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Tue 23 May, 2017 04:57 am
This is a difficult one. About 3 years ago I met a boy and we very quickly became best friends. We'll call him 'Matt'. For the first year, for me it was totally platonic as I was involved with someone else. However one night at a party Matt and I were a lot closer than normal and I found myself seeing him in a new light. That night he jokingly asked if we could sleep next to each other, which we did, and ended up kissing.
That changed our relationship entirely and my feelings for him grew stronger by the day and we grew closer and closer. He was kind and effectionate and I shortly found myself besotted with him. As far as I could see he felt exactly the same if not more so. Everyone around us pointed out how similar we were and that Matt clearly adored me and how they wished they too could find someone so perfect for them.
However, after almost another year of this Matt and I still were not 'official' and eventually I started to have doubts about his feelings for me. His care and affection only grew which is why I was so confused as to why we weren't moving anywhere.
Until one day, a thought came into my mind that would eat me alive. What if Matt was gay? I tried my best to brush it off. I'd tell myself he was just shy, or he was scared to ruin the relationship we had. But I couldn't move on. At a party I got particularly drunk and just straight out asked him "Matt, are you bisexual?" To which he responded. "I'm gay."
It felt like the bottom had dropped out of my world. I cried and sobbed and vomited. I didn't know it would effect me the way it did but the feelings I felt in that moment I can't describe. He also cried and told me he'd had a huge crush on me since we had met and truly loved me more than anything but the idea of being intimate with a woman scared him so he had concluded he was gay.
It's been a year since that conversation and unbelievably Matt and i are closer and more romantically affectionate than ever. I can't control how I feel about him. I truly think I'm in love with him and can't ever imagine finding anyone more suited to me. As cliche as is sounds he feels like an extension on myself. He regularly tells me we are two parts of the same person and that we're soul mates.
Matt has never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, I was his first kiss and he has remained totally loyal to me since we met, despite going away to university!
There have been several times over the last three years that I have hooked up with other people and each time Matt has been devastated and I have found him in tears.
I feel our relationship is causing us to hold each other back. There is one else I want other than him and it appears he feels the same. I feel the only way we can both move on is for me to cut him out of my life all together. But the idea of that makes me sick to my stomach.
If anyone has any thoughts on what I should do or has ever found themselves in a similar situation PLEASE help me out because I'm truly at a loss.
@Sigourney23,
It sounds like you are both going the safe route and staying with someone comfortable. For Matt, this also rather neatly keeps him closeted and shows everyone how straight he is (although he's not).
You are what's called a beard.
I doubt this relationship will be sexual, or very sexual. Even if you marry, be prepared for almost none of that. I am not saying you can't love each other. But you're probably both going to end up feeling cheated.
You can remain friends but not date. You are not going to crumble into dust if you leave your safe zones.
@jespah,
Yes I agree with you. I'm aware of 'beard' relationships but wouldn't want to think he would use me like that and have such a disregard for my feelings, however I think you could be right.
Although the two other people who are aware he thinks he's gay (my mum and best friend) don't think he is. They think because he is 20 and still a virgin he has built it up in his head so much he's now scared of it and so is concluding he must be gay. He is also incredibly shy and socially awkward. He has never had feelings for a man, but he finds women attractive.
What do you think?
@Sigourney23,
He could also be asexual. But really, this is his head we are talking about. We can all speculate till the cows come home, but the only thing that's important is what's in his noggin.
@jespah,
That's very true. Thank you very much for your help and advice, its very much appreciated.
@Sigourney23,
Look, I know you're friendly with him, and that's great. We all need friends.
I hope the two of you can remain that way, no matter what else happens in your lives.
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