I cheated!

It took me a lot of courage to write this piece. While there is absolutely no justifications for the things I did, but before you judge me. Please read ..

I cheated on my husband.

I am married to my husband for 7.5 years, dated for 6.

Fast forward to now, I caught my husband chatting up woman on dating apps and soliciting on the xxxxxboy forum 2 years ago. He denied he cheated , close case. Whether he cheated physically , emotionally or not I honestly don’t know.. However, my trust for him is broken.

Late last year, I felt myself attracted to my younger and married colleague. I also felt that he was attracted to me. We worked on a couple of events together & we started texting each other. One fine day, he prepositioned me and I succumbed to the request. Cut the story short, we hooked up shortly. We took a break in between & because the physical attraction is too hard to resist. I am clearly not in the right state of mind to think and my marriage at this point is too vulnerable to withstand such temptations.

When my affair in the office took a break. I was absolutely broken, I even begged him to take me back. Instead of working on the issues at home. I was so lonely and I long for someone to love and hold me again. I realised how easy it is to cheat. So I joined a dating app looking for affair partners. While the men wanted sex & I wanted company. I don’t mind sleeping with a random stranger just to have someone hold me and make love to me. Since then, I have cheated with 4 different men.

I started acting out and fell into depression after the events. I began seeing a shrink and started taking anti-depressants. But these are just temporary relieve. Moreover, I was diagnosed with depression yet the people closest to me have no clue that I am in so much pain every day. A part of me just wants someone to understand me and standby me. Another part of me is too afraid to reach out for help due to my condition. The depression was so bad I started self-harming … I finally, took the courage to consult a psychiatrist. It affected me badly, my work and personal life was affected. I can’t concentrate at work and neglected my kids. It’s convenient to push everything to my condition , but I was really using it as a convenient excuse to justify my actions.

The big reveal came yesterday. I recently changed the password on my phone and refused to give my husband the access. Yes, I have some secrets on my phone, sexts and other stuff. He took and phone while I was asleep and hacked into my phone. There were 2 texts , one from the colleague I hooked up with in the office and another one from the guy online. One insinuate we had sex and the other one was sext. I know I should have deleted any trace of the affair, but I didn’t He read all the texts and searched my bag and found the condom I kept in my bag. I have no explanation for the condom . He said he was confused and refused to listen to my lies and anymore and I am a mom of 2 kids and I should know what I was doing. It was obvious I was having affairs.

Seriously, there was no explanations for the things I did. I cheated. For years , the thoughts of him cheating has been on my mind constantly. I told myself to let it go as long as I stayed faithful, the marriage would work. It never did. Things slowly got worst, we were never communicating. Cold wars were frequent and last year he threatened to divorce. The husband said I was a very selfish and bad mom. I got to admit , I never played my role as a wife & mother well. I am looking for the things lacking in my marriage in the affairs. I always felt alone in my marriage. I am not allowed to go out with friends or have friends come over. He last time I went out / asked a friend over, he threw a fit and didn’t speak to me for weeks. I don’t know why I tolerated his verbal abuse and controlling ways for years. We never had a proper communication once in this married. It feels like a paper married, held on because of the kids and financial situation. Deep down, I know I am just a very simple person, wanting someone to love and hold me. He has been pushing me aside for years, and on my part I didn’t persist to hold on to the marriage. In fact, both of us has gave up on this marriage a long time again. This marriage , was once my everything. And now, it’s nothing.

It has accumulated in me for so long, I’ve slowly become numb and depressed. Sometimes, I wish he would cheat … to ease my guilt.

Since things has turned so ugly, is divorce the only way out?