops again and I came home to a house full of flowers (which I was privately very touched by and pissed at the same time. That **** is expensive and is just going to die in a few days!). I honestly don't know what to think of it. Part of me wants to just accept this from him if it's what he needs but lay down a few ground rules. I can put up with it if it's only once a month and it's going to prevent him from going through that kind of distress, right? Except part of me keeps worrying about the next two weeks and wondeing every day if it's going to happen again.
Does anyone have any experience with something like this? He isn't violent when he does it, other than not waiting for me to get warmed up, in fact he is gentle and it seems like if I tell him no strongly enough he won't do it. But it causes him so much pain I just know whenever he is going through one of these fits that I will give in to ease his pain. Before you say we should break up know that it's not an option! I love him and won't leave him, especially to go through whatever this is alone. Before this happened I was invisioning me asking him to marry me, I was even looking into wedding rings & thinking of how I could propose. I know he would never ask me, that's just not the way he is.
Do you think he was abused in the past? I'm not sure I could get him to see a phycologist, he won't even open up to me about it, but we have to do something!
It sounds like he's got rape fantasies (note: I am not a doctor).
Either way, I think the guy could use some serious counseling. In the meantime, you don't have to take it. Ever. No matter how lovely he is the other 99% of the time, this is not what you signed on for.
Rape fantasies? I honestly hadn't even considered that. Idk, maybe, but other than the fact that he is penetrating me when he usually wouldn't & that he doesn't spend anytime on forplay, he isn't violent at all. The one time I told him no he stopped too, until I gave in again. I can try to talk to him about it though. Honestly, I would be fine with playing out a rape fantasy if that's what he wanted though. It would be a relief if that's all it was. How do I bring up counseling with him?
I'd like to suggest that perhaps he was abused or in an incestual relationship with someone in the past OR he is still a clumsy 18 year old who doesn't know how to make love to a woman and is scared/ fascinated of penetration.
But some questions:
Does he EVER look at you during the "normal" times? Face to face?
He is willing to use sex toys and oral sex, on you, but stops with vaginal penetration? What is his role in these trysts? Is he assertive or taking directions from you on what you want.?
Is he trying anal sex with you or vaginal sex from the back?
A couples sex therapist would help sort all this out. But this has gone on for 6 years and he may be dumbfounded that you bring it up now as a problem.
Sounds a lot like a friend's ex-husband who turned out to be gay. He couldn't look at her while they had sex and preferred to be behind her as he wasn't comfortable with her breasts touching him. He didn't really care for girlie bits.
Thank goodness she finally moved out and both of them are in healthier relationships. She's great friends with his husband (of 12 years now), and he gets along well with her current partner.
we do look at each other during what passes for normal for us. Clearly not so much with oral, but we do when co-stimulating (is there a word for that?). IDK though. Now I'm doubting how much we actually look at each other. I mean, I don't think we really stare into our eyes during, but we kiss and look at each other.
Those two activities make up the bulk of our sex life. Before move in the closest thing to penetration was when he would use sex toys on me (typically vibrates). But this was previously a very rare occurrence. Like, for my birthday rare. Sense he does it more but I think it's because he feels guilty.
I think he is trying for vaginal penetration. Though, I can't be sure. When he gets into what I've started (mentally) referring to as one of his fits he doesn't seem to want my help at all. So he has missed a little and gone in the wrong hole before. Honestly, this is one of the worst parts. I'm kind of afraid it will lead to infections :-/ plus, not fun...
I've almost always been the one who starts things with us. At least new stuff. Like when we started kissing, the first time we did oral or stimulated each other. Idk about in normal everyday sex for us. I guess I do mostly. But he does a lot of planned out and spontaneous romantic stuff too. Like, he does most of our date planning & things.
OMG, my heart started racing so bad when I read your post. It would be the end of my world if my BF was gay. It would explain so many things, like this weird thing about penetrating me, and how he is so sensitive.
I think I'm going to cry.
Better to know now, rather than later. It's probably a good time to sit down and have a conversation with him about his sexuality and where you both see things heading. Nothing accusatory. More like - let's get the truth on the table.
If he is gay, he might be terrified of admitting it.
I am sorry this is happening, but like I said, better now, before a marriage certificate, before co-owning a house, before a child is born.
Your right. I have been ignoring this problem for too long. I was hoping to find some sort of easy answer here. Like maybe someone had gone through something similar and it would just be some sort of mental illness or abuse and we could get through it by going to a councilor together. I'll have to try and talk to him about it but part of me doesn't know how to after so many years of silence. I'm also really worried about the answer.
I am such a piece of ****.
Do you know why I love my BF so much? It's because he was the only person there for me during the hardest part of my life. When I turned 18 I came home and found all of my stuff on the front porch of my house. My parents had kicked me out. And they didn't just kick me out, they had canceled my phone, taken my car keys, and drained my bank account which I had opened jointly with my mom. It was the worst day of my life. After having to stand there and listen to my mom go on about how I had ruined her life and finding out that I been an accident and being told that all I had ever been was a drain on their resources who prevented them from traveling I had to take what I could carry and walk away with no destination in mind.
I wound up walking to the two closest "friends" I could make it to on foot and being told they were sorry for me but they couldn't help me. I wound up at a McDonalds pretty late at night because I just didn't know where to go. My future BF was there, working the late shift. We knew each other from highschool but we hadn't really been friends. I was a huge mess, exasusted from lugging a couple of suitcases around and I had been crying pretty bad. I can't imagine what I looked like. I didn't have any money and I was alone.
He came out to my table and asked me what was wrong. It all sort of came spilling out of me. The intire fight with my mom on the porch, how my dad hadn't even come out to even tell me to go away, he cared about me that little. How I was alone and without any friends who woule help me and how I had no idea what to do. Thinking back on it I realize how stupid I was. I had just told a almost complete stranger how no one would miss me if I disappeared. I think I was naive that I would have died if I hadn't ran in to him that night. If I had run into someone else instead of someone as good as him. His shift ended at midnight and like a freaking naive little girl I got in his car because he told me he would take me to a women shelter he knew about. The amazing thing is, he actually did, instead of killing and raping me like the fool I was leaving myself open to be. But it was closed for the night, so he sat there in the car with me and talked until I fell asleep. In the morning he went in with me and helped me sign up for help.
He was almost a complete stranger and he helped me when I one else would. Over the next 6 months he took care of me. He got me food and deodrent, and helped me buy clothes from good will so I could good enough to interview for jobs. He would give me a ride to the YMCA the day of an interview so I could shower and pick me up and drop me off at the interview. I mean, my god, he even stood in the grocery line with me and got me tampons. I don't think I could have made it those 6 months without him.
When I had been at the shelter for 6 months I had one of the scariest experiences of my life. Another women there woke me up in the middle of the night with a pillow over my face. I thought I was going to die. She was a bully and I had gotten on her bad side. She pulled the pillow back and told me that if she ever saw me again she was going to kill me. When he found out I was out of the shelter and trying to sleep on the streets he put up the money for me to get an apartment. I was making enough at that point (just) to pay for rent but not enough for first, last, and deposit. I think he saved my life again because I think I would have died sleeping on the streets in winter.
He didn't owe me anything, he didn't ask for anything in return. I kept expecting it. I kept expecting him to want me to give it up, or join a religion, or even just pay him back. But her never did. It was then that I really, truly, fell hard for him. He had just put up more money than I could ever expect to pay him back and he wasn't expecting anything in return for it. He was saving that so he could get an apartment of his own and he didn't even expect anything in return for it. I wouldn't have blained him for extra expecting to be a "roommate with benefits" but he didn't move in or expect anything in return.
He was so kind and gentle, and caring with me. He didn't expect anything from me. I had to be the one who asked him out. I was the one who held his hand first and kissed him first and I was the one who first took things sexual. Because he never assumed he could just take those things from me despite all he had done for me. I keep thinking back in that and wondering if I was too pushy, if I was forcing myself and my troubles on him. He doesn't deserve that.
I talked to him tonight about what happens when penetrates me sense he moved in. I sat down with him and I explained that I didn't like it and that I didn't understand what was going on with him but that I wanted to. I told him I only wanted to help him. I tried to sound understanding. I tried not to cry, but just like everything in my life, I failed.
He just sat there. I think he wanted to talk to me. I think he tried to. He wouldn't look at me and when I started to break down he gave me a kiss on the cheek and he left. I think that was about 10 and now it's almost 4 am and he hasn't been back. I wish I hadn't been so selfish. After everything he has done for me, all the **** in my life he has put up with, I couldn't just live with this one thing. I couldn't just ******* let him have this one thing. I've always been the one who pushed in the relationship. I pushed him to go out with me, I pushed him to help me, I pushed him to move in with me, and when he finally takes something from the relationship instead of providing everything I ******* shut him down.
I'm so ******* useless. I just want him to come back. He is everything I have left. I...
Idk, writing this is probably a mistake. I don't know what to do. No one is probably ever even going to read this and now that I have driven off the only person who has ever loved me I'm just going to be alone... idk.
I'm sorry about that post last night. I wasn't in a good place. Not that anyone is likely to read this but... I had drunk a couple of glasses of wine. Not a lot, but then it doesn't take a lot to effect me. I'm such a lightweight.
Thank god, my BF came back this morning. He is sleeping and I need to get ready for work, so I don't have a lot of time.
He wrote down what he couldn't tell me while he was away. Part of me is so relieved to have read it and part of me is so heart broken. I thought if we could only figure out what it was we could fix it and I could help him. Now I'm not so sure. He told me his parents were had actually adopted him. I didn't know that. His real mom had done some really sick things to him. I can't be sure but I think his issues with penetration revolve around those. We didn't really talk yet so much as I read and I tried to comfort him. I have to be a better person for him like that. He said he didn't know why he was doing this to me. He said he just felt like had to.
We didn't talk about some of the other possibilities, I'm not sure I could bring up the one of him possibly being gay. I just can't lose him like that. He didn't promise not to do it again or see a councilor. But that's okay. I think we made a big step today and I can deal with this happening again if he is moving toward getting help, which I have a really good feeling that he may. He has done so much for me and sacrificed so much, I just need to be strong for him. I just need to be able to deal with it if it happens again, right? I think I can deal with this for him, I just need to not be selfish.
You weren't selfish before. You're not being selfish now.
Both of you have major life issues (I am so, so sorry about your horrible parents). Even if your relationship evolves to friendship only, you have a good friend who cares about you. I'm glad you found each other.
Please don't feel that you have to solve this issue. You are not a trained counselor. Please get professional help.
And don't feel bad that you are finally talking about something that could just not continune to happen. Best of luck to you two.