How do I deal with my boyfriend with anger issues?

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I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we are in our early 20s. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. I trust him completely, we have good conversations, have fun together, have a solid partnership, he has a good job, is intelligent, etc.

However he has anger issues. He gets set off by small things (like plans changing) and ends up disproportionately angry to the situation. His anger also lasts for long periods of time. He is not violent, and does not call me names or anything. He doesn't yell much, he just raises his voice or gets visibly angry and withdraws without being willing to even talk about it. When he is angry it makes everything really tense and difficult. He knows he has issues and apologizes after an episode but it doesn't change. However I haven't sat down and talked to him about how I feel about this yet.

I love him but this issue has put a barrier in our relationship and I am wondering what can be done about it. We have talked about a future together but I wonder if this is a deal breaker. Any insight or advice is appreciated.

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@Olive303,

Sounds like he might be bi polar....has he been to a therapist?

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@Olive303,

He needs counseling/therapy to learn how to manage his emotions. This is a decision that he has to make for himself. Let him know how you feel about his anger. Avoid ultimatums or accusatory comments, stick to concrete facts. ie: When you get angry and won't talk to me it makes me feel...., When you raise your voice it makes me feel.... Then suggest that talking to a counselor or therapist may be helpful is learning how to manage his anger better.

If he is interested in how you feel and making positive changes he will seek out some help. Give it a period of time and if the issue is still causing problems you just need to move on.

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@Olive303,

It sounds like he is aware of the issue as he does apologize afterwards, what he may not be aware of is how it impacts you. He may not realize that it is putting a barrier in your relationship. It might be hard, but you do need to talk with him about it.

It would be a sad thing if this is a deal breaker without you even addressing with him first. I could understand if you talked with him about it and he denied it or refused to work on it that you would consider it a deal breaker.

The one thing though when you choose to talk with him - do it when he is not angry. Let him know how it impacts you and that you want to work with him so that your relationship is even stronger - in other words focus a lot on the positives as well.

I wouldn't even put some counseling might be helpful - not sure how open he is to that - but the very first step is to let him know how much this anger episodes impact you and your relationship together.

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