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Sun 14 May, 2017 06:43 pm
My boyfriend and I have been in a love relationship for 3 ½ years. We lived together twice and are currently living apart until we see if we can work things out. The main issue between us is the female friends he has. He has a lot of friends, some long time friends and some new ones. Most all are female and several are previous girlfriends. He believes it doesn’t matter if a friend is male or female.
My issue is I believe he spends too much time on his friends. He keeps in contact by email, text, facebook, phone and some he goes to their house to visit or goes on outings with them. Not as part of a group but always just the two of them. He is in contact with probably several friends a day. Don’t really know for sure as he is very protective of his phone and computer. Has to go in the other room or outside to talk on phone. (he was on a dating site while living with me. Just to make new friends to talk to) Previously he has advertised online for friends to talk to and actually meet and go out with but doesn’t include me in these new friendships. He gets mad and thinks I don’t trust him because I don’t want him going to other women’s houses or out with them. He even thinks I should be ok with him staying overnight at their house if they are doing something and it runs late. I don’t feel like this is appropriate or fair to the woman you profess to love. I tried to tell him that the cumulative amount of time he spends talking, texting, emailing with other women and on the computer is sometimes more time than he spends with me. I think it takes away from the importance of our relationship. Some of his women friends don’t respect that he is in a love relationship with me, and constantly calling and wanting him to come spend time with them.
I do love him and he said he loves me but I am having trouble dealing with all the women friends in his life. He has always lived this type of lifestyle. I have friends I go out with too but my friends are all same sex as me. I guess because there were times that he lied to me before I do get suspicious especially when he won’t tell me when he is going out and where he is going. Thinks I am trying to control him. I think it’s a matter of courtesy when you live with someone to let them know where you are going and when you will be back and not be so secretive about your friends and phone calls. I guess I am old fashioned in some of my beliefs. I believe once you fall in love that your other friendships should be less important (especially old girlfriends). Relationships require work, trust, compromise and commitment. I feel like all the time he spends talking, contacting, and seeing friends takes too much time away from deepening and growing our relationship.
Help, what do you think?
@sadlady,
I agree with your boyfriend. In a healthy relationship you should be able to have friends of both genders. Keeping your partner from having close friendships is one sign of an abusive relationship.
That being said, every relationship is different. You need to work it out with him what you need from him to be able to trust him.
I don't demand that my partner keep from spending time with male friends, nor would I accept her keeping me from spending time with female friends. Trust in a relationship is important to me.
I have close female friends with whom I have never had a physical relationship. These friendships are long lasting and are important to me. I would not accept it if my girlfriend demanded that I give up these friendships.
@maxdancona,
I agree, Max
Friendships are important to mental health. I feel that some folks may not be good at opposite sex friendships, but that's not a detail that the significant other/husband/wife gets to decide. Anytime you (to the OP here) attempt to make a decision for somebody else you are making a power play, trying to take control. In a healthy relationship you don't control your significant other. You can communicate about problems, but it's up to your significant other to do something about it. If they choose not to "correct" the problem then it's up to you how to proceed. You either figure out a healthy way to move past the problem or find yourself somebody that is a better fit for you. You DON'T get to "punish" them for not falling in line (being moody or grumpy, doing things out of spite, bitching, complaining, judging, ultimatums, etc).
@sadlady,
sadlady wrote:Help, what do you think?
I think it sounds like you're not a great match.
He can't expect you to change how you feel about his friends. You can't expect him to change how he feels about his friends. That's not how adult relationships work.
He has good female friends. You are not comfortable with that. Neither of those things are likely to change.
I think you're best off cutting things off now and trying to find a man who shares your view of opposite gender friendships.
@ehBeth,
I am curious EhBeth.
Would you write the same if the genders were reversed and this was a man who wouldn't let his girlfriend have male friends?
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