Healthy divorce from family

Forums: Family Anxiety Depression
Email this Topic • Print this Page

I'm very picky about who I spend time around and I don't really enjoy my family's company. My family and I are too different, I find the majority of them grating and have deep seated issues with some of them. I struggle with depression and anxiety which seems to peak when I spend time with them so staying away from them literally keeps me sane.

I often feel bad about this because I see how my choice to avoid them affects them but, after a deep bout of depression, I've realised that they are not any good for me and it is best for me to keep my distance.

I need a healthy divorce from my family but have no idea how to explain that to them or even what a "healthy divorce" should entail.

How do I explain this to them without causing more hurt and how do I actually carry it out?

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 1,949 • Replies: 11
Topic Closed

No top replies

@Marbles,

Without knowing how old you are, or what your culture is, it's hard to give you specific advice, so I'll go with general.

If you're over 18, you get to spend time with whoever you want to. Full stop.
There is nothing wrong with saying no to family gatherings, outings, etc.
You may feel that a few family members, one on one, are acceptable. Hence I would advise not dynamiting all of the bridges.
Use social media as a means of keeping in touch with those family members who are easiest to get along with. Personally, I play Words with Friends with a lot of my cousins, who I only see maybe once every year or two years. Contact isn't broken, but it's also easier to take.
Put limitations on socializing. They don't all have to be five-hour lovefests or the like. If you suggest, say, a restaurant meal, then most restaurants will kick you out after two or three hours anyway. Again, contact is maintained, but it's got limits on it.
Recognize that some family members might have issues you know nothing about which are making it harder to deal with them. Elderly relatives could be going deaf or blind, or have hidden pain they're not telling you about (but it's making them cranky), or even be in the early stages of dementia or Alzheimer's. Keep your sanity and your self-respect (e. g. don't let them walk all over you or insult you, of course), but also at least try to cut them a little slack at times. You may very well find yourself in their exact same position in the future. So understand that a disease process could be creating those kinds of issues.
Develop a good support system with your friends, as you will need people in your life to do everything from water your plants when you're on vacation to drive you home after cataract surgery. Of course, of course, reciprocate this as well as you can, whether it's to take care of their cats when they're out of town or paying them gas money.

0 Replies

@Marbles,

Everyone's family is grating or annoying or even makes us feel bad about ourselves on occasion. Have these people been there for you when you need them. Did they house, cloth and feed you? Pay for your education, sports, proms cars, braces and doctors?

If so, it's pretty selfish on your part. For all you know they find you grating, annoying and depressing. Someday, when you are older your divorce from your family may come back as guilt.

You are 18, get a job, move out. Most 18 y/o only see their family on mother's or Father's Day and Christmas anyway. Is three days a year too much for you?

2 Replies

@D45ist ,

D45ist,

You seem to be really big on guilt. Attacking the OP as "selfish" is nasty and it is not logical.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

I am pretty big on guilt. A healthy conscience is the main key to happiness. Guilt is the main component of unhappiness. I like people to be happy.

Have a problem with that?

1 Reply

@D45ist ,

I have a problem with you attacking people as "selfish" without even understanding their situation. That's not how you make people happy.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

Well, it IS selfish behavior if they have raised this person. Using deduction, I doubt they beat, starved or raped this person. If they had, this person wouldn't care if the divorce were healthy or unhealthy.

It's also extremely premature to make a divorce announcement. Someday, when mature and more experienced, this person will probably realize that their own family is no better or worse than anyone else's and wish they had not made such a proclamation.

They can spend as little time as possible with their family. Heck, I haven't seen one of my siblings in 5 years without writing it in stone.

0 Replies

@Marbles,

Why not just move? Get a job a long way away, it's a really good excuse not to see family and avoids hurting people unnecessarily. I don't get on with a lot of my family members, but they're all in Yorkshire and I'm not.

0 Replies

Yes, I guess you start diverting your mind in healthy activities.

0 Replies

@Marbles,

I think you should consider your family too, not saying that you should stay with them if it's not the best for you. Since youre experiencing depression and anxiety, you need time to heal. So have a discussion with your family, saying that you need to be away for your own good. Tell them it takes a lot of time. Promise them you will take care of yourself and then explore your world, surround with good people and have a taste of what life is. Sometimes we just need time to recharge ourself.

0 Replies

@D45ist ,

I'm 24, I have a job and yes they may have fed me and clothed me but I never experienced much in terms of emotional support but, being only human, I still care about them. I needed help figuring out how best to seperate myself from them without causing even more damage to our relationships. You have no idea what actually happens when I have to deal with them so don't try and guilt me into thinking they're worth the effort.

1 Reply

@Marbles,

Marbles wrote:

I'm 24, I have a job and yes they may have fed me and clothed me but I never experienced much in terms of emotional support but, being only human, I still care about them. I needed help figuring out how best to seperate myself from them without causing even more damage to our relationships. You have no idea what actually happens when I have to deal with them so don't try and guilt me into thinking they're worth the effort.

I care about them but they are not worth any effort does not compute for me. However, you are 24, if you feel that way then what are you still doing hanging around at your age? I suggest that you leave, the sooner the better. If they suck so bad surely you can do better for yourself, so get going.

0 Replies

Forums
» Healthy divorce from family

Read Question
Reply to All

Healthy divorce from family

Quick Links

My Account

able2know