Is he selfish or just blundering?

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I've been dating this guy for almost a year. He has a 13-year-old son that he absolutely adores and shares the custody of with his ex-wife 9to whom he is still married but separated for over 10 years). The kid is great and we get along very well. The relationship has been good but has had ups and downs mostly due to him not having enough time to spend alone with me (he works weeknights and almost all his free time he likes to spend with his kid) and sometimes even changing or canceling plans we had already done for the one day a week we had agreed on spending together. On top of that, on the nights we get to see each other he often shows up late, which really bothers me because I am always on time when meeting him. Other than that, I must say he is kind to me and seems to genuinely love me. His birthday is coming and, as a way to go celebrate him (and also to be able to spend quality time together), I bought us tickets to go to Paris for 10 days. A day before our flight, which is tomorrow, he offers to cook for the three of us (kid included, of course) at his place, so I take a cab and head there. Knowing I would be 10 minutes late since the cab was caught up in traffic, I asked him to please start eating without me and I'd join them shortly. By the time I got there, not only were they eating as I suggested, but they had eaten all the food (he made steak and salad), leaving just a little bit of salad for me. I was really hungry after a whole day packing for our trip with just a coffee on my stomach. So I got really upset when he told me they had just felt too hungry and ate it all, but he would go the supermarket to buy another stake to cook for me....
I just refused the offer and left, feeling quite pissed and sad that he would do something so selfish as that. I know the kid loves meat, and he probably was the one wanting to eat all of it, but even in that case, my BF being the adult and more importantly supposedly caring about me should have kept my portion and eat something else, if they were still so hungry. Now he is acting like it wasn't such a big deal, and won't even apologize for the unfortunate situation. On the other hand, we are supposed to travel tomorrow and this is the worst feeling to do that, but I feel like is not up to me to fix this situation. Am I crazy for being this mad at him or was it actually really rude of him to do that?

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@Ame,

I can speak from the other side of this. I am a divorced man with a preteen daughter. I had a relationship end for this exact reason, the woman I was dating at the time had trouble with the amount of time I was spending with my daughter.

To be honest, I don't think the steak was a big deal. Your, boyfriend didn't think about how you felt... but on the other hand it seems like to him this was a casual dinner. He made a mistake, but it doesn't seem like a big mistake given the circumstances. Is the steak important to you because it is symbolic of other things you are feeling?

The bigger issue is how to resolve the other issues in your relationship. Dating a man raising a kid is a big deal. I can tell you from personal experience that as a parent your schedule is always flexible... I have canceled meetings with my boss at work when something comes up. And certainly in a dating relationship, the kid comes first. I am sure you accept that.

Now... on the other side of that, you have the right to expect time, attention and affection from the person you are dating. And you should feel special. I think that he should be working out alone time, just you and him, that is sacred and will not be interrupted.

In my experience, it has been easier for me to date women who have kids. I want to say this kindly, but people who have never raised kids sometimes have trouble understanding the flexibility required of parents. Our lives change very quickly and we learn to adapt... if my daughter has trouble at school, or feels sick, or gets into a fight... I drop what I am doing to attend to her.

If you are going to keep dating him without driving yourself crazy, you need to accept this.

Of course you should talk to your boyfriend about how you feel; you deserve to feel special and you need set time alone with him. But you need to be flexible and creative and work with him to figure out how to make this happen.

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@maxdancona,

Hi @maxdancona, Thanks so much for you quick and thoughtful reply.
I understand and agree completely with what you said. I have been very flexible and understanding of his priority being his kid. I don't have kids myself, but I know that responsibility comes first, always. But I also agree that, if a man in this situation is really willing to rebuild his romantic life he has to be able to devote some time to building that relationship he is getting himself into. And as much as I love spending time with him and his kid, whom I like and likes me back, ours is a young relationship that still needs some alone time to fully develop. I have addressed this issue with him a lot of times and he has been trying to organize his time better, so I guess we've met half-way when it comes to that particular issue.

Today's situation indeed seems indicative of him maybe not considering me as much as I consider him. It might seem like an insignificant incident, but when I stop and think about how much I show him I value and respect him and his needs, to the point of being flexible about his lack of time, and also being so generous to him so many times (the irony being me paying for this trip and him being so selfish as to not stopping to think I'm coming over and I'm hungry), for him to do this to me and then not even apologizing or acknowledging his blundering leaves an even more bitter taste in my mouth...

Anyways, thanks once again for your words! I really appreciate them.
A.

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@Ame,

You seem very reasonable Ame. I hope I didn't sound judgmental. Relationships that involve children are tricky. Hopefully you and he can both have patience with each other.

Do you feel like he is doing his part in the relationship (acknowledging the challenge of parenting)? Is he making an effort to set aside time with you? Is he listening to what you like and need? Is he doing special things for you?

Having a child requires flexibility, but having a relationship requires effort. It sounds like you feel like you are making more effort than he is. If this is how you feel, you should work this out.

There are two sides to this. Someone who is dating a parent needs to have patience and flexibility... but this doesn't mean that they can't expect time and effort from the other person. You have every right to ask for this.

For the steak... clearly you feel bad about this and you should resolve it. I think I would find a time that was calm to bring it up. Then, I would phrase it as what I felt, rather than what my partner did. If someone says "You were selfish and inconsiderate..." you will likely get a defensive response from me. If someone says "I felt sad, and I really wanted to feel special..." you will get a better response, and I will want to figure out how to fix it. I hope that he can at least acknowledge your feelings about this.

But the bigger issue, I suspect, is that you need to feel like you are special to him. This is a valid feeling, and you deserve this. And, your boyfriend needs to put in the effort. You should talk about it, and hopefully you can work it out.

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@maxdancona,

I didn't think you were judgemental at all. On the contrary, you've been really helpful. I feel calmer and hopeful that my BF and I are both able get to talk about this and do it more assertively. You're absolutely right about what the best way to approach the issue is, to prevent him from getting defensive, which is usually what ends up happening. Once again, thank you so much!!! Have a great night.

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