Emotional Cheater

The husband in this case has had emotional affairs during the marriage and has physically cheated once during the dating time while in a serious committed relationship (which was disclosed to the wife 9 years into the marriage). While he says he's never crossed the line physically during the marriage, there has been a series of lies associated with the emotinal affairs that have been verified, making it difficult for the wife to believe him.

The couple has been married for almost 12 years. About a year into the marriage, the husband's ex-girlfriend starting calling the house. She had recently moved to the US. He said she didn't know anyone and she felt lonely and sad. The wife didn’t think much of it and he didn't seem to be trying to hide it at all. He eventually admitted he thought she was getting attached to him and the wife told him it would be best to end the friendship and not lead her on anymore.

Then about a year later, the husband went to a foreign country for research. He was there for two months. While there, he met a girl who was going through a rough time. She was a single mom who's husband had just left her. He spent time with her, walking with her after his soccer games and spending time on her porch talking to her, although he says there were people around during these times. The last night he was there she came and offered him "something to remember her by" and she wanted to give it to him in his room. He said he refused to let her in and she hung around for about 45 minutes until he final convinced her to leave. He walked her to the gate and then went to kiss her on the cheek (customary), and she turned her head and their mouths met halfway across the lips. He said that was all that happened. Later, the wife found a letter from the girl. It was in Spanish. The wife asked her husband why he was saving it and he said it wasn’t important so she asked him to throw it away. He refused. She asked if he would read it to her and tell her what it said (she does not speak Spanish). He refused and a fight ensued. He tore up the letter and threw it in the trash.

Six years later (8 years into the marriage), the husband comes to the wife and tells her he has been messaging another ex-girlfriend on Facebook and that it's been going on for around about 4 or 5 weeks and that he let it go too far and they ended up telling each other they want to be with each other and that they are in love with each other. When she wanted to come see him, he decided he didn't want to be with her and so he decided to tell the wife.

However, at the same time, he decided to also confess that while they were dating, he had had sex with another girl while doing research in another foreign country.

The wife was devastated and hurt. She felt betrayed and her trust was broken. She had a hard time looking at him the same way. After some time, she finally forgave him, and he promised it would never happen again. They reconciled. But it didn't really go away. Her heart was still hurting but she felt she had to forgive him for his sake, because he was sad about it. She had to convince him to end communication with the ex-girlfriend. He did not want to stop talking to her.

Three and half years later (11 years into the marriage), the wife found some communications on his Facebook messenger. He had started communicating with another girl he used to like. They had never actually dated, but on Facebook they were confessing their past feelings for each other and how he had wanted his parents to move to Texas so he could be with her (when he was 16). The conversation was very flirtatious and the wife was hurt. She felt that he was going down the same road again. She ended up telling him she had discovered the messages and initially he said he didn't do anything wrong, but then he apologized and said he wouldn't talk to this girl anymore. Then, 3 months later, he went to Florida on a ministry trip during New Years. He called the wife on New Years Eve and said "I have something to tell you, but you're not going to be happy about it". He then told her that the girl he had been talking to had contacted him and wanted to hang out with him for New Years Eve and that her family was there so it was going to be fine. The wife felt frustrated because he had told her he wouldn't talk to this other woman anymore, but just got off the phone and didn't say much. He went and spent time with the other girl. However, when he got back the wife mentioned that she did not want him to continue a friendship with her and he said "No, I wouldn't do that". Then, 5 days later, the wife saw him on his phone and he kept smiling. The wife asked him what he was doing and he kept dismissing it and saying "nothing". Then another 5 days later, she logged onto his email account to check their Amazon Prime order and saw that he had changed his Facebook password on New Years Eve Day. She had had his other password and could access his account but had rarely logged in. She knew that her husband never likes to change passwords. And he had changed it on the day he was meeting up with this girl in Texas. The wife found it very suspicious. So she checked his Facebook account from his phone. She found out that he had never cut off communication with the girl from Texas. He wasn't having long intimate emails with her but that he had kept in contact. She had come here in November and he had called her but she had missed the call. They didn't meet. Then, the day before New Years Eve, he had a text exchange with her and then deleted it. He then changed his password and initiated arrangements to meet up with her. The conversations were still flirtatious. Then, on that one night that he had been smiling, she realized it was because he was talking to the other girl on messenger. They were discussing how they felt and what they were thinking when they were hanging out. It was a very flirtatious conversation and at one point he said,
"Even though I told my wife, I was still wondering, 'What if?'"
She said, "What if what?"
He said, "You know, I've never been around someone I used to like before, so.....What if?.... You know, What if?"
She said, "I'm not sure what you mean by 'What if'".
He said, "Well, maybe we can come back to that later."
He then went on to tell her what a great friend she was and that it was hard to find friends like her. In opposition to what he had told his wife about not continuing the friendship.

When confronted by his wife, he answered with several lies that were verified as untrue by the text messages. He has continued to lie and change the details of the stories to benefit himself. The wife feels she can no longer trust him and is crushed by these emotional relationships outside of their marriage. She feels the marriage commitment to “forsake all others” has been broken. He said he never had feelings for these women but she has seen from the messages that he was the pursuer and that he was instigating and pursuing the connection with these other women. In the past he had claimed that these other women had pursued him, but from the recent evidence, it appears that this is not the case.

The wife is not opposed to him having mutual female friends. However, considering the inappropriate nature of the initial conversation, felt that continuing this connection would be traveling the same path, especially since the conversation was not platonic but flirtatious. He also admitted at one point that he realized it was heading in the same direction as the previous problem with the ex girlfriend, but had still continued it when the girl from Texas contacted him. So, though he was convicted he was doing the same thing, he continued anyway.

What should the wife do?