18 years old and lots of inexplicable problems need help

Hello this is my life story,
This is my first post on this support groups website. Throughout my whole life I have always been attracted to women. I remember having crushes on my friend's mom (weird I know, but she was hot), and always noticing attractive women. When i was getting ready to go into highschool my parents were talking about me possibly going to an all boys private school. For some reason i feel like i told myself that if i went to an all boys school i would be gay. Well i ended up going to a school with boys and girls. That thought was in the wind and i was at full sexual peak. Masturbating to women and porn multiple days a week and constantly fantasizing about them. I bounced from girl to girl, but i could never get myself to like them, although i was sexually attracted to them and did many things with these girls, but not sex, not yet. Then when I was 17 I started talking to this one girl and things started to get really serious. We started dating and she was all i could think about. We were together every chance we got and we kissed and hooked up every chance we could get. I would worry constantly because i did not want to lose this feeling i had longed for for so long. I would create scenarios in my head and convince myself she was cheating and pressure her for reassurance, but i never fully believed her. This is when i discovered my anxiety. I had previous experiences with it throughout my life (worrying about dying, not being able to sleepover friends houses, thinking my mom was gonna die). At this time it was not that bad. Four months into the relationship we decided we were ready to have sex. I was so excited we had almost done it many times before, and I had always wanted to. We were at a party and we decided that we were gonna go to a car and try it there (classic highschool i know). So we start kissing and taking off our clothes and as were about to have sex she grabbed my fully flacid penis. We were both stunned. I had been waiting for this for so long. I was embarassed she asked me if I had been drinking and i said no. So she asked why i wasnt hard and i said i dont feel well. Filled with anxiety i was disappointed and mad at myself. I had been waiting for this for so long. She said, well maybe this is a sign that we shouldn't. I freaked and said no it was just a weird night. We went home and it was extremely awkward after that. I started researching erectile dysfunction and concluded that it was due to my use of porn. I didn't masturbate and stopped watching porn and the next time we got to hangout we had sex. Around this time I had just started a new job and we were setting up the store. Managers were brought in from all over the country to help set up. One manager was an attractive male and I felt very anxious around him. I had never felt like this arounda man before, it was like I had a crush on him. I hid it and just did what I had to until he left, but I felt really anxious around him and got a weird feeling in my groin region. I had never felt this way about a guy before I started to wonder if I was turning gay. Well he eventually left and went back to Alabama and I forgot all about that I had felt attracted to him. I never told my girlfriend or anyone about this, but after that, sex was regular with my girlfriend, we did it all the time. 7 times on the fourth of july to be exact was our record. Then i started to feel like I was losing my attraction to her about a month later and i was contemplating breaking up with her and started to talk to another girl. Well my girlfriend and I went on vacation and the feeling was back and i was "in love" with her again. We continued to have sex and the problem of not maintaining an erection subsided although i always worried about it which took away from the sex. I always felt like i had to rush it into her so i didnt go soft first. The worst instance of this was when she was on my bed fully naked and i was not able to get an erection. I was so angry. My anxiety continued to get worse and we fought a lot. I had a rough turn in my life where everything was going downhill and I started to feel very down. I started to contemplate breaking up with her again. This was a year into our relationship, I was 18 now. I was playing a video game and noticed that i thought that male character was quite attractive. That was it. I went to school the next day and started noticing guys i had never before and got this weird feeling in my groin area. I started to question my sexuality and got really anxious around guys, all types of guys. This included family members (extremely disturbing I know). It felt like attraction. I was going to hangout with a friend to talk about if I should breakup with my girlfriend. I was going 60 mph on the highway when i hit a car that didnt have their lights on. I totaled my car and the other driver's car as well. I had an illegal substance in the car and it was almost found by the police. I was distraught and shaking. A week later, I met with my girlfriend and told her we needed a break. The constant anxiety around other guys was killing me and destroyed my sexual desire. Three days later i called her and told her I couldn't do it anymore, I was too messed up. She was heartbroken as was I. I was alone and depressed. I was extremely anxious and I constantly worried about her talking to other guys. I started talking to her again and then we decided to get back together. The thoughts about other guys started to subside and we had sex one more time. We started dating and then I went on vacation without her and got with another girl. I texted my girlfriend and broke up with her again with no regard for how she felt or anything. I started dating this new girl, but i was not really sexually attracted to her. I felt like i liked her, but I did not want to have sex with her or anything. My fear of being gay came back. I was seeing a therapist at this time and he just kept telling me to breathe and it was okay if I was gay. But how could i have been attracted to women my whole life, dated a girl for over a year, had sex, kissed or hooked up with 24 girls total and never have any relation with a male and be gay. But then again I grew up with a high pitched voice, I told myself i would be gay if I went to an all boys school, i had a weird groinal feeling around males, and i convinced myself i was gay. I went back and forth between I am gay and I am straight. A constant battle. I started to have problems getting an erection with the new girlfriend and she noticed and got offended, just like the last one. How could I be 18 and be having erectile dysfunction? I was freaking out. I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. Then i talked to my ex girlfriend and she showed me letters she had written to me about how awful of a person i was and how much i hurt her. She also told me she almost killed herself because of how bad I hurt her. She was crying and I got up and went and threw up because of how overwhelming this was. We were hanging out at a bar for the rest of the night, but I still had a girlfriend and people kept telling me that, but I felt like I was in love with her again. My legs started to feel light and my hands started tingling as if all the blood had gone from them. My upper lip started quivering and i started freaking out. This had never happened before. I walked back in and saw another guy trying to dance on her. I walked up to him and shoved him off filled with anger. I grabbed her and walked away and started crying and hugging her right there in the middle of the bar. We left together and went back to her house, she was drunk and I was not. We talked until really late, and we both admitted we still cared about each other. I knew I had to breakup with my other girlfriend. The next morning she woke up and texted me "I was drunk nothing has changed you're still an awful person." She had a bunch of people over that night again and she said she was going to hookup with them. I ran to the bathroom and started throwing up. My legs started shaking and i layed down and just kept shaking my legs uncontrollably thinking about the girl i loved with another guy. She asked me how i could say this if i was still dating another girl. I said i couldn't. My parents had to help hold me down until i fell asleep. I woke up the next day with my legs still moderately shaking and feeling like i had squatted a car the day before. I checked my weight. 4 pounds gone. I started texting a bunch of people asking what I should do while ignoring my new girlfriend. All i could think about was my old girlfriend, but it was all anxiety. I started researching and discovered HOCD and told myself i had it. This was slightly reassuring, but the feeling that I was gay felt so real sometimes. I was barely eating and spent most of my time trying to sleep. I went to a party without my new girlfriend that my ex was at. I was on adderall and drank too much. I blacked out. I woke up the next day discovering that I had texted her I love you. I felt awful. I went home that day and barely ate. I layed in bed all day on the verge of having so many panic attacks. I also had recently discovered that one of my best friends had started to talk to my ex so i yelled at him and told him I still cared about her and he stopped. She then texted me " you cannot tell me what boys i can and cannot talk to it's not your place." I didn't respond, but I knew what I had to do. I broke up with my new girlfriend and told myself that I could not get back with my old girlfriend. I havent had very high sexual attraction in almost 4 months now. I occasionally get aroused, but only temporarily, always to women. I tried masturbating to gay porn once and to my disapproval it worked and i felt awful thinking about gay sex and being with a man. It made me feel sick and extremely anxious. I decided to start researching how to stop this HOCD, but still questioning whether or not I was just in denial. It feels so real sometimes. I learned about ERT (Exposure Response Therapy). I discovered a method of just closing your eyes and imagining yourself with another man while masturbating and exposing yourself to the obsession. I was scared, but i tried it. I imagined an attractive customer that had come into my work place. It took probably 5 minutes, but i got hard and that freaked me out. I kept thinking and i felt myself starting to climax. I immediately started to think about this other girl who has been trying to have sex with me and I ejaculated. This made it so much worse. I almost ejaculated to the thought of a man. Even though it was to a woman, I feel like i could've ejaculated to the image of my mind. This has seriously contradicted my claim that I have HOCD and not in denial. I feel like im gay and I feel like ive accepted gay sex and that I'm gay although it still makes me anxious. I have eliminated any pressure from my life except this one girl who wants to have sex with me, but I am sexually attracted to her. I do not know what to do. I checked my weight and now I am down 8 pounds. I hate eating and am constantly having anxiety attacks. I do not know if I'm gay or not, something I was so sure about just over a year ago. I do not know myself, I cannot make decisions and recently i have been contemplating suicide. I have tried fluoxatine and therapy and nothing has worked. I am tired of only living when i am not thinking. I want my life back please help.