My stupid brain

Hello self Dave here let's talk
5/4/2017 5:40 am
Today I woke up in a hurry. Double shift.. we'll that was stupid lol. I'm feeling detached from my wife as I haven't spent any husband wife time with her lately. This weekend she says she is going to Flirt with much to see what happens. In my opinion she already want him. I think she doesn't want to admit it. Eather way she get a freebie I hope she doesn't do anything as I know it will break my heart. I've already broken myself enough. I love that she has friends but I feel like she is forgetting about her home life. Like she is getting swept up in the excitement to fast to realize. She is my world and I want to make her the happiest she can be ... but at what cost .. I mean if it causes me this much pain just thinking about things and the way she has been acting... how bad is it really going to get. I could not stand if anything happened to us. She is the love of my life and I can't lose her.. that is why I am doing this and allowing her to act like she is.. she is an awesome person and deserves everything in life .. even if it breaks my heart everyday and I break Down everyday.. I just hope we can make it through it.. and come out as much as we are now or more.. but any less would kills me on the inside.... well time for work.. I love you samantha smith eternally ❤️😔...

I feel almost dead in my stomach it's turning in knots and I want to throw up and cry... couldn't even eat this morning i tried but my tummy hurts

7:05 am I know that I can't handle her having a relationship or having sex with him .. **** this is going to destroy me. I have no idea what to do or say to her. I utterly hate this and I'm not happy😥....

7:40 ya know it almost pisses me off that she just don't care at all she has no feelings at all when it comes to my ******* another person.. I don't know I just don't know...... it almost like she don't care and has already made her mind up that she don't want me anymore I mean is she bored with sex with me with our life... maybe that is why she is doing all this maybe she wants out..... but because she loves me she can't hurt me so she is letting me hurt myself.... that way it's my fault... idk I wish I could read her mind sometimes because I know I tell her exactly how I feel and what I think.. there is no way to know for sure if she is telling me everything exactly how she feels... damn today sucks wish I could talk to my best friend... but sadly I don't want to upset her or make her unhappy.... come on Dave think think think if you keep taking to her like this eventually she will resent you and leave you this is the truth and the way it is.. just ******* deal with it😡 I hate you Dave your pathetic .. really think about it how can anyone really love you especially the most wonderful woman in existence don't be delusional just try and enjoy the time you have with her before she relies she your not the one... at least you'll have the memories ☹️😭😭😭.. ⛈⛈⛈😔 why why why why why why why why why


8:13 hurts so bad feel like I need to go to the hospital.. why i don't know ... I don't think anything is going on but .... I need crazy meds lol .. samantha do me a favor and don't forget about us we love you wife mother best friend .. I know I said I'd never leave you but I don't know if I could hang on if this thing goes sideways ..... I have never felt like this in all my 32-33 years ...... I wish I felt nothing again I miss you WALL I need you back please come back and protect me me ........ protect me